drop a heart, break a name.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear,
Cause that's just who I am this week.




My mother and I were talking about dreams in the car.
She told me how she had a dream that our house was standing on four posts, upon a island of sand, when suddenly two posts of opposite corners break apart and our hourse begins to wobble. She went to a dream evaluator, and he told him that it meant our family's economy was to fall, but once it landed on the sand, it would be sturdy. My mom is very superstituous, so this is why lately she's been cutting me short on money.
I told her that my dreams were close to impossible to analyze, and she said that it was probably possible.

So for the heck of needing to blog, and possibly if Tiff wants to help me figure it out? Here's a brief summary of the dream I had last night, which I've already told Samantha.

Do any of you remember Jessica Smith? She was this blonde girl who went to Luther Jackson and now goes to Oakton? She was obsessed with like unidragons or something? xD
Well, for some reason, I end up staying at her house for the weekend, and apparently everyone in her family except her is British? And she lost a lot of weight.
I'm sitting on the couch with the father of the family, and suddenly the evil dude from Anastasia, what's his name, Ratsputin? He comes in and decides he's gonna take over the world, and then the British family decides they'll join in on his plan and now they're all evil, and I don't know what to do.

As a result of this, I make some spaghetti and some ravioli, both of which contain some poisonous mushrooms. The father offers Ratsputin something to eat, and I makes me choose which one he should have. I choose the ravioli because I made it second, and 2 is closer to 3, which is my favorite number. [This is how I often choose things, based on the number 3]

He eats it, dies, but then somehow revives?

Then the dream skips to a party [or at least, that's all I remember], where I serve the spaghetti in a large dish with all the caterer's food. The guests begin to take bowls of spaghetti, and so does Ratsputin, and he dies a final time once he eats it. The downside to this was that all of the other people died too, one of which was Samantha.

Samantha revives as well, and one day she comes back with me to the house of the English people [who are no longer evil], and while I'm in the bathroom, she tries a bit of my ravioli, and dies again.

Somehow, she revives a second time, and we go to the mall. All of the mall's walls are white, with incredibly realistic, detailed, shaded drawings of buildings and fish and other random objects. One of the sections is empty, and here I decide to draw a large house with a dock leading out the ocean. Samantha tells me I drew it too lightly, but I disagree. Later, I look at it from afar and realize that she was right, and I can barely see it.

We have a car? And Jared takes it and somehow makes it have hydraulics, and he's bouncing across the parking lot. It's late at night and it's empty, so he starts speeding, at like a hundred miles per hour, so fast that as we're in the car, we're pushed all the way back to the trunk when the car begins to move (Newton's law? Anything in motion will stay in motion and anything still will stay still?) and when the car stops, we slide all the way back up to the front.

Random tidbit right there, but then we're back in the mall, and Sam, Earvin, Liz and I decide to go out for lunch at a seafood restaurant, and we order our drinks, and after we order our food, before it comes to the table, we NOW decide to look for money in our bags and pockets, but have only change. We attempt putting our change together, but find we can't even afford one meal. I don't understand this part, but Sam somehow folds the coins over in her hands a couple of times and this results in a hundred dollar bill. In reluctancy to break it, we dip anyway.

Then I'm alone, and I go to one of those stores that are like a Claire's? Or Libby Lu or whatever? And I'm sitting down when Bano comes out of nowhere, and gives me one of those tacky country door hangings made of wood. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like one of these. But instead, there are two of the wooden plates, connected by that straw rope-like stuff you see it hangin from in that picture. The bottom block says "Erin" and the top is drawn on with inside jokes such as numbers and random phrases that make no sense to me. Bano says, "An early birthday present!" and walks away. I think to myself that my birthday has already passed, until I realize that it's a gift for Erin, whose birthday is December 5th. Why Bano gave it to me, I have no idea. What revelance this has to anything, I don't know either.

I leave the store and find Sam again, and we go to the Apple Store, where this guy who was in the Haunted House, Eric Holl works. After I see him, I wake up.

It was just SO random. What the hell?

Jessica Smith? Jared Smith? Bano Irfan? Eric Holl? SOO RANDOM.

My dreams aren't possible to decode, in my opinion. I've had dreams in which...

-I'm trapped in Pho 50, on a snowy day in July, and Daniel tries to escape, and therefore killed. Mr. Mbatchou happens to be there too, and is threatened to be turned into a punching bag, so he makes two clones of himself, one of which sacrifices their lives for his sake, and the other stuffs the original Mbatchou into his back pocket.

-Vincent is having sex with some blonde girl in Samantha's bathroom, and then Amy comes in and starts throwing peaches and apples at him.

-I'm staying at a hotel where there is a murdered old lady on the floor of my suite, and Alex Harper is the main chef. Alex and I make out? And then I go to school, where Sam and Tyler run out of the gym locker room naked and to the mall, putting on clothes on the way. I go back to the hotel, where Alex is all, "Sorry, but I'm going out with Amber [who is his sister?!]", but he has his arm around a large man, while they're sitting on a cart which is part of an indoor roller coaster of the hotel.

-Samantha's dad owns a department store, like Sam's or Costco or BJ's? And there he sells cereal that is flavored like Cobalt 5 gum. You know, peppermint? Peppermint flavored cereal. And I'm trying to sleep on Sam's couch, when her and Kevin come in from each side, singing "If You Want to Sing Out" by Cat Stevens. I buy some cereal, and then I'm trying to turn on the light, to find a bowl and milk. I find that one of the light switches turns on a light bulb which is held by a hand potruding out a hole in the wall, and Sam says, "Oh, that's just Betty."

-Ian and Kesiree or making out in the basement of Luther Jackson, rolling around on the ground knocking over empty cereal boxes which Ian had previously set up in a spiral formation. And then I change in front of my math teacher [who is an old woman, wtf?]

I've told you many times that I'm tired of these dreams.

What does it mean if Sam dies three times? It scares me to know.

On the other hand, I finally learned how to play thirteen from Tom, Vincent and Sam. ICY! [which stands for "insert calvin yay", and most of you have probably heard calvin exclaim, "yay" in that low voice of his while clapping? haha.]

And my throat hurts a lot from the haunted house, plus other things :(

Calvin Lin Trend: I never unzip my pants when I take them off or put them on, with an exception of like two. Most of mine are too big for me xD

cheer up & dry your damp eyes.

And tell me when it rains,
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you,
And shoot it through your veins.
`Cause your heart has a lack of color.




I worry a lot about the future.

I feel like I'll get nowhere, because I have so little drive to do anything. It's all last minute and rushed and I don't study and I barely try. I don't get very good grades, and my extra curricular activities are minimum, and I'm so lazy.
And I have too many options. What will I do?
If I want to go into fashion design, I'm thinking Parson's School of Design in New York City, because my mom went there, and I dream of living in NYC in my little loft with one random indoor brick wall with my roommates Liz and/or Calvin. xD
If I want to become a writer, I'd need to major in literature. Any regular campus would seem okay for this, as long as it's not a community college, I refuse to attend a community college. UVA? GMU? I doubt I'd be able to get into these though. I'd be either a screenwriter [because random movie scenes pop into my head all the time], or a poet, because this is the only kind of writing that doesn't require creativity, since I don't have any. Or I think I'd also like to write a memoir one day. Maybe I don't need to major in literature to compile a poetry book or an autobiography, though.
If I really want to pursue that crazy fantasy [which would probably never happen] of opening up my own bakery, I'd probably have to find a good culinary arts school. I haven't put much though into that, though I know it'd probably make me happiest. I love to create and give.
And all these interests, all these possibilities, they have no link. I have no way to attend one school and get a degree in all three. If I choose one, I'll have no fallback, in case I failed. Maybe I'd be forced to go back to school for a different degree. And the last thing I want is to be in college and older than the other students in my classes. -_-
I don't want anything easy either. I'm not going to be another worker in a cubicle that will be forgotten completely in years for now. To be forgotten is worse than death, I think I've already stated that I believe in that strongly. I'm not going to be the stay-at-home wife who watches the kids, cleans the house and cooks dinner while my husbands off at work. I'm not going to be just anyone. But avoiding this mediocrity, this average lifestyle and occupation is harder than I'll expect. Fashion is such a competitive business, there's already so many people out there, I'd have to be really good. Opening up a bakery would be hard too, I'd have to find a lot to buy or rent out, have to find people who'd like to work for me, have to invent my own recipes. Writing would be easiest for me, I think.
I don't know what I want. I know that I want to go to college though, just the process of growing up seems like such a hassle.
I think I just realized something.
As a kid, you're carefree, but never free.
Carefree as in, no worries about school and work and relationships and the world and all those matters. But you're stuck with rules and laws and parents and the inabilities younger people must endure. You can't leave. You can't do anything you want.
And once you grow up, you're free, but never carefree.
Because by the time you're out of the house, over 16, so you can drive, over 18, so you can vote, over 21, so you can live on your own. And all the other privileges that come with age. But suddenly the opportunities close up on you, because life gets in the way. All the trouble that didn't matter as a child suddenly catches up.
Isn't that terrible?

Yay for mini epiphanies.
I had one the other day, in photography.
A few days earlier, I'd got stolen from me $60 worth of photo paper [which I am now saving up my OWN money to buy a new batch of, because I'm too afraid to tell my mom I'd lost it], and wasn't able to get any good shots that day. It was pissing me off like crazy, because I was wasting paper and time and effort.
In fact, I wasn't going to say so, but I sat in the corner of the dark room and cried, where no one could see me, since, well, it was so dark. xD Stress was just closing in on me, and I can't handle stress well at all, so I cracked.
And suddenly, during the next class, I borrowed someone else's paper, and got four great shots in a row. I was outside, walking around alone, since I was about the only person left who hadn't gotten four good shots, when suddenly it came to me.
I was so content now, in such a good mood from finally succeeding.
Though you probably already realized this, I noticed just then. The thought never occured to me until just then.
Everyone has there good days and bad days. And life is about making it through the bad days, and living for the good ones.
This fact is particularly important to me, because, as I already told you, I take stress very badly. The bad days I have are very apparent, and I start acting rude and bitchy very easily, I start tearing up very easily. Small things will always get me more upset than they should. And now that I knew this, I knew that what I have to work on is taking these types of things better, controlling my temper and mood.

Okay, I think I've ranted enough. But on a last note, my mom and I have been arguing so much lately. About stupid things too, like not letting her take pictures of me or my brother eating all my pocky. xD
But as a result, she's trying to make me stay home all the time. I'm only allowed out once next weekend, and none the one afterwards, according to her. Who knows why.
Whatever, though.
I can't wait until I'm out of this house. I'm sure everyone feels that way though. Or has, at one point.



Calvin Lin Trend: I feel like I've never been in a real AND happy boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The only two real ones I've been in, the guy was always fucking miserable. -_-

like the days of summer.

And you don't know how hard I've tried
To convince to myself that I can easily forget.
But you left this feeling here inside me,
One that never fails to find me.

I won't lie,
I still can't say that I admit we went too far.
And you won't see me change my mind,
But I really wish that I could forget the way you are.
But you left this feeling here inside me,
The battle in my mind still fights me.

^Rainy Monday - Shiny Toy Guns (on repeat for today)





I need to do my homework!
Why do I do this?!

But suddenly, I find I really miss the old days.

Kesiree's facebook status as "misses the luther days", and I can honestly say I don't miss Luther Jackson at all, I hated that school.
But those days...
I guess mostly, I just wanted to state how much I miss Kesiree. The band people were telling me about how they saw her at the Oakton Classic, and Calvin was like "Kes gives the best hugs!" and I remembered her hugs.
And I remember zS and HEY HELLO ELLO and walzing on soup and violent printers and broken stereotypers.
I remember Nancy Drew and late nights at Oakton, rolling down hills and earth earth and Nottoway park and our skateboards and sitboarding, Mrs. Jimison and the days spent at her restaurant...the smell of her restaurant. The smell of her house.
Rituals with Calvin and Chau, on her deck; candles and green tea and The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
Our pyromaniac phase; the spinning wheel of fire (merry-go-round) and the discovery of how flammable rubber cement was, putting it on fire hydrants, burning pine cones and pine needles.
I remember the time I built and painted an ocelot for her. When we went to an Oakton football game and everyone complimented our boards. When we stayed out til 2 AM in the middle of the road singing "Untitled" by Simple Plan. I was with her when Steve Irwin died. She was with me when I broke my collar bone. The nights we organized for watching the Redskins game or the High School Musical 2 premiere or Kid's Choice Awards or just any movie we'd rent from blockbuster. Like, American Haunting?
Milkis and that other Asian drink I liked...and Joint Juice? xD
I remember staying out with her in the cold, when I wouldn't be able to handle it and she'd be just fine. I don't know how she put up with me.
Or when we'd pretend to be "drug dealing", when we were really only passing smarties back and forth.
All the considerate things she did for me.
All the times we had together.
Maybe it's creepy that I feel this way, but I'm tired of caring.
We never really were the type of best friends other kids were, taking millions of photos and hugging constantly and telling each other we loved each other, barely acknowledging the fact that we WERE best friends. I regret this now, because she needed to know how much I loved her.
How much I miss her now :\

I think everyone deserves to know how much I love them!
I don't let this out enough.
I don't let people know how much I care sometimes.
I'm bad with that.

I feel I'm not considerate enough.
So selfish.
I don't realize the things I could do, when they're constantly right in front of me.


I'm sorry.
I love you guys ;___;




This is a short post, so I'll be coming back to add more later.


-edit-

Lately I find many of my friends read my blog, compliment my blog, or mention my blog in some way. Like Vincent and Melissa told me that they feel like writing a blog themselves when they read mine. Some say it makes them think. Tiff said my views of the world are amazing, or something? Calvin said he tried to see the world from my point of view, or something? And when I told Sam that I get sad whenever I get near the end of a post because I don't want it to be over, she said she felt that same way when she reads mine, and Calvin agreed and says my posts ought to be longer. Kevin said he feels he knows more about me from my blog than from our relationship in real life.
But as I'm sure I've stated many times, I'm afraid I'll bore you if I continuously write blogs nearly everyday and they're all very long.
Hearing/reading these things makes me happy.
Thank you :]

I've also realized that when I'm not feeling too great, it's not art or writing (like everyone would expect) that makes me feel the best, it's singing or baking (which you might expect anyway).


Calvin Lin Trend: I've never been the first to tell someone else that I like them. And I don't tell people who I like if I don't suspect the person I like likes me back. It embarrasses me, for some reason? xD

but i'll be close behind.

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.




It's 3 AM.
I hate how the time of my posts on blogger are always incorrect xD

But anyway,
I have a lot to say.

I don't know why.
I don't know why I cried last night.
We went laser tagging, and by the second game, I felt really lonely and lost and empty. Tiff said, "My mind is awake but my body isn't," and I told her I was the opposite. Which I was. I wasn't physically tired or un-hyper at all, my mind was just worn out. And I kept contemplating on if I should just sit in the corner of the laser tagging area, secluded, so I could just relax and be alone. I didn't do this though, for some reason. I think I was afraid that if someone found me, they'd be like, wtf?
So I was trying to chill out, I kept having some weird thoughts though. Like I planned on just leaving the place completely, and they'd wonder where I went but not be able to find me xD
The whole time I just felt like crying, but there really isn't any particular reason.
I forced myself to hold it back.
I was pretty good...
And then Tom asked if I was okay, and I just cracked.
And him and Vincent were looking at me, and Tiff came over and hugged me and I wanted just so much for my surroundings to just vanish. Poof.
And I'd be solitary.
And I'd be okay.

But no. And I told them to stop it, and just walked outside.
Then I went to the other side of the stairs, where a passer-by asked me if I was okay, which was very considerate of him. It made me feel a lot better, it made me smile.

Does it make any sense that a stranger asking how I feel would make me happier than my friends doing the same thing?

...I guess this is because I care too much of what my friends think, that I hate to let them see me cry. I'm so afraid they think I'm just trying to cause a scene, attract attention.
But I'm really not, because like I said, I felt like crying the whole time, but didn't until then. I couldn't help it. I stated in my last post, I always worry people don't believe me.
For example, once I was crying, and someone asked, "Why are you crying? What's wrong?" and Tyler said, "I bet it's just for attention." She laughed, and I think she was kidding, but still...
And on the bus back from Pentagon City, I cried, but not for the reason everyone thought.
And in art I cried once, and Reggie thought it was for some mistake I made on my artwork, but it wasn't just that.
When people don't know the whole story, they assume it's just for one small thing that's recently happened. I don't want them to think I cry for such stupid reasons. It's usually so much bigger.
But then again, I am a fucking crybaby. I cry all the time, and I have no self-control, and everything seems to make it worse, and gah.

...
Back to the point! I over heard Tiff and Vincent tell Tom that he should never ask me if I'm okay. That makes me happy because they would know that only because they read my blog. :D

I cool down, come back, and everything's pretty normal. Yay.

What bothered me though is that some of them started treating me nicer. I don't want your sympathy. David was all, "I got your facebook thing" and the next game, they were all telling me what to do and kept saying like, "Good job" and whatever.

Makes me feel so useless and pathetic. -_-


Other things;
I'm frustrated that I don't have a private blog.
But I think that's what I have Calvin for.
I can tell him things I would never tell anyone else.
It's also what my journal's for, but I so so so rarely use it..
I'm frustrated with this because there ARE a couple things I don't want certain people to see.
:\

Oh well.

Let's just say, I'm tired of compliments, I'm tired of finding out people like me, I'm tired of getting checked out or hit on, I'm tired of having to hear what I don't want to hear.
I don't like this. It sounds so arrogant, so self-centered, but I don't want it anymore.
Sometimes I think that I'd like to just be unattractive or have a bad enough personality or lack of skill, just enough that only one person was meant for me, and loved me, forever and ever, and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone else's....bothersome comments or actions.

Did that make any sense? xD

AND I'M STILL TIRED OF THEM.
I don't even know why!
I shouldn't be!
Not anymore..

Lastly, have you ever been in the situation where you know something that someone else doesn't, and you hear them complain or watch their confusion about the subject, and you just want to let them know, but you can't due to either promises or fear that it could hurt them?
I'm sure you have.
& this is where I am.


Oh, and look at what I made!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldZsIY6vyzE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BcHyE3-S1U
I'm so proud of myself ^^
I love them.
I love my friends.
I love my life.

...most of the time.


Hey Samantha.
Did you know the first time I met you I thought you were pretty?
Yeah.
Honestly.
:)
I just never tell people so if I think they're pretty.
I think I too rarely compliment people. It's quite mean, really.
I don't think anyone will understand why I included this though, haha.




Calvin Lin Trend: When I feel lonely or tired, I always just want someone's shoulder to lean on, rest my head against. And this is when I wish most that I had that someone.

sick of being told to wait my turn.

I don't want to waste my time,
become another casualty of society.
I'll never fall in line,
become another victim of your conformity.



I was pondering on whether or not to blog.
So, I'm only doing this because Calvin said it'd make him feel better!
Poor Calvin :(
You know, today after he left to go to band I felt very lonely and lost ;_;
How egg. xD

...I might have just realized something.
and if it's true, it makes me sad.
and mad.
at them.
and well really, since it's pretty easy for me
to ignore my problems
and hide them away,
like I've always done,
I've been trying to ignore this one.
And it makes me feel rather bland.
And distant. Literally, in both mind and body.

Because recently, I get this certain kind of feeling a lot-
where all my senses vanish except for eyesight, and all the colors bleed together into a rainbow blur and I can't feel or think or smell or hear anything for a while...and it's as if I'm not even human, as if I'm being brainwashed, or sleeping and having an abnormally vague dream...and then I snap out of this odd trance, which can last for even like, an hour, and then suddenly I find I can't recall a thing that's happened within the span of it. It's like sleeping, when you forget you're there, like you don't even exist, and time just disappears.

Speaking of ignoring my problems.
This always brings me back to 8th grade, when I kept everything in.
My mom's telling me to sleep so I'll go over that another day.


Lately I feel that
I'm always worrying;
worrying no one wants to listen
worrying no one cares,
worrying no one believes the things I say,
worrying no one realizes the things I do,
worrying no one sees what I see,
and worrying I just can't show them what i see.

I also feel that
I'm tired of being lost within everything else
getting caught up in a river
of all the things that
splash right through me.
I'm tired of forgetting who I am
when I'm around anyone but myself,
because I do this so much.
I lose everything that is in my being.

I want to be real. I want to feel real.
My life is fucking fiction,
in my eyes.


Why do I exist when I'm going nowhere?
Why do things happen if they only proceed to get worse?
Why do we live in a race that's goal is to reach the finish line, if the finish line means death?
What's the point of all this living that goes on, if it can even be called that?
I wish I could know what the purpose of all this is.

Then again,
I wish a lot of things.



Calvin Lin Trend: Before I became vegetarian, I was known by my family and friends to love meat. They didn't believe I could turn over so quickly. I loved meat more than any other food group. I was eating prime rib in second grade.
And now I think, what the fuck?

rant.

I SHOULD DO MY HOMEWORKKKKKKKk
nah.

I'm all
topsy turvy
lately
everything is so
contradictory.

I feel like
making a list
of all my pet peeves
and all the things i love.
i will.
one day.
or try.

So, Saturday was homecoming night for some people, but for me and my friends, it was a night-out for dinner at Wildfire, at Tysons 2 :)
& it was amazingly fun, and I think we plan to do it again. There were tons of jokes going around and plenty of laughter and absolutely delicious food and a sweet bathroom? xD
& i kept thinking, God, i love my friends.
Because i do.
Sometimes.
It was really fun
up to this point
when on the way back to Tysons 1, my feet had blisters from my shoes, so I took them off and walked all the way back barefoot [crossing the street, in the wet grass, on the sidewalk, even in the mall itself], and then suddenly I felt really
worn out.
I had five energy mints [and it takes about four to get Tyler jumping about, whereas I can eat like 10 and be my normal self.], but they didn't help much
because i felt out of body and mind;
kind of
drifting away.

But they kept taking my shoes
and hiding them around the food court.
So I walk around the half wall to the nearest gap where I can walk out of [I'm sorry I suck at explaining this], to look for them, but I couldn't find them,
& they kept saying things like "Can you seriously not find them? It's so easy! Blah blah blah" and laughing and such that makes me feel like a fucking idiot.
So I just gave up and went all the way back around to sit down again, and once I did, they just threw my other shoe over the wall, and I don't know who it was, but I think someone said something like "God, you guys are so mean." or "God, you guys are such dicks."
& once again, I walked around to the other side of the wall that separates the tables and booths from the restaurants [I'm assuming you guys know what the Tysons food court looks like], but this time, after I pick up the shoe, I just leaned against the wall and dropped down to the floor and sat there for like a minute or two, but I don't think they noticed this [good, I needed some peace and quiet]
and when I was ready to return to my seat, and go around the wall and back, they say "you're still looking for your shoe?!", I think because they thought that's what i was doing the whole time I was just resting.
When people say things like that, I feel like such an idiot.
But maybe that's because I am.
I really am.
& then they decided that they were getting bored since I'd never fourn my other shoe, and they re-hid it.
So I went all the way around the wall again, then I found one shoe, and once I made my way back, Tyler asked if she could hide it again, and I just stared at her [I don't think anyone realized how tired I was at the time] until she said please, and i was like, fine, and gave her the shoe.
& she hides it, and I look for it, and once again, they're all "God Vy-Anh, this is taking you forever" and I'm just like ughhhhh.
But then all of a sudden things change, and Tyler starts saying, "You look really tired.." and I guess the rest of them notice and Melissa is saying "No, come back" and they're all "It's okay, sit down Vy-Anh, Vy-Anhhhh"
and I guess it's out of care, but then I just started tearing up, because they acknowledged this. Fortunately, I was facing the other way, so I could do some heavy breathing and fast walking to control my eyes watering until I reached my seat again where I just sat down and dug my head into my crossed arms, and no one noticed, I don't think.
Because really, it's when people bring up the fact that I'm discontent that I become the most discontent. It just makes me feel worse.
I mean, if they had noticed me crying, and started gathering and hugging and asking questions like people always do when you cry, my head might have just [felt like it] exploded.
So I just wanted to let you guys know that next time I look tired or sad or anything like that, as soon as you realize it, don't say so.
Just please leave me alone, really. I'm not just saying this for attention or anything and I hope no one assumes that, I just don't want to cry more than I already do, so I ask if you could just give me that.
What DOES make me feel better though, is if you act like nothing's wrong and go along normally. Perhaps making jokes or laughing.
For example, in 8th grade, I cried a lot during school, and everyone who gathered and hugged and asked questions [which like I said, though not directly, I hate] just pissed me off, whereas Erin once just looked at me and said "Tom Felton!" with that :D kind of face, and I just felt so much better.

I guess I was kind of tired and frustrated with this.
But later, at Sam's, Tiff kept telling me "Aww, you're so worn out, honey", "We're gonna lose Vy-Anh once we get home" "Aww, you're so tired.." and such.
And I don't know, this secretly made me angry. I don't like people to say out loud when they think I look depressed or tired. Fuck yes, I was tired. Fuck yes, I'm depressed a lot. And I really have no idea why, but if you say so, I could just punch you in the face [in my mind], but I remained very mellow and calm and pacifist, so don't worry. xD
Like Franscisco always says I look depressed, and Jason and Vincent and Tom always say I look really tired, and this just makes me mad.
So don't say that anymore either.
Like I said- no, I don't know why this upsets me.

Lately I feel very pushed around.
Because I baked Tiffany a cheesecake, which ingredients cost me about $10 and a ride to Wal-mart from my mother.

FUCK. I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO BUY PHOTO PAPER. This is the third day I haven't had it. I even wrote myself TWO to-do lists...why can't I fucking remember things? Why am I so unorganized.
Sorry, random note.

Anyway, baking a cheesecake, my mom was angry about spending money and time and gas and such. And then Sam and Liz came over and I ended up asking my mom to give them a ride home, and then she got really angry because they were the ones who showed up at my house, and didn't even help me bake [which I said they were going to...they sort of did? Liz smashed Nilla Wafers and Sam helped me look for things and sifted...but mostly I guess they just ate food from my pantry] and then she had to take the time to get my brother and take them home at 10 pm on a Sunday night, and she doesn't really like doing those sorts of things for me, so I rarely ask them of her.
And I offered to make Sam a halloween costume, and when I told my mother this, she's all,
"Why do you have to make things for them? Bake things, sew them costumes, drive them home, do this, do that. Can't they do these things for themselves? Why do they have to ask us?"
"Can't I do something nice for my friends?"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm the one who makes the money in this house, and it's MY money that goes towards all the food you make for your friends but never for your family."
"Then I can get a job!"
"I can't believe you could be so STUPID. That's the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard. I'm going to find you a job just so you can give all the money you make away to other people?! I didn't raise my daughter to be so dumb."
And that's just a brief summary, because the conversation was much longer but that's all I remembered, but I counted, and she called me stupid 12 times and dumb 3 times.

And she's right though.
It's not my money.
And you guys, it DOES cost a lot of money...but I can't make any money, so I'm not going to bake for a while, if ever again, because really, I'm worried lately. I don't think I'm very good at baking, and I'm sure people only say so because they can't hurt my feelings. I don't want to put my effort into things that aren't appreciated. Because I overheard Tom today, saying "Well, Vy-Anh's coffee cake was pretty bad.."
So I'm tired of this.
I was in a pretty bad mood today during lunch, if you didn't notice. Tiff did, but I think that's it. She asked me if I was okay, and I just nodded.
I want to be nice.
I love being nice...
So I think I will still try to do so, but in a different way. If I can just teach myself to avoid doing or saying mean things [which I would THINK I do the minimum amount of anyway, or I at least hope so...maybe not ;_;]. I must reduce any cruel actions I commit to zero. In fact, my New Year's resolution is going to be to go completely vegetarian, instead of pescetarian. Fish deserve their lives just as much as any other creature.

And she's right that I give my friends more than I give my family.
It's so wrong.
I'm so terrible.
-___-

I feel very pushed around lately. I know I'm complaining..but I just wanted to let that out.
I want to have control over my own life while still working towards the good of others. I've been taken advantage of since the day I was born, and now I suddenly feel lost and confused, realizing I don't think I want to let that happen anymore.

I also need to stop spacing out every few minutes. I do this more than anything. I often end up singing without my own knowledge of doing so, apparently.



Calvin Lin Trend: As long as I can remember, I've never said "no" to a favour asked of me.

is this the end or just the start of-

Something really, really beautiful
Wrapped up and disguised
As something really, really ugly?
Won't you come by and see me?
I'm a love letter away.



not a good poem [because I just made the best of what words I could find in the newpaper], but I like the look of it. [i did a lot of editing with contrast and exposure, so no, it doesn't look this nice in real life xD]

Calvin Lin Trend: I always, ALWAYS start up little chapters of pieces of writing, ideas of books I could possibly work on, but then I abandon it after a few pages and never come back. I have a few of these small introductory excerpts saved on my computer, which I'm so worried I'll never use.


Perfect Situation - Weezer
^best song by weezer, ever. imo. :D

about a love that didn't last.

And if we were really meant to be,
then we'd justify destiny.
No, we didn't die,
We just never had a chance to grow..



...this is a pretty long post xD

I probably should begin on my English homework. Which is to write a poem on "Who I Am" using cut-out words from a newspaper. So I went back and looked at the poetry about "Where I'm From", rather than "Who I Am", for some inspiration. It was something I wrote in 8th grade, our whole class did, for a project. We were supposed to base our poems on this.
And I kind of like mine :D


I am from the Big Apple;
From Broadway to the Albany suburbs.
I am from the blooming gardens of Spring
(Tiger lilies and pansies,
And Japanese maple trees).
I am from the painted hand-made tree house;
Piles of litter from the birthday food fight
In which resided the endless spiraling slide.
Up we’d slither, slipping, slowed by perspiration.

I'm from karaoke and pool tables,
From burning wasabi mistaken for ice cream.
I'm from the games of hide-and-go-seek,
And the beer disguised as ginger-ale,
From motor mouth and butter fingers;
I'm from spending buckets on your children;
Spoiled brats with brand-name clothing,
Parties with over three-hundred guests.

I'm from Brainstorm and Etec,
Crispy egg rolls and steaming dumplings;
From the fortune my grandmother lost
To Atlantic City’s slots,
The photographs hidden, to deny the truth.

There does exist wasted pages;
Attempts of recording the past,
Streaming memories I forgot,
Beaming blasts of my childhood.
I am from those moments—
Home videos and photographs--
Lies that broke branches of my family tree.


Perhaps an explanation would be nice? [in case you don't know me very well] I lived in New York for exactly eleven years of my life [exactly eleven, because I moved on my birthday]. My mom had the most beautiful garden anyone had ever seen for miles, which she tended until it was nearly of fame [or, at least to the neighbors xD].
My dad built me a tree house with his own hands. It was yellow, because yellow used to be my favorite color. I had my [I think] 8th birthday party in my backyard, It was Halloween themed, so my mom made a graveyard cake and bat-decorated cupcakes and bought "bug juice" [aka, fruit punch]. We all decided to throw our food everywhere, so many people went home with icing in their hair and juice spilled down their shirts. My back yard was flooded with litter for years, since we were always too lazy to clean up. My tree house also had a yellow spiraling slide, which we'd always attempt to climb up, rather than slide down [definitely much more fun].
When I was little, I used to always get up on tables and dance and sing for everyone.
I bet you can't imagine that, huh?
And I used to be pretty beast at pool at a young age [not anymore, though]. Maybe this is because I was playing with other little kids? xD
Once when I was very young, maybe like 5 or 6, I saw a scoop of wasabi and thought it was green tea ice cream [I've always loved green tea ice cream], so I ate a whole spoonful [we were at a really fancy sushi restaurant with like 20 of my parents' friends], and about choked to death because none of the adults paid any notice to me and I didn't have a drink.
My mom and dad used to through extremely extravagant parties, because I used to live in quite a large house. In fact, I think I have a picture..

there. Anyway, and when we weren't throwing our own parties, other people were throwing parties we went to, until like 3 AM. And once I saw a soda can, and I thought it was ginger-ale [for some reason...], but then it turned out to be like, vodka and it burned my throat, since I took a large gulp, and I was still quite small xD
My parents always used to call me motor-mouth and butter-fingers when I was younger, because I talked non-stop, and I still love talking, but not as much, or at least, not in public...I do at home, though. And butter fingers because as you probably know, I'm about the clumsiest person I know, and very, very, INCREDIBLY unsuave. ...and well, if you didn't know that, you really don't know me at all O_O
So yeah, my family also used to be really rich and spend a ton of money on useless items, including parties filled with hundreds of people and such I explained in the poem..
Our money came from two companies my father owned, called Brainstorm and Etec, they were computer repair and manufacturing companies, I THINK. But now he's just a computer professor.
And then I mention the egg rolls and dumplings because my mom is seriously the best cook. The best cook I know, at least. I was always blessed with amazing food. She was known for her cooking, and is probably the reason I'm good at baking! Ahh, orgasmic >:D
And then my grandmother lost thousands to her gambling addiction..because she was where a majority of our cash came from too, she's owned two successful restaurants and three nail salons...but then she gambled away all her money, and all the money borrowed from her children too...which is why I'm now living in a small town house in the small town of Fairfax attending the small school of Falls Church. xD
Hidden photographs are the ones that my mom and dad have never had, there's only photos of me. Not even many of my brother or anyone else in my family. But basically four or five thick photo albums dedicated entirely to me. Just endless photos of me. -_-
Lastly, "lies that broke branches of my family tree" refers to the fact that my dad cheated on my mom for four years, and then left us. This is another reason why we don't have as much money now. He's still pretty rich. I mean, he paid $140 per person for the four of us [him, his girlfriend, me, my brother] to see the Beatles Cirque Du Soleil Show in Las Vegas. xD This is HIS house, in Texas:

Yay for big houses. :P
So yeah. That was a brief explanation of my life in New York, I suppose~
WANNA SEE PICTURES?!
I like showing people pictures of little me xD
My mom liked the short hair [I didn't]...-_-

That's my dad, in the second photo.

Anyway!
Calvin Lin Trend: I got my four front teeth pulled out when I was two, because my mom fed me too much sugary foods which caused major cavities. So I was without them for years. -_- [I don't know if anyone already knew that, but if you did, I'm sure I mentioned SOMETHING earlier that you didn't.]



Light and Day - The Polyphonic Spree
^this song was in Scrubs, and in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind [which I have to rewatch, because I didn't understand it the first time- I was young.] The band's pretty interesting :]