the fire in your heart is out.

& all the roads we have to walk are winding;
& all the lights that lead the way are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
but I don't know how.



My mother's on the phone with her boyfriend so I must make a quick entry before she returns and makes me get off the computer~
You see, she caught me drinking and my laptop and phone are now confiscated.
Therefore [if you're reading this], that means no more late night phone calls, Calvin and Earvin. And I'm grounded, so I can't go to Florida anymore, Anna.
How stupid of me -_-
Just wanted to let you guys know that until school begins, I'll be pretty much non-existent.
Fortunately, that's only about two weeks.
But I still need to start that summer homework! D:

Dane Cook!
^As you can tell, I usually post a song that's been stuck in my head or I've been listening to a lot lately. But today, he's what I've been listening to. xD

ah...farewell for now, life.

but i seem to be struck by you.

I want to make you move,
because you're standing still.
If your body matches
what your eyes can do,
you'll probably move right through
me on my way to you.



Calvin says I should update my blog.
SO.
I got back from Atlantic City today!
...or since it's 1:29 AM, technically- yesterday.
It was really fun :]
And we saw the aluminum show, which was amazing! To be so innovative and inspired by something so simple and mechanic as metal..and to make it come to life, to make it of interest to an entire audience..the dancing and music was all great..wow. :D
...makes me want to visit Israel x]
And I am on the phone with Calvin...
and I have nothing to say.
He just told me to make a post xD
So yeah, still haven't started on that summer homework..D:
Hm.

Here In Your Arms - Hellogoodbye
^what a catchy song! it was randomly stuck in my head.


I should wait for something interesting when I blog~

ramalamadingdong.

You're cool,
& I hardly wanna say "not,"
because I'm so bored
that I'll be entertained even by a stupid, fucking linoleum floor.
Your lyrics are dumb like a linoleum floor.
I'll walk on it;
I'll walk all over you.



OH MY GOD.

-I hate men, some days. -_- So I'm walking my dog around 10-11 PM, and I decided the weather was nice, not too hot, not too cold, kind of damp and crisp, you know? And when it's nice out, I take longer walks..and I'm at an intersection and Chase stops to sniff a pole, and a car passes by, and some dude [who was Spanish] makes a kissing noise at me. *smoooooch*
"Hey baby!" and I turn away.
"What's up? Can I help you walk your dog?" I run my hands through my hair.
"You are so fucking fine." What the fuck? That's the first time I've heard that one.
"Oh my God, you look so good."
Ugh...and after he left I was cursing out loud for a while..xD
Why?

-My mom's boyfriend fixed my internet! GO HIM. :D

-My mom bought me green tea ice cream! GO HER. :D

-I'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow, & I'm bringing Sam, Anna & Tiff :] What fun! Excitement! I should start packing..

Dear You (Far Away) - Zebrahead
^Calvin recommended this one, and when I first listened to it, I couldn't stand it, but after a while, I realized it's a REALLY good song. In our opinion, of course.


Well, I just needed to let that out. Haha, I guess the next time you'll be hearing from me would be in quite a few days...so, TTFN!
<3>

cries with her lonely heart.

Thinking,
if there's nothing missing in my life,
then why do these tears come at night?
Lost in an image,
in a dream,
But there's no one there to wake her up.



Random fact for you folk: I hate puns with a passion. :]

You know how I said my internet was working? Well it is on my mother's laptop, but not on mine. -_-
My mother has her new "boyfriend" over, and they're watching Spiderman 3, and the house is filled with akwardness.
Well Tiffany, if I'm going to believe you like me, then you have to believe I like you too, because it's very true that I do. (:
And thank you for those comments on the bakery! My friends get free goodies >:D Haha, and I also was thinking I'd sell PB & banana sandwiches! YAY.
Have you ever tried a peanut butter and banana sandwich?
I've been asking literally everyone that lately. THEY ARE SO BEAST. Jesse and I started eating them from watching Face on Nick Jr. ! WOOHOO. :D
I'm in a good mood right now, because I'm thinking about how Reggie wrote his "Renaissance Man" poem about me, because he said it was so easy. That was very nice of him, even if he didn't realize it. Boost on my self-esteem; go him<3
Hm...not really much to say, besides the fact that my internet's disconnected and therefore, I might not be blogging for a while?
...Or maybe not, since I can use my mother's computer [which I have been.].

Oh and just to let you know, my poetry is now posted on my DA:
http://sadxaffairs.deviantart.com
WHICH I CAN'T REMEMBER THE USERNAME/PASSWORD TO, DAMNIT. -_- Stupid short-term memory..
Fucking mosquitoes! I have so many bitessss, maybe like over 20 or 30, no joke ):
O_O there's like a weird scratch on my hand that my dog gave me..he was trying to hump me again -_-


Baby, It's Fact - Hellogoodbye
^what a cheerful, uplifting song <3

Now, I am off to make myself a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice. :]

the oppurtunity's on.

If you want to sing out, sing out,
and if you want to be free, be free.
`Cause there's a million things to be;
you know that there are.




woohoo, my internet returns~!
It was down for two days, for reasons I'm not sure of. But today it suddenly got back up again. :)

As a response to one of Tiff's blogs, haha:
-In my opinion, talking about someone else in your blog doesn't make you close. :P Though I'm not saying we're not, I'd love to be "close", whatever that's defined as..
-I never said I didn't like you!..though, yes, I was afraid of you. I thought you said you heard stuff about me and were confused? -_- You were always giving me dirty looks and never talked to me though our friends were each other's friends~
Hm, now that I think about it, maybe it's not you that came across as intimidating, but me that is easily intimidated. Oh well, doesn't matter now, hm?
And you think it seems I don't like you?! D:
I'm almost positive that you don't like me! :P

Anyway, BAKING.
I LOVE BAKING.
sdlhgklasdhglsddshalkhlg
seriously though, I've been making treats & delicacies almost every day lately~
From brownies to cheesecake to lemon bars :D
& my next project is to make a key lime pie!
I attempted some cookies yesterday, but they were fail. ):
BUT THERE'S NO STOPPING THE BAKING MADNESSSSSSSSSSSS~
:D
:DDD
I want to open a bakery when I grow up now. No kidding, cause I'm very serious and ambitious about this. I will own my own bakery [which I'm not sure of the title yet] and I will write books of stories and poetry and sell them, along with freshly squeezed orange juice & lemonade. And anything else I can concoct >:]
And I will live across the street from this bakery in my sweet little loft with my roommate, Calvin. ^^
Maybe.

Last night, I felt very upset for no reason. I was sort of talking to myself;
"I hate myself", "Why am I here?", "No drive, no motivation, no reason.."
-_-
But I feel okay right now..bipolarity? Wasn't I just ecstatic the other day?
...

You know, I love those VH1 series; I Love Toys, I Love the 80s, 100 Greatest...etc.
Right now, I'm watching I Love the New Millenium: 2006. :]

That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
^Everything about this song's great, from the beat, to her voice and the way she uses it & says "riot", the background male vocals, and the soft singing at the end..and I love it when she says "ame, ame, ame."


"I would rather jump into a river of boiling snot than wear Crocs. They're fucked up, and I beg the people of America to stop wearing them."

shadow overhead.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real,
or if anybody feels the way I feel.
I need inspiration,
not just another negotiation.




My dog, he smells like popcorn. xD

I sincerely apologize for posting so many blogs so close together. I just can't stop thinking. I have too much to say.
I just hope I'm not boring you. D: Then again, who said you had to read? ^^

So, I just read Tiff's latest blog, about change!
And God, is she right! Change has been amazing. :)
Looking back on my life before, everything seems so small and pathetic in comparison with my recent experiences. It's like, What was I thinking back then?!

I'm listening to this playlist I made, of my favorite songs. I love it, because whatever comes on is always the perfect song, because I love them all so intensely.
You're probably thinking, Well, duh. Wouldn't that be the purpose of "favorites"? xD

I guess, in a way. I only have a blog for Calvin. I would still rather write in my journal, but I don't see him enough for him to read that, so I have to stick with this.

Something I must let out: I miss someone a lot less than I expected I would, if I do at all. Not sure whether that's good or bad, happy or sad.
An update on my life: If you read my blog, you're probably close enough to me to know I've drank and smoked. And in case you didn't know that, yeah, there you go :)
Fact to share with you: ALL WE CAN DO IS KEEP BREATHING.



Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg

you have always been my inspiration.

Hold your head up, you silly girl.
Look what you've done...
When you find yourself in the thick of it,
help yourself to a bit of what is all around you.




So, I look at Tiffany's blog, and I am inspired. I think to myself:
How amazing it is of her to be so open, to allow everyone to read what she has to say, to know about the things which occur in her life. How brave. How great, not to care what people will think, not to worry or shut others out.
To keep everything in suddenly seems like the worst thing you could do.
Then, I look at Anna's blog, and I think:
Maybe it's terrible of me to put so much of my emotion into my blog. Maybe, it's bad to bring these things up. Maybe it's better to be secretive, and not let the world in. Maybe, trusting too many people is a mistake on my part.
Or at least, so far, it has proved to be so.

What to do? This is always a problem with me..telling others things such as feelings and particular events makes me feel like an attention whore. Who says they want to know? But when I keep everything in, I wonder if it's better to let everything out. To not give a shit of what people will say. What will run through their minds, or how they might see you differently.

Would you see me differently?

And how do you see me right now?





Australia - The Shins
^The lyrics to this song take a lot of thinking. Some still don't make sense to me.

That was another reason I deleted my blog last time;
Do I really want so many people to have access to this?

there's one thing - robert post

-_-
I haven't slept.
It's 7:18 AM and I got distracted around 3 or 4, drawing pictures...VERY DISTRACTED.
Somewhat almost in my artwork, as if nothing else existed around me..focused incredibly. Almost abnormally. And then when I finally force myself out of the paper and pencil...I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND THE SUN'S UP?!
& I'm like, what the fuckkkk.
Because once the morning breaks, I can't fall asleep anymore. Damnit. So I've been up all night/morning doing the following:
-drawing [since I have no imagination, I drew my dreams]
-watching videos [I never watch videos?!?!]
-reading random people's blogs [I mean VERY VERY random people....you'd probably think I'm a stalker :D]
-reading my old poems
While going over my old poetry, I feel very sad knowing that I can never write when I'm happy. Seriously, when I'm in a good mood, I suck majorly at writing. I FAIIIIIIIL. I think today I'm going to be very out of it and possibly crashing..D:
Anyway! As I was saying, SOME OF MY WRITING WAS SO GOOD.
But lately, if I try, it's so miserable and pathetic.
I love some of the phrases I wrote! Such as; "the mind's underground" and "watching everyone else's green grass grow"- I barely remember writing some of them! I could never have done that if I wasn't sad. And I told Earvin I wanted to write again, but he told me that'd be a bad sign, that it would mean I'm depressed.

I can't have both. I can't write and be happy. How sad. D:
I'm bored. Most people aren't up at 7:30 AM in the summer. So I feel very alone at the moment. It could be as if I was the only living being left on earth.

Hmmmmmm. Not much to say. Just needed to make a post because there's nothing better to do.
Let's give you an old poem I never posted on my old blog :D
I wrote it in English class one day when I noticed Sarita had placed "A Tale of Two Cities" face down, open, upon her desk and was leaning upon it, and I could see the spine was broken, and this made me angry and sad, because books don't deserve that. They deserved to be read and enjoyed and treasured. Especially if they're a classic [even though I hated this book]. I had also dropped my copy of the book on the road beside the sidewalk, into a wet pile of leaves in the after-rain of autumn. It got some dirt on it, and I felt very bad for that accident.

Destruction of Literature
As the book is opened
Equal pages to each side
Slapped down
So it may taste the filth of the earth’s surface
So it may feel the weight of its owner upon it
So it may smell the hatred seeping among society
So it may see the life of itself flash before it
So it may hear the last creaks of its fractured cover
Scathed, ripped, torn,
Scratched, folded, forgotten,
The owner presses harder down against its coat
Until wrinkled creases bloom down the spine
Bleeding white, losing hue;
It stays in my eyes.
But even in its state, its condition of terror-
Not yet does it give up on the reader,
The owner of its soul,
In determination to satisfy
At least one heart in its time-
However short that may be.
Not until the owner gives up
On the completion of reading,
And surrenders to the off-white pages;
Stained with despise, tainted with fingertips,
The discolored corners
Worn with time and the essence of misery.
Not until the owner screams at it in rage,
That she cannot any longer endure
Such useless adjectives.
That she doesn’t wish to ever
Lay her hands against its smoothness again.
Not until she returns it to its dusty shelf
Where it shall age,
Never to be read,
Broken-hearted,
And alone.

even that one! "creases bloom"?!?
I DO NOT HAVE THE CAPABILITY ANYMORE. This sucks. D:






....I hope that I will find bags among my eyes the next time I look in the mirror.

if you can hold on, hold on.

I wanna stand up,
I wanna let go;
You know, you know-
No, you don't, you don't.
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men,
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand.
Another head aches,
Another heart breaks;
I'm so much older than I can take.
& my affection; well it comes and goes.



I'M SO HAPPY. I'm not exactly sure why. It was all very sudden and random and for no reason whatsoever. But it's great. :] I feel like maybe I could never even consider commiting suicide ever again~
It's nice.
Death is one of the last things on my mind right now. :D
I LOVE LIFEEEEEEEEEE.
I was walking my dog at midnight and decided to sit down on the sidewalk. Then I just fell back and looked up at the light of a lamp post. And I closed my eyes and I just enjoyed everything...I took in everything that I've been missing out on. Why did I want so much to end my life before? Why didn't I realize all that I had to live for?

....Okay, this is a bit too overdramatic, no? I'm only 14, my life's barely begun -_-
This is what adolescence does to humans. They feel lost and broken and as if the world revolves around them and they make everything seem like a much bigger deal than anything could possibly be. "Teenagers scare the living shit out of me." =]

Haha, so anyway. PROJECT RUNWAY SEASON 5 AIRED TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
SO HAPPY. :DDDD
AND AUSTIN SCARLETT GUEST-STARRED! I LOVE HIM.
No joke, first episode I had ever seen of project runway ever, I was absolutely hypnotized.
He's so amazing! Favorite project runway designer everrr :]
I want to buy the first season on DVD just to watch him again! AND THEY ELIMINATED HIM FOR BEING TO "GLAMOROUS." How stupid of them >:|

Austin Scarletttttt<3


I was looking at: http://www.itwasmeteors.com/index.html
[Sam randomly found it while stumbling]
and it inspired me to begin drawing again~
When I realized.
There is so close to nothing in my mind...there's so little that I can ever come up with.
I'm so fucking uncreative, it drives me up the wallllllllll.
No imagination.
Not to sound conceited, but I'll admit I do have talent at both art and writing. But I have nothing in my head to work with. So empty.

Though I'm not returning to suicidal anytime soon, the other day I did feel this way:
[it's an excerpt from the book I'm reading; Slaughterhouse-Five; and I feel like it corresponds to exactly the way I felt.]
"Billy Pilgrim, was turning to steam painlessly. If everybody would leave him alone for just a little while, he thought, he wouldn't cause anybody any more trouble. He would turn to steam and float up among the treetops."
I couldn't explain it myself, but that's almost a perfect description.
Barely there.
Non-existent.
As if I could just evaporate...or melt away.

BUT I'M FEELING ECSTATIC NOW!
GO LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEE~


Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline
Hahahaha, I've been listening to a lot of her lately..late 50s/early 60s, I think? How odd of me...I used to listen and sing to her all the time when i was little ^^

hate is a strong word.

Thought that everything was perfect;
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it;
Now I think a little differently...



Music is basically one of the most important aspects of my life right now. I'm up to 1266 songs! :D
So today, I watched Sam get her haircut, and it turned out really nice. Therefore, I would like to get a haircut now, too. xD Haha, I can't stand life without change. A lot of people I know hate change, but I LOVE it. Can't live without it. I have to like redecorate my room once a year, and change up my style and hairdo like every few months, hah. I might go out of my mind if everything stayed so routine and constant..
I never feel like talking anymore..it's become quite odd. Sort of sad, really. Humans are growing to disgust me..

In a way, I guess you could say I'm just a bit tired of everything around me. My mom said she wants to move me to a new school, and I really wouldn't mind that. In fact, I'd probably love it as long as it wasn't Oakton, hah.

Mimi told me she always thought of me as "so innocent"...a lot of people have been saying things like that lately xD Like, they didn't expect anything out of me. The way no one expects that I love karaoke~
Guess that's what makes me "odd and unpredictable", as Tiff says >:]

Ugh. People always tell me that I shouldn't want to be old and enjoy my childhood while i can, and they're probably right. But how can I help but want to have more freedom? To want to be able to go wherever I want when I want? To leave this house when I need to? To escape from this cage? I'm sorry to say I'm tired of being young. -_-
Don't bother telling me otherwise, I've heard it all before :P


All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
^No joke, this is like my new favorite song. I listened to it on repeat throughout my entire sleep last night~
And it's the only song I've been playing for the past two days. xD
It's so BEEEEEEAST! <3333333

get me out of my mind.

I'm looking forward to the future,
but my eyesight is going bad.
And this crystal ball;
it's always cloudy except for
when you look into the past...



You.
You obviously can't keep a secret. What's the fucking point of going around telling random people about my business? Serious issues, man..
Couldn't you just let it be? You don't know me. You don't talk to me. You don't care about me. We're barely acquaintances, and all of a sudden you have the right to yell at me and tell me what i can and can't do? It's my life. Do you have the right to spread around all you know about me? No. What's your problem..-_-

Anyway, I've had a pretty interesting and life-changing summer. And I hope it gets even better C:

Ugh. Lately I haven't been very hungry at all. My metabolism must be slowing down..

I realized though I may not be completely free yet, I'm really close. I can practically feel everything falling into place. It's become almost palpable. I'm almost there...almost at the climax of my life...but still in the process, still in the rising action. Oh well, I should be practicing my patience anyway. ^^
I'm also almost done with something else; just on the verge of being over it. Over you.
Barely hanging on...


Oh, I forgot to put a song at the end of two posts ago xD
Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson
...that song gives me the chills. It's so insanely amazing. No exaggeration when I say it's very, very close to perfect.



So long & good night.

only you can stop this stuttering.

so kiss me again,
and ease my suffering.
I know it's so symbolic of everything;
everything that's wrong with me and you.
So, tell me what I'm supposed to do.




I think that a lot of people that don't realize how much I care about them, because I'm not good at expressing it. I don't usually give compliments or show appreciation in the way I should. So, just to let you know, I probably care more than it may seem. More than you may know. Really.

...There's so much I need to get off my chest.

Okay, first of all, I'm sorry.
That "sorry" doesn't apply to any one person in particular. More like a sorry for everyone I know. All of my friends and family. Yes, that means you as well. Just everyone. I've been being a bad person. A bad friend. And I'm sorry.
Don't tell me that there's nothing I should be sorry to you for, because trust me, I have my reasons. Many of them. Which maybe only I know. For each of you.

Also, I think I might be falling slowly back into depression. Like I said two posts ago, don't ask me why, because I don't know the answer. There's no real reason. I think most people would understand when I say that sometimes, when you just think about it enough, life starts to seemingly have no real point. It's true though. You begin to wonder why you exist, and lose sight of any reason to. When you spend more time feeling upset and sad than the rare moments of happiness, the good things in life begin to feel like they're not worth it. The good portion of life isn't large enough to make up for the pain that occurs so much more often.

I love being back home. I didn't realize how much I missed everything about it. My mom, my dog, my friends, going out, good food, familiarity, security...

I also didn't realize how much I miss certain friends. Like Kevin, who I saw today, and I haven't seen in like months. I used to consider him one of my best friends, but he goes to Oakton. We plan to hang out A LOT more. Hopefully, we do ^^
I miss Jonah too. We used to be so close...I wonder if he misses it too. I doubt it. Or at least not as much as I do.

Does anyone even read my blog anymore..? xDDD
Besides Calvin, of course. Haha.
One of the things I love most about Calvin is that I have this odd form of confidence with him. I don't feel like a waste of time and space with him. I feel comfortable. And I can act conceited, sometimes, because I'm so aware he cares. Like, I really know it for sure. With everyone else in the world, I can never feel that certain about their feelings toward me. I am always convincing myself that I'm such a burden; an annoyance. That no one wants to have anything to do with me. I hate to sound like a bitching attention whore, but it really is how I see myself. I hate asking favors and inviting myself places because of it. I feel as if everyone just takes pity on me. What's so special about me? But with Calvin, it's different. With him, I rarely think that way...it's the only reason I can be open with him, is because I don't feel like as much of a bother to him, particularly. That's the reason not many people know a lot about me, is because I worry too much that they don't want to know. You might think you know a lot, but you really could not possibly know even half the things Calvin does. xD
He says he holds the key to my survival.
Sometimes, I believe that has a chance at being true..

That's not even close to all the things I need to let out. Haha, but I'm tired.
Daylight Robbery - Imogen Heap
^creds to Tiff for recommending that song! :DD


Sincerely, me.

i've always been a dreamer,

I've had my head among the clouds;
But now that I am coming down,
Won't you be my solid ground?



...I don't know.
I feel I might go insane.
Going craaaaaazy.
Unfortunately, I can't state my thoughts at the moment,
only because I don't want a particular two people to know this.
Maybe you know who you are D:

My stomach hurts really badly right now...
I just had curry. xD
But I think this time, it's emotional pain which led to physical pain.
Ugh.
I don't know...

What a fucking dreamer.

kiss me & smile for me.

Tell me that you'll wait for me;
Hold me like you'll never let me go...


The sky was full of gloom today.
But it wasn't alone.
If I told you that I felt as if I was deteriorating, and that my heart's been aching on and off for quite a while now, you'd ask me why.
My apologies, but I wouldn't be able to answer your inquiries, for I myself am not sure as to the reason I've been feeling so down.

Well,
-Texas always brings me into a state of boredom.
-My dad doesn't come home until like 10 PM everyday, and I don't get to spend time with him, nonetheless even see him. Thus, there is no purpose to my being here~
-Lately, memories of the past considering my family have been playing more often.
Those could be factors of my sudden hurting.

So it goes like this; everything will be okay, just dandy.
And suddenly my chest pangs incredibly. Feels like my heart is swelling up. But these aren't physical pains, they're emotional...but I really have no idea where they're coming from. I'm happy.
Or, I thought so...

Also, last night I was awoken in mid-sleep by chest pain too, but those were physical. Hm, I'd like to say they felt like excessive paper cuts. But not small ones, more like giant slices of paper, like huge pieces of poster or card board chopping through my organs.
How pleasant.

I have a lot of these pains, and they really do worry me. I suppose I should see a doctor, but when I tell my mom about them, she say's it's nothing. She says I'll be fine. Maybe that's because I'm not that great at explaining how much it hurts. Sometimes I'm being stabbed several times in the brain. Others, fists will be clenching my intestines and tightening their grips until I can hardly take it. Or my lungs will cease to function and I'll lose the ability to breathe for a few seconds. Maybe I'm not healthy...I don't know =\
You'll probably take this like my mom, and not think it's anything serious.
& I guess you could say that I'm trying to convince myself so, too.
But I'm not okay.

Right now, I'm listening to this mix tape that Sam sent me a while ago:
http://mixtape.exopolis.com/
That's where I found Lottery Winners on Acid, haha.
And I like a few other ones...Right now, Sandwiches is playing, which I find terribly hilarious. But it's also pretty catchy, and I can never skip it :P
The girl, she's saying, "A long distance dedication from someone named 'me', to someone named 'you.'" hahaha, that's so gnarly. It'd be great to tell someone right now.

What else was I going to say...
Don't recall.
Do not compute.

Hm, all you need to know is- Don't worry about me.
People have been spending much too much time worrying about me, when I'm fine. Trust me, I have good judgement, whether you believe it or not! Even if my previous actions prove otherwise...I can take care of myself, really. And also, like I stated before, I've been happier than ever. Never better. Truthfully, just chill out. I'm not as stupid as you might think C:

I Melt With You - Modern English
With all regards,
Your "favorite Asian cowgirl", as Julian referred to me as the other day, hah.



-- I suddenly crave oatmeal.