rant.

I SHOULD DO MY HOMEWORKKKKKKKk
nah.

I'm all
topsy turvy
lately
everything is so
contradictory.

I feel like
making a list
of all my pet peeves
and all the things i love.
i will.
one day.
or try.

So, Saturday was homecoming night for some people, but for me and my friends, it was a night-out for dinner at Wildfire, at Tysons 2 :)
& it was amazingly fun, and I think we plan to do it again. There were tons of jokes going around and plenty of laughter and absolutely delicious food and a sweet bathroom? xD
& i kept thinking, God, i love my friends.
Because i do.
Sometimes.
It was really fun
up to this point
when on the way back to Tysons 1, my feet had blisters from my shoes, so I took them off and walked all the way back barefoot [crossing the street, in the wet grass, on the sidewalk, even in the mall itself], and then suddenly I felt really
worn out.
I had five energy mints [and it takes about four to get Tyler jumping about, whereas I can eat like 10 and be my normal self.], but they didn't help much
because i felt out of body and mind;
kind of
drifting away.

But they kept taking my shoes
and hiding them around the food court.
So I walk around the half wall to the nearest gap where I can walk out of [I'm sorry I suck at explaining this], to look for them, but I couldn't find them,
& they kept saying things like "Can you seriously not find them? It's so easy! Blah blah blah" and laughing and such that makes me feel like a fucking idiot.
So I just gave up and went all the way back around to sit down again, and once I did, they just threw my other shoe over the wall, and I don't know who it was, but I think someone said something like "God, you guys are so mean." or "God, you guys are such dicks."
& once again, I walked around to the other side of the wall that separates the tables and booths from the restaurants [I'm assuming you guys know what the Tysons food court looks like], but this time, after I pick up the shoe, I just leaned against the wall and dropped down to the floor and sat there for like a minute or two, but I don't think they noticed this [good, I needed some peace and quiet]
and when I was ready to return to my seat, and go around the wall and back, they say "you're still looking for your shoe?!", I think because they thought that's what i was doing the whole time I was just resting.
When people say things like that, I feel like such an idiot.
But maybe that's because I am.
I really am.
& then they decided that they were getting bored since I'd never fourn my other shoe, and they re-hid it.
So I went all the way around the wall again, then I found one shoe, and once I made my way back, Tyler asked if she could hide it again, and I just stared at her [I don't think anyone realized how tired I was at the time] until she said please, and i was like, fine, and gave her the shoe.
& she hides it, and I look for it, and once again, they're all "God Vy-Anh, this is taking you forever" and I'm just like ughhhhh.
But then all of a sudden things change, and Tyler starts saying, "You look really tired.." and I guess the rest of them notice and Melissa is saying "No, come back" and they're all "It's okay, sit down Vy-Anh, Vy-Anhhhh"
and I guess it's out of care, but then I just started tearing up, because they acknowledged this. Fortunately, I was facing the other way, so I could do some heavy breathing and fast walking to control my eyes watering until I reached my seat again where I just sat down and dug my head into my crossed arms, and no one noticed, I don't think.
Because really, it's when people bring up the fact that I'm discontent that I become the most discontent. It just makes me feel worse.
I mean, if they had noticed me crying, and started gathering and hugging and asking questions like people always do when you cry, my head might have just [felt like it] exploded.
So I just wanted to let you guys know that next time I look tired or sad or anything like that, as soon as you realize it, don't say so.
Just please leave me alone, really. I'm not just saying this for attention or anything and I hope no one assumes that, I just don't want to cry more than I already do, so I ask if you could just give me that.
What DOES make me feel better though, is if you act like nothing's wrong and go along normally. Perhaps making jokes or laughing.
For example, in 8th grade, I cried a lot during school, and everyone who gathered and hugged and asked questions [which like I said, though not directly, I hate] just pissed me off, whereas Erin once just looked at me and said "Tom Felton!" with that :D kind of face, and I just felt so much better.

I guess I was kind of tired and frustrated with this.
But later, at Sam's, Tiff kept telling me "Aww, you're so worn out, honey", "We're gonna lose Vy-Anh once we get home" "Aww, you're so tired.." and such.
And I don't know, this secretly made me angry. I don't like people to say out loud when they think I look depressed or tired. Fuck yes, I was tired. Fuck yes, I'm depressed a lot. And I really have no idea why, but if you say so, I could just punch you in the face [in my mind], but I remained very mellow and calm and pacifist, so don't worry. xD
Like Franscisco always says I look depressed, and Jason and Vincent and Tom always say I look really tired, and this just makes me mad.
So don't say that anymore either.
Like I said- no, I don't know why this upsets me.

Lately I feel very pushed around.
Because I baked Tiffany a cheesecake, which ingredients cost me about $10 and a ride to Wal-mart from my mother.

FUCK. I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO BUY PHOTO PAPER. This is the third day I haven't had it. I even wrote myself TWO to-do lists...why can't I fucking remember things? Why am I so unorganized.
Sorry, random note.

Anyway, baking a cheesecake, my mom was angry about spending money and time and gas and such. And then Sam and Liz came over and I ended up asking my mom to give them a ride home, and then she got really angry because they were the ones who showed up at my house, and didn't even help me bake [which I said they were going to...they sort of did? Liz smashed Nilla Wafers and Sam helped me look for things and sifted...but mostly I guess they just ate food from my pantry] and then she had to take the time to get my brother and take them home at 10 pm on a Sunday night, and she doesn't really like doing those sorts of things for me, so I rarely ask them of her.
And I offered to make Sam a halloween costume, and when I told my mother this, she's all,
"Why do you have to make things for them? Bake things, sew them costumes, drive them home, do this, do that. Can't they do these things for themselves? Why do they have to ask us?"
"Can't I do something nice for my friends?"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm the one who makes the money in this house, and it's MY money that goes towards all the food you make for your friends but never for your family."
"Then I can get a job!"
"I can't believe you could be so STUPID. That's the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard. I'm going to find you a job just so you can give all the money you make away to other people?! I didn't raise my daughter to be so dumb."
And that's just a brief summary, because the conversation was much longer but that's all I remembered, but I counted, and she called me stupid 12 times and dumb 3 times.

And she's right though.
It's not my money.
And you guys, it DOES cost a lot of money...but I can't make any money, so I'm not going to bake for a while, if ever again, because really, I'm worried lately. I don't think I'm very good at baking, and I'm sure people only say so because they can't hurt my feelings. I don't want to put my effort into things that aren't appreciated. Because I overheard Tom today, saying "Well, Vy-Anh's coffee cake was pretty bad.."
So I'm tired of this.
I was in a pretty bad mood today during lunch, if you didn't notice. Tiff did, but I think that's it. She asked me if I was okay, and I just nodded.
I want to be nice.
I love being nice...
So I think I will still try to do so, but in a different way. If I can just teach myself to avoid doing or saying mean things [which I would THINK I do the minimum amount of anyway, or I at least hope so...maybe not ;_;]. I must reduce any cruel actions I commit to zero. In fact, my New Year's resolution is going to be to go completely vegetarian, instead of pescetarian. Fish deserve their lives just as much as any other creature.

And she's right that I give my friends more than I give my family.
It's so wrong.
I'm so terrible.
-___-

I feel very pushed around lately. I know I'm complaining..but I just wanted to let that out.
I want to have control over my own life while still working towards the good of others. I've been taken advantage of since the day I was born, and now I suddenly feel lost and confused, realizing I don't think I want to let that happen anymore.

I also need to stop spacing out every few minutes. I do this more than anything. I often end up singing without my own knowledge of doing so, apparently.



Calvin Lin Trend: As long as I can remember, I've never said "no" to a favour asked of me.