cheer up & dry your damp eyes.

And tell me when it rains,
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you,
And shoot it through your veins.
`Cause your heart has a lack of color.




I worry a lot about the future.

I feel like I'll get nowhere, because I have so little drive to do anything. It's all last minute and rushed and I don't study and I barely try. I don't get very good grades, and my extra curricular activities are minimum, and I'm so lazy.
And I have too many options. What will I do?
If I want to go into fashion design, I'm thinking Parson's School of Design in New York City, because my mom went there, and I dream of living in NYC in my little loft with one random indoor brick wall with my roommates Liz and/or Calvin. xD
If I want to become a writer, I'd need to major in literature. Any regular campus would seem okay for this, as long as it's not a community college, I refuse to attend a community college. UVA? GMU? I doubt I'd be able to get into these though. I'd be either a screenwriter [because random movie scenes pop into my head all the time], or a poet, because this is the only kind of writing that doesn't require creativity, since I don't have any. Or I think I'd also like to write a memoir one day. Maybe I don't need to major in literature to compile a poetry book or an autobiography, though.
If I really want to pursue that crazy fantasy [which would probably never happen] of opening up my own bakery, I'd probably have to find a good culinary arts school. I haven't put much though into that, though I know it'd probably make me happiest. I love to create and give.
And all these interests, all these possibilities, they have no link. I have no way to attend one school and get a degree in all three. If I choose one, I'll have no fallback, in case I failed. Maybe I'd be forced to go back to school for a different degree. And the last thing I want is to be in college and older than the other students in my classes. -_-
I don't want anything easy either. I'm not going to be another worker in a cubicle that will be forgotten completely in years for now. To be forgotten is worse than death, I think I've already stated that I believe in that strongly. I'm not going to be the stay-at-home wife who watches the kids, cleans the house and cooks dinner while my husbands off at work. I'm not going to be just anyone. But avoiding this mediocrity, this average lifestyle and occupation is harder than I'll expect. Fashion is such a competitive business, there's already so many people out there, I'd have to be really good. Opening up a bakery would be hard too, I'd have to find a lot to buy or rent out, have to find people who'd like to work for me, have to invent my own recipes. Writing would be easiest for me, I think.
I don't know what I want. I know that I want to go to college though, just the process of growing up seems like such a hassle.
I think I just realized something.
As a kid, you're carefree, but never free.
Carefree as in, no worries about school and work and relationships and the world and all those matters. But you're stuck with rules and laws and parents and the inabilities younger people must endure. You can't leave. You can't do anything you want.
And once you grow up, you're free, but never carefree.
Because by the time you're out of the house, over 16, so you can drive, over 18, so you can vote, over 21, so you can live on your own. And all the other privileges that come with age. But suddenly the opportunities close up on you, because life gets in the way. All the trouble that didn't matter as a child suddenly catches up.
Isn't that terrible?

Yay for mini epiphanies.
I had one the other day, in photography.
A few days earlier, I'd got stolen from me $60 worth of photo paper [which I am now saving up my OWN money to buy a new batch of, because I'm too afraid to tell my mom I'd lost it], and wasn't able to get any good shots that day. It was pissing me off like crazy, because I was wasting paper and time and effort.
In fact, I wasn't going to say so, but I sat in the corner of the dark room and cried, where no one could see me, since, well, it was so dark. xD Stress was just closing in on me, and I can't handle stress well at all, so I cracked.
And suddenly, during the next class, I borrowed someone else's paper, and got four great shots in a row. I was outside, walking around alone, since I was about the only person left who hadn't gotten four good shots, when suddenly it came to me.
I was so content now, in such a good mood from finally succeeding.
Though you probably already realized this, I noticed just then. The thought never occured to me until just then.
Everyone has there good days and bad days. And life is about making it through the bad days, and living for the good ones.
This fact is particularly important to me, because, as I already told you, I take stress very badly. The bad days I have are very apparent, and I start acting rude and bitchy very easily, I start tearing up very easily. Small things will always get me more upset than they should. And now that I knew this, I knew that what I have to work on is taking these types of things better, controlling my temper and mood.

Okay, I think I've ranted enough. But on a last note, my mom and I have been arguing so much lately. About stupid things too, like not letting her take pictures of me or my brother eating all my pocky. xD
But as a result, she's trying to make me stay home all the time. I'm only allowed out once next weekend, and none the one afterwards, according to her. Who knows why.
Whatever, though.
I can't wait until I'm out of this house. I'm sure everyone feels that way though. Or has, at one point.



Calvin Lin Trend: I feel like I've never been in a real AND happy boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The only two real ones I've been in, the guy was always fucking miserable. -_-