but i'll be close behind.

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.




It's 3 AM.
I hate how the time of my posts on blogger are always incorrect xD

But anyway,
I have a lot to say.

I don't know why.
I don't know why I cried last night.
We went laser tagging, and by the second game, I felt really lonely and lost and empty. Tiff said, "My mind is awake but my body isn't," and I told her I was the opposite. Which I was. I wasn't physically tired or un-hyper at all, my mind was just worn out. And I kept contemplating on if I should just sit in the corner of the laser tagging area, secluded, so I could just relax and be alone. I didn't do this though, for some reason. I think I was afraid that if someone found me, they'd be like, wtf?
So I was trying to chill out, I kept having some weird thoughts though. Like I planned on just leaving the place completely, and they'd wonder where I went but not be able to find me xD
The whole time I just felt like crying, but there really isn't any particular reason.
I forced myself to hold it back.
I was pretty good...
And then Tom asked if I was okay, and I just cracked.
And him and Vincent were looking at me, and Tiff came over and hugged me and I wanted just so much for my surroundings to just vanish. Poof.
And I'd be solitary.
And I'd be okay.

But no. And I told them to stop it, and just walked outside.
Then I went to the other side of the stairs, where a passer-by asked me if I was okay, which was very considerate of him. It made me feel a lot better, it made me smile.

Does it make any sense that a stranger asking how I feel would make me happier than my friends doing the same thing?

...I guess this is because I care too much of what my friends think, that I hate to let them see me cry. I'm so afraid they think I'm just trying to cause a scene, attract attention.
But I'm really not, because like I said, I felt like crying the whole time, but didn't until then. I couldn't help it. I stated in my last post, I always worry people don't believe me.
For example, once I was crying, and someone asked, "Why are you crying? What's wrong?" and Tyler said, "I bet it's just for attention." She laughed, and I think she was kidding, but still...
And on the bus back from Pentagon City, I cried, but not for the reason everyone thought.
And in art I cried once, and Reggie thought it was for some mistake I made on my artwork, but it wasn't just that.
When people don't know the whole story, they assume it's just for one small thing that's recently happened. I don't want them to think I cry for such stupid reasons. It's usually so much bigger.
But then again, I am a fucking crybaby. I cry all the time, and I have no self-control, and everything seems to make it worse, and gah.

...
Back to the point! I over heard Tiff and Vincent tell Tom that he should never ask me if I'm okay. That makes me happy because they would know that only because they read my blog. :D

I cool down, come back, and everything's pretty normal. Yay.

What bothered me though is that some of them started treating me nicer. I don't want your sympathy. David was all, "I got your facebook thing" and the next game, they were all telling me what to do and kept saying like, "Good job" and whatever.

Makes me feel so useless and pathetic. -_-


Other things;
I'm frustrated that I don't have a private blog.
But I think that's what I have Calvin for.
I can tell him things I would never tell anyone else.
It's also what my journal's for, but I so so so rarely use it..
I'm frustrated with this because there ARE a couple things I don't want certain people to see.
:\

Oh well.

Let's just say, I'm tired of compliments, I'm tired of finding out people like me, I'm tired of getting checked out or hit on, I'm tired of having to hear what I don't want to hear.
I don't like this. It sounds so arrogant, so self-centered, but I don't want it anymore.
Sometimes I think that I'd like to just be unattractive or have a bad enough personality or lack of skill, just enough that only one person was meant for me, and loved me, forever and ever, and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone else's....bothersome comments or actions.

Did that make any sense? xD

AND I'M STILL TIRED OF THEM.
I don't even know why!
I shouldn't be!
Not anymore..

Lastly, have you ever been in the situation where you know something that someone else doesn't, and you hear them complain or watch their confusion about the subject, and you just want to let them know, but you can't due to either promises or fear that it could hurt them?
I'm sure you have.
& this is where I am.


Oh, and look at what I made!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldZsIY6vyzE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BcHyE3-S1U
I'm so proud of myself ^^
I love them.
I love my friends.
I love my life.

...most of the time.


Hey Samantha.
Did you know the first time I met you I thought you were pretty?
Yeah.
Honestly.
:)
I just never tell people so if I think they're pretty.
I think I too rarely compliment people. It's quite mean, really.
I don't think anyone will understand why I included this though, haha.




Calvin Lin Trend: When I feel lonely or tired, I always just want someone's shoulder to lean on, rest my head against. And this is when I wish most that I had that someone.