sick of being told to wait my turn.

I don't want to waste my time,
become another casualty of society.
I'll never fall in line,
become another victim of your conformity.



I was pondering on whether or not to blog.
So, I'm only doing this because Calvin said it'd make him feel better!
Poor Calvin :(
You know, today after he left to go to band I felt very lonely and lost ;_;
How egg. xD

...I might have just realized something.
and if it's true, it makes me sad.
and mad.
at them.
and well really, since it's pretty easy for me
to ignore my problems
and hide them away,
like I've always done,
I've been trying to ignore this one.
And it makes me feel rather bland.
And distant. Literally, in both mind and body.

Because recently, I get this certain kind of feeling a lot-
where all my senses vanish except for eyesight, and all the colors bleed together into a rainbow blur and I can't feel or think or smell or hear anything for a while...and it's as if I'm not even human, as if I'm being brainwashed, or sleeping and having an abnormally vague dream...and then I snap out of this odd trance, which can last for even like, an hour, and then suddenly I find I can't recall a thing that's happened within the span of it. It's like sleeping, when you forget you're there, like you don't even exist, and time just disappears.

Speaking of ignoring my problems.
This always brings me back to 8th grade, when I kept everything in.
My mom's telling me to sleep so I'll go over that another day.


Lately I feel that
I'm always worrying;
worrying no one wants to listen
worrying no one cares,
worrying no one believes the things I say,
worrying no one realizes the things I do,
worrying no one sees what I see,
and worrying I just can't show them what i see.

I also feel that
I'm tired of being lost within everything else
getting caught up in a river
of all the things that
splash right through me.
I'm tired of forgetting who I am
when I'm around anyone but myself,
because I do this so much.
I lose everything that is in my being.

I want to be real. I want to feel real.
My life is fucking fiction,
in my eyes.


Why do I exist when I'm going nowhere?
Why do things happen if they only proceed to get worse?
Why do we live in a race that's goal is to reach the finish line, if the finish line means death?
What's the point of all this living that goes on, if it can even be called that?
I wish I could know what the purpose of all this is.

Then again,
I wish a lot of things.



Calvin Lin Trend: Before I became vegetarian, I was known by my family and friends to love meat. They didn't believe I could turn over so quickly. I loved meat more than any other food group. I was eating prime rib in second grade.
And now I think, what the fuck?