kiss me & smile for me.

Tell me that you'll wait for me;
Hold me like you'll never let me go...


The sky was full of gloom today.
But it wasn't alone.
If I told you that I felt as if I was deteriorating, and that my heart's been aching on and off for quite a while now, you'd ask me why.
My apologies, but I wouldn't be able to answer your inquiries, for I myself am not sure as to the reason I've been feeling so down.

Well,
-Texas always brings me into a state of boredom.
-My dad doesn't come home until like 10 PM everyday, and I don't get to spend time with him, nonetheless even see him. Thus, there is no purpose to my being here~
-Lately, memories of the past considering my family have been playing more often.
Those could be factors of my sudden hurting.

So it goes like this; everything will be okay, just dandy.
And suddenly my chest pangs incredibly. Feels like my heart is swelling up. But these aren't physical pains, they're emotional...but I really have no idea where they're coming from. I'm happy.
Or, I thought so...

Also, last night I was awoken in mid-sleep by chest pain too, but those were physical. Hm, I'd like to say they felt like excessive paper cuts. But not small ones, more like giant slices of paper, like huge pieces of poster or card board chopping through my organs.
How pleasant.

I have a lot of these pains, and they really do worry me. I suppose I should see a doctor, but when I tell my mom about them, she say's it's nothing. She says I'll be fine. Maybe that's because I'm not that great at explaining how much it hurts. Sometimes I'm being stabbed several times in the brain. Others, fists will be clenching my intestines and tightening their grips until I can hardly take it. Or my lungs will cease to function and I'll lose the ability to breathe for a few seconds. Maybe I'm not healthy...I don't know =\
You'll probably take this like my mom, and not think it's anything serious.
& I guess you could say that I'm trying to convince myself so, too.
But I'm not okay.

Right now, I'm listening to this mix tape that Sam sent me a while ago:
http://mixtape.exopolis.com/
That's where I found Lottery Winners on Acid, haha.
And I like a few other ones...Right now, Sandwiches is playing, which I find terribly hilarious. But it's also pretty catchy, and I can never skip it :P
The girl, she's saying, "A long distance dedication from someone named 'me', to someone named 'you.'" hahaha, that's so gnarly. It'd be great to tell someone right now.

What else was I going to say...
Don't recall.
Do not compute.

Hm, all you need to know is- Don't worry about me.
People have been spending much too much time worrying about me, when I'm fine. Trust me, I have good judgement, whether you believe it or not! Even if my previous actions prove otherwise...I can take care of myself, really. And also, like I stated before, I've been happier than ever. Never better. Truthfully, just chill out. I'm not as stupid as you might think C:

I Melt With You - Modern English
With all regards,
Your "favorite Asian cowgirl", as Julian referred to me as the other day, hah.



-- I suddenly crave oatmeal.