Merrrrry Christmas :D

I love Christmas! The spirit, the music, the joyyy. <3
I just finished watching Elf, and it got me in an even more Christmas-y mood. I want to go caroling and watch movies and eat holiday foods, guys! We should do this tomorrow. I'll bring music and movies, mebbe? And I'm making that yule log cake once I finish this post~
Unfortunately, I didn't feel our Secret Santa was very Christmas-spirited though ): The food wasn't Christmas-y. There was no Christmas music. The only Christmas-like thing was the gift exchange, and Calvin says Christmas shouldn't be materialistic and all about the gifts. We played Rock Band most of the night xD
I re-read my Christmas post from last year, and decided I should make one every year! :D I listed what I recieved and what I gave, and most importantly, people's reactions to the gifts I gave them! I absolutely adore Christmas shopping, and even more so adore it when people love what I got them~ I believe I'm a fairly good gift-finder/chooser/giver. Tom asked me for advice when he didn't know what to buy for someone in his family and I helped and he said I was the perfect person to ask, hooray!

Gifts I have/will recieve [so far...I shall add on after Christmas is over]:
-Boots from my brother
-12.1 mp Sony Cyber-shot camera [blue!] from my mother
-HP Elitebook laptop from my father
-$50 from my uncle
-$50 from my grandmother
-$300 from my aunt & her boyfriend
-Cucumber Melon lotion & hand sanitizer from Tom
-Moonlight path body collection from Liz
-Original PostSecret book from Amy

^Post Secret book = one of my new favorite gifts. I now have three favorite gifts ever; the other two are the Hey Jude music box from Tiffany and the Glee poster from Sam. The Post Secret book is because I love it so much, the music box is because it's very sentimental and dear to me, and the Glee poster is because I feel like that is one of the most generous and sweetest things anyone's ever done for me...so selfless :)
And I'm frustrated about the excess of lotion xD Liz was my secret santa, btw. But I've decided to never ask for toiletries again ever in my life. I can buy my own toiletries. I should only ask for necessities and/or sentimental gifts. At least they got different scents? xD

Gifts I have/will give [once again, I will add on more later]:
-Swarovski white rocking flower crystal to Mother
-Swarovski red rocking flower crystal to Grandmother
-Some Atlantis Lego set to Brother
-Self-Crocheted scarf, 2 gb pink USB, hot chocolate, returned V for Vendetta & coupons [to paint his room, go with him to DC, cook him food & watch V for Vendetta with him, and have a heated discussion with him over hot chocolate] to Reggie
-An Awesome Book to Samantha
-Pocket Posh Crosswords to Tiffany
-Self-designed wallet to Tom
-Collected menus to Vincent
-Get High Now to Liz
-Notebook & bag-like thing to Evelina
-Three books to Amy
-Desk lamp to Patu
-Cupcake candle to Alina

Yes! :D
So regarding reactions, the best by far is Reggie's. I was his Secret Santa, which is why I gave him more than anyone else. And I put the most effort in his gift :D When it was my turn, I pulled out his gift and handed it to him, and he was like, "What?!" and I'm like, "I know, right?" And he looked in the bag and asked, "ALL of these are for me?" And then he went off into like, the corner of the room, sitting on Vince's piano chair in seclusion, and opened up his gift all alone. So after opening it, he comes back and hugs me, and he says "You did the one thing I thought would never happen to me" or something. And he doesn't speak for like, half an hour. And then he disappears from the room quite a while. And when he comes back, I ask him, "What's wrong? I don't like your reaction to my gift!" And he just says "No, I'm just speechless! AND I'M NEVER SPEECHLESS. You've defeated me, woman!" And he continues saying things like "This is so surreal" or "I'm baffled," "I'm so confused!" "It still hasn't sunk in..." Later, he was all, "We need to talk. One on one, face to face." Haha, and then he sent me a text saying that it was so surreal and he was hoping he could transpire it into a letter. And then another text saying that since my gift was so good, he would try to give me a gift that is better or at least on par. And then his AIM profile today was "Still speechless [thanks to someone *cough cough*]" or something like that, and then his away messages were "Making a gift" and "So confused I hate women" or something like that. HOW SILLY. I'm glad I made such a fascinating impact though :)
Samantha ran up to me and hugged me really hard...I think it was after she read her card. I think everyone enjoyed my cards quite a bit? Patu and Amy both told me "I like your card!" Because basically I listed people's best traits in each of their cards :D I wanted to make you all feel better about yourselves ^^ I think it's important to be happy with one's self. And everyone was looking through Sam's book. And Patu left me a Facebook comment saying she liked the lamp. And Amy began reading on of her books right there, and gave me a hug~
And then Tiffany was like, "I love you, Vy-Anh! I'm going to finish this whole book in like, a day!" And then she began doing it and almost finished a crossword in a few minutes xDD That smarty-pants, her~
And then Tom was like, "This is so cool! Time to throw out my old wallet!" And then everyone was looking through it and agreed on it's coolness. And they all found it hilarious that I drew a dick in it [as Calvin told me to] xD
And then Vincent was like, "I know what this is!" before he opened it. And then after, "Oh my god, there's so many!" and he gave me a hug. He said, "I can put them up on my wall now, because I have enough!" And Leo was like "Wow, this makes my gift look bad. I gave him the Outback Steakhouse menu" hahaha.
And then Liz was like "Yayyyy! Thank youuu I wanted this so much. I'm going to do every single thing in this book! " And then she tried out something right there with Leo :P
And then Alina was like, "I love you, Vy-Anh! This is so cuteee!"
But Evelina didn't have much of a reaction. Boo, she's the only one xD Then again, she was one of the people I had no idea what to get...so I just picked out something random D:
OTHERWISE. THERE WERE SOME GOOD REACTIONS. I love seeing people happy because of me. I even wrote down last night, when I got home, "Knowing you've made someone else happier is the best feeling in the world." Seeing and hearing all this just made me want to smile all night longgg. Though that would have been creepy. But I probably smiled too much anyway xD My favorite thing about Christmas is seeing that I made so many people smile in one dayyy. I love making people smile. I love smiles. I LOVE HAPPINESS.
HAPPINESS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL GIFT IN THE WORLDDDDD
Happy happy happy Vy-Anh~!

***edit***
Tiff - "I've finised 2 crosswords so far ;D"
Sam - "I love inspirational kiddie books. Thanks, Vy-Anh. :) <3"
Tom - "i really loved the wallet, it was so wonderful."
Reading all three of these things brought a smile to my face, once again <3

To save me from tears.

I keep my distance,
But you still catch my eye.
Tell me baby,
Do you recognize me?

Now I know
What a fool I've been;
But if you kissed me now,
I know you'd fool me again.



Last Christmas is absolutely my favorite Christmas song.
I'm sitting in the school library. I hate one of the ladies who works here. She always comes around and yells at me for eating food and using headphones and writing blogs >:| Even though I'm not supposed to, LOL. But none of the other three ladies who work here ever notice! -_- She's just too...what's the word that means you're too paranoid and check up on things more than you have to?
La da dum. I think I should try writing a blog everyday again. But that never seems to work out. xD We'll see how it goes this time. In fashion today, we were using tablets, and it was really nice because I love tablets, to the point where I hate mice, and would rather use a tablet pen anyday. So it was easier to maneuver :D
I'm taking some practice permit tests, because I know I'll fail a third time [and have to take drivers' ed all over again, ah!] if I don't study hard, for once xD Why do I suck at rules and regulations? I almost didn't pass Driver's Ed the first time...and I got a D on my final, lol. Failll- maybe I shouldn't drive. Maybe it's a sign that I'll be a miserable driver and kill us all O_O
Hmmmmmmmmm you know. There's this thing about the people here [at South Lakes]. I think they're kind of dumb :X Like reading their writing makes me criiiiiiinge. So bad D: And they make stupid jokes. That aren't funny. Like the other day, this girl at my table was like "You know how Taco Bell has those black tacos now? I didn't know black people had their own taco!" and the whole table cracked up in laughter. Except me. Because it wasn't funny. I don't even think it was racist. I just think it made no sense whatsoever xD
Bleh. I miss Falls Church more than I can explain in words ;_; Everytime I zone back into reality, I realize I'm in some strange new world where I feel like a freakin' foreigner. And I just want to go home. I feel lost and alone. And glimpses of you guys appear and disappear in seconds, and everytime the past is brought up, I want to hurt, but this happens so much that I've gotten used to it. I've forgotten how to be in emotional pain.

Feeling a miracle would happen.

For here you are,
And what was just a world
Is a star
Tonight.

My dreams have been completely out of control lately.
Here's some recent ones:

-I'm standing in line at a restaurant, and there's a group of friends standing in front of me. One of them turns around and I realize it's Kevin McHale omg :3 And he's holding a Lemon Tea Vitamin Water in his hand, so I say "Oh my goodness, where did you get that?! It's my favorite!" And he exclaims, "Yeah, it's my favorite too!" So I say "But I can never find itt, where'd you get it?" And he just says "Seriouslyy...but I don't know where I got it." And then we laugh and he tells me "You know...you have a very beautiful, uh, aura." xD But then he sits down in Jenna Ushkowitz lap ): And her legs are full of cellulite O_O [Though probably not in real life...hopefully not xP]
-My family is having a reunion get-together. My dad's girlfriend decides to work up the guts to go and meet my mother. She walks in to the room, and for some reason my mom is white...with long, curly red hair xD And my mother seems ecstatic to meet her, screaming "It's so nice to meet you!" and giving her a hug. Which is strange. Then, heart-wrenched by this event, all of my uncles begin admitting to my aunts that they've cheated, and they all get into arguments and decide to divorce. The entire time, I am filming the reunion, and suddenly all of the children of the family been crying their eyes out...
-I attend the Kilimanjaro Safari at Walt Disney World's Animal Kingdom, which is the main attraction there. In real life, Mrs. Napoliello told us we all have to go see it if we had the chance last year . In the dream, when I go, all of the animals are fake, plastic replicas.
-A ton of us [my actual friends] are hanging out in some metropolitan area, such as Crystal City or Washington D.C. I'm laying down on a bench. Okay, so in real life, there's a group of guys I'm not too fond of because I think they're arrogant and manwhore-ish. Three that I can think of off the top of my head are Ananta, JJ, and Phillip. I can't remember which one of these was in the dream, but one of them decides they like me, and lays down on top of me. Which is weird. And Awkward. Because I'm laying on my back, and they're laying on their side on top of me, for some reason xD And Anna [Huynh] decides to be mean and like, drops a tennis ball on his penis xD And for some reason, he ejaculates because of this? And so now both him and me are soaked in sperm, wtf -_- But then he gets up, angry, and goes to have a drink. Anna and some others decide to get him REALLY drunk, strip him down to only a tucked-in T-shirt & his boxers, and have him stroll around the area half-naked and sperm-soaked. Everyone's laughing. So embarassing for him. D:
-Me and a couple friends win a trip to meet the Glee cast and see them perform. We're drinking lemonade slushies and having a little dinner party. I'm sitting next to Kevin McHale and super happy :3 Then, before they go to perform, he and Lea Michele give eachother a few pecks on the cheek and lips D: And they're about to perform a song about lemonade slushies, but Diana Agron orders them not to.
-I'm on vacation with my family in Florida when all of a sudden Calvin calls and tells me "You're going to find yourself in a near-death situation, but Patu is going to save your life." And then he hangs up. For some reason, Patu bursts in and pushes me into a closet. I peek through a crack in the door and see a blinding white flash and everything changes into infrared colors. This happens again and again. In other words, waves of radiation are being cast throughout the city. In real life, hiding in a closet probably wouldn't save my life in this situation, but in my dream, it did. Thank you, Patu xD
-I'm walking through a school-like building when I see Calvin, being suffocated by this old Chinese lady, who claims to me she's his mother. I'm like, "What? No way- I've seen his mother before." And she just hugs him and cries. He tells me that she might actually be his mother, that he's been hiding from me the fact that he was seperated from his real mother at birth and adopted by the woman who I believed to be his mother up until now. And then he begins crying. I start crying too, and I walk away to find Vickie, who admits that she knew about this, and I cry even more when I know that he told her but not me, and then Vickie and Calvin and I all hug in tears..D:

So that's everything I remember right now. Strange stuff. What could it all mean? Perhaps I shall look in my dream decoder.

WHY AM I POSTING ON BLOGGER?!

Because I feel like it. I'm tired of Tumblr and Xanga atm. They don't feel right. This feels right. Sort of. Aside from the fact that people can see this, it feels alright. But I don't expect anyone aside from maybe Calvin and/or Sam to see this, I think?
HEY SO SOME THOUGHTS
THAT I WAS THINKING
JUST NOW
...
Why are the Elfster wishlists so complicated? Everyone's insulting them with "too vague!" or "too specific!" nonsense...or "this sucks," "over the spending limit," "doesn't cost money" crap. xD Why don't we all just fill our wishlists with reasonable things and not complain D:
I like buying gifts for everyone, but I only want to spend $5 per person, so that I don't spending over $150 or less on gifts, but everyone's wishlist items are over 5 >.>
Was there something I wanted to write about?
Hm. I think it was love. I've been thinking a lot about love. Like, you have no idea how much of a hopeless romantic I am. I'm actually nearly ALWAYS thinking about love. And soulmates. And marriage. And like wtf, I'm only 16, right? But it's always on my mind for some reason. I like to dream up conversations with whoever I imagine myself being with. I'm really weird ): I don't know if I've stated this before, but Tiffany once said that Tom was too desperate for a girlfriend, but I'm on the same boat as him. I just want not to be alone anymore, so badly. ALMOST THREE YEARS. I'm going to be very sad if I'm still without romantic interests by the end of junior year xD Grrrrr how do other people manage this? I need to learn to be more INDEPENDENT. Like Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer! She didn't even believe in relationships. I should try to be a little like her. OR at least stop dreaming of this storybook fairytale stuff. Oh my goodness, watching the AMAZING firework show at the Disney Magic Kingdom Castle like made me ten years younger. I felt like a little girl, 100% believing in the voice over saying, "If you just believe, all your dreams and wishes will come true!" Oh dear. I'M SO PATHETIC AND DESPERATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee SAVE ME
Loooooove. One of my life goals in my life goal journal is "fall in love." Have I been in love? Nah. I don't know. Hm...I came up with a whole description of what I think love is the other day. It sounds corny if I spell it out for you. This whole thing is corny. =_=
So I'm having a fairly good time in Florida. How are you guys doing? Hope your Thanksgiving was enjoyable. I've visited all the parks in Disney World. In fact, I was just telling Calvin about how I want a ton of us to go there next year, as a graduation road trip...I'm staying in this sweet villa, with a bedroom w/ a queen size bed, a living room w/ two couches that fold out into two full size beds, a kitchen with a fridge, dishwasher, microwave and stove-top oven, and a dining table, a television in the living room and a television in the bedroom, along with a full bathroom w/ a linen closet, a walk-in closet in the bedroom, and a washing machine and dryer for clothes. We could rent one out for like $500 for one week, divided among maybe ten of us would only be $50 per person :D And Disney tickets are like $200-$250ish if you want to stay maybe 3-7 days. So start saving up if you want to go! I think this would be hella fun! It'd be like living together for a week. And we'd drive ten hours to save $ on plane tickets and car rentals. I'll construct a whole game plan when it's not so far down the road.
IT WILL BE FUN :D

HAH. I just went back and read like ten of my old blogs. THEY'RE SO MUCH FUN TO READ. My writing can be pretty delicious, tehe xD I'm definitely going to start blogging a lot on here again :)



CLT: I saw New Moon, right? I'm team Jacob for sure. LOL. HE ALSO MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE.
Edward:
-cold
-pale
-sparkly
-wants to kill her/drink her blood
-tried to leave her/break up with her
-caused her this hole-in-chest sensation
-caused her to nearly kill herself several times
-poses life-threatening situations
-will stay 17 when she's an old lady
-requires losing your soul to stay with forever
-Robert Pattison is awkward and creepy
Jacob:
-warm
-cute
-not sparkly
-protective
-sweet
-cute
-has saved her life
-will live as long as she does
-does not wish to kill her/drink her blood
-does not pose life-threatening situations
-Taylor Lautner is cuteeeeeeeeeeeee :3
If you read my tumblr, I posted a quote from the movie by Charlie, Bella's dad, stating "Sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you." I love this quote mostly because I feel like I can relate to it. And also because Stephanie Meyer didn't write it.

have i found you?

One of my favorite songs is: Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
It will soothe you to sleep. It's an absolutely amazing tune and he has the most brilliant voice.
One thing though:
...The lyrics are a bit...strange.

I was a quick, wet boy diving too deep for coins-
All of your street light eyes wide of my plastic toys.
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long, baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere.
Have I found you?
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping, or lost you American mouth-
Big pill looming.
Now I'm a fat house cat nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats crawl through the white fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos; those fishing lures
Thrown in the cold and clean blood of Christ mountain stream.
Have I found you?
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding, or lost you American mouth-
Big pill stuck going down.

I don't know about you- maybe there's some deep, metaphorical, hidden and sentimental meaning, but I can't see it. So I got bored and wrote some of my own lyrics. They're cheesy, but understandable. Like most song lyrics are. :D

I was engulfed by you, felt high off your sweet perfume;
With flowers in place of eyes, you watched from across the room.
And we were the perfect pair, till suddenly you weren’t there,
So I stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere.
Have I found you?
Flightless bird, grounded, weeping, or lost you, American mouth-
Hiding, looming
Now when my search was done, your cheeks wore a thousand tears.
I whispered “You are the one” as we waded in Autumn sun
Here in this thundering sea these words are a harmony-
Your voice soft as butter cream; my love cries mountain streams.
Have I found you?
Flightless bird, free now, singing, or lost you, American mouth-
Out here, liberating

I kept some stuff the same because it was so good. But yeah. Hooray :D

when did we start this crazy game?

When's the last time that we kissed good night?
I wanna know who you're laughing with;
I wanna know that there's more than this.
But all in all, it's all the same.
It goes on and on...






Hello! I'm not sure if anyone reads my blogger anymore, I would assume if you read either my blogger or tumblr, you'd read the tumblr since I update there more. Regardless...

I watched this show called "The Fashion Show" yesterday [lame]. And at the beginning of the show, this man Merlin and a girl were arguing, and he ends up saying like, "Male domination bitch. Get it." And near the very end of the show, she looks very upset when they win, and the judges ask why she's scowling. She says, "Well, it's just because he told me to shut up because of male domination." And he responds to this with "What? You misunderstood me. You must've heard me wrong. That's not what I meant." These are the people that I get very close to hating. So I hope none of you ever dare tell me you didn't say something when you did.

Fact: Humans are flawed. Very flawed.
Jansen said to me once that I shouldn't see flaws in people, but I see flaws in everyone. They're undeniably everywhere to be found! But he says "How can a person's way of living be a flaw?"
Still wrong.
And everyone else in the world doesn't say this, per se, but they imply it and display it through their actions. People that do know the flaws in humans lose respect for them. They distrust them, dislike them, speak slander of them, quarrel with them, grow angry at them.
But they're wrong as well.
The truth is, everyone in the world is full of endless countless flaws, and the other truth is that we have to accept this. All this drama is caused by people's actions, which for the most part, is caused by them as a person. And their flaws. And we should be able to understand that maybe they don't mean it or maybe we're taking it the wrong way or maybe it isn't that much of a deal. We should be big enough people to realize our own flaws and accept everyone else's as well.
No one should try to change the way anyone else is and they shouldn't be able to criticize their actions and expect them to do what they want them to do. I mean, this excludes like, the act of murdering and such.

Something I saw on Kesiree and Erin's tumblrs inspired me. It's something I'd like to do. So now I shall copy them.

Dear You,
You need to think before you act. And think about what you've done. No one's mad at you. You're taking things too seriously. But I'll admit you have made some massive mistakes. Brutal honesty isn't the best way to go, but lying to your close friends isn't either. Find a balance. It's never all or nothing. It's as if we can't have any relationship other than "really close" or "never talking." All this stuff that's going on- don't blame this on yourself. Don't blame it on others, either. And don't leave us. Believe it or not, everyone in this group still needs you. I know I do.

Dear You,
-You might be one of the people that tries to change what they've previously said [as I discussed earlier]. You're drawing out drama from where it doesn't exist. Bringing out problems with no need for them. This bothers me. Stop it. Ever heard the phrase, "Takes a hypocrite to know a hypocrite?" [it's something John Lennon said] Well, it's true. And highly, highly applies to you. The way you act and things you do irk a large majority of people. I hate hearing them talk behind your back, but I find it somewhat understandable. I love you but you can be hateable.

Dear You,
I can't believe you. I can't believe you would do this. After everything. Everything that I knew you as. You basically threw a lot of it away. You were the one person that wasn't like everyone else, to me. You were like a role model or a hero. I looked up to you and I wanted to change because seeing you, I knew [or thought I did] that it wasn't necessary to be that way. And then you went and did this and all I can say is wow. My disappointment lies in everyone else too, for letting this happen. I thought maybe they'd feel the same way about you. Apparently not.

Dear You,
You frustrate me more than most people do. Low self-esteem is not even just a problem with you, it's as if you have a disorder. You always say you think the world is out to get you, that everyone's conspiring against you, but you're dead wrong. People freaking love you. They adore you. So shut up about that crap. And I think we disagree/argue too much. I'm not sure why. I'm trying to stop doing that. Maybe if we don't even argue much, it seems like it to me because I rarely argue with anyone. Yeah, so I never want to hear you say anything negative about yourself, damn it.

Dear You,
You're really biased. I'll never admit it to you, but you are. Your definition of things are changed based on what you do or don't like, pretty much. In fact, you have a lot of definition problems. Like "love." You use that word too loosely. Even if you don't think so. You'd probably deny all this, because you always deny any flaws I can mention about you, even when you ask me to tell you your flaws so that you can be a better person. You're very compassionate and caring, but don't lose sight of the world around you. Being more self-serving would also be good for you.

Dear You,
I'm not trying to justify it, but the reason that person has issues with you is because you come off as having it all. I don't feel the same way as her, but I want to explain it. You have a lot that other people envy, and you don't brag, but I've seen you bring up things not everyone wants to hear without being asked once or twice. It kind of irks me too. Because to me, you're amazing. You are the closest to perfect anyone gets. But maybe that's just because I don't know certain things about you, since we don't seem to talk as much anymore.

Dear You,
I used to have plenty of problems with you, but not as much lately. I absolutely despise it when you bring up things that don't need to be brought up. Like personal issues that you mention slightly and then don't go into depth with or upsetting comments that make me feel bad, or stupid or useless. You think you've changed but in my opinion, you really haven't at all. You're stubborn beyond belief to a point where I don't even know how to speak to you or convince you of pure and utter truth. You're hypocritical, you expect too much, and you need to grow up.

Dear You,
You're always saying you have no one to talk to, but ever think maybe it's because you don't speak up? You even said one of your closest friends barely knows you. How can you let that happen? I've told you I'm here if you need to talk countless times, but you rarely talk to me and then you complain you have no one to talk to. Sigh. What bothers me about you is that you're always disagreeing with what people say. You have this smirk about your face and stand-offish tone about your voice that actually kind of scares me, come to think of it. Always trying to be correct.

Well, I think the point of these is to not tell the people you're talking to which ones they are. So yeah, I don't plan on telling anyone (:
Re-reading this, I probably sound like a big hypocrite, hahaha.

Don't you dare say that I'm "taking this out on all males" because of you.
I even said it's been something I've thought for a while.
As if you're the only guy who does this;
All guys do, and they always have!
As if it's all because of "your mistakes."
Arrogant.
You're not the only one.
If you think about it, it's not that hard to figure out what "girls" are getting mad at you for;
I never even said I was mad at you.
I was just ranting about guys in general, because they can be jerks.
Why did you have to take it directly towards you
& think that you're the sole reason for my thoughts
Because that's not true.
How self-centered.

[I'm sorry I'm so mean]

Tiff wrote something on her blog that I've been thinking a lot about too.

"Be careful with people's emotions."

I say this to everyone, but particularly guys. Sometimes I wonder if it is merely because males are so conceited, or whether it's quite the opposite; that you're so low in self-esteem that you need a way to feel better about yourself. Because it's much more common to hear a guy say, "I'm awesome," or "I'm hot," or compliment themselves than it is to hear a girl say that, in my opinion. At least, from my experience. And it's a constant thing that I watch occur, guys calling girls "fat" or "ugly" and it's terrible, really. Because girls have extremely low self-esteems. Much lower that guys do. And girls don't put down guys most of the time, so why do you do it to us?
Unless guys really do just want to make themselves feel better, I say to you that you have no idea how much it hurts girls more than you know, how self-conscious it makes them. Saying that you don't like their hair or what they're wearing? It's not something people want to hear. Why be so honestly blunt? It's not necessary. -_- I would understand if they asked you for an opinion and you didn't want to lie. But don't bring it up if you don't have to. Where's your reasoning? Like in Bambi, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Girls don't do that; girls are considerate. And if guys really ARE as self-concious as girls, I would expect you to understand how it feels to be insulted.
Don't do it. Pisses me off too. Both to see it and have it happen to me.

the cadence of what she says is well

I'll think I'll copy Jansen and start recording all my favorite lyrics :D
[I've always wanted to collect them anyway, why not do it on my blog]

"You won't have to strain to look into my eyes. I'll be your winter coat, buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up, so you won't catch a cold."
-Brand New Colony by The Postal Service

"If you cut me I suppose I would bleed the colors of the evening sky."
-The Technicolor Phase by Owl City

"Take us high to sing the world goodbye...
My darling, we're both on the wing, look out and keep on singing and we can go anywhere."
-On the Wing by Owl City

"People talking without speaking; people hearing without listening; people writing songs that no one ever shared."
-The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

"How many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry? And how many deaths will it take 'til he knows that too many people have died? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind."
-Blowin' in the Wind by Bob Dylan

"And when no hope was left inside on that starry, starry night, you took your life as lovers often do. But I could have told you, Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."
-Starry Starry Night by Don Mclean

"I'm a war of head versus heart, and it's always this way. My head is weak; my heart always speaks before I know what it will say."
-Crooked Teeth by Death Cab For Cutie

"But there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade, and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all, and here I rest where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night."
-Title and Registration by Death Cab For Cutie

"Remember, whatever, it seems like forever ago. The regrets are useless in my mind- she's in my head. I must confess; and in the darkest nights, if my memory serves me right, I'll never turn back time.."
-Whatsername by Green Day

"Take away the sensation inside; bittersweet migraine in my head. It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind."
-Give Me Novocaine by Green Day

"One light, one mind flashing in the dark, blinded by the silence of a thousand broken hearts."
-Minority by Green Day

"I'm gonna stand up; I'm gonna let go. You know, you know, no, you don't, you don't. I'm gonna shine on in the hearts of men."
-All These Things That I've Done by The Killers

"When you find yourself in the thick of it, help yourself to a bit of what is all around you."
-Martha My Dear by The Beatles

"Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight."
-I'm Looking Through You by The Beatles

"Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you."
-Julia by The Beatles

"And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer- let it be."
-Let It Be by The Beatles

"With our love we could change the world. If they only knew."
-Within You Without You by The Beatles

"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one."
-Imagine by John Lennon

Hmm it's about 12 now, so I should go to sleep. Gotta wake up early tomorrow for an Empire State Building tour and a ferry cruise and shopping and then I get to see that "Stomp" show...you know with the trash cans and stuff. I'm in NYC, btw. xD
Maybe I'll add more later :)

on a more positive note-

People don't know what they do. The way the can change things with one simple action- with one small movement, one word.

I lied when I told you that I'd only miss a select few people, because a while ago, when I found out I was moving, I said I felt like I had nothing to miss, but Tom, you changed that. I hope you can feel the happiness that I feel when I help someone or give something when you read this. Two nights out having a lot of fun, all thanks to you, and now I know it's more than a select few people. I know I'll miss this. These nights. Who knows what we'll do in the summer...but all this is worth so much to me. For a period of time, I had honestly forgotten how much I enjoyed spending time with you guys, but Tom, you sparked it back up again. And I remember it, and I will miss it.
So I am sorry for everything I've said, so rashly. I'm being much too rash lately.

And the things people have said about my baking, causing me to bake more.
What they've said about my poetry, causing me to write more.
What they've said about my photography, making me more enthused.

These simple words and actions which can change everything.
Just as I said before, about how things can change in an instant-

For both good and bad, apparently.....

start living life before we die.

Go roll down that window.
Go crank up that radio.
Let's drive until we hit the sky.
It's not about where we will go...



My heart aches so much right now.
There are a thousand things I'd like to say but how do I get them out all at once?
Let's start with square one.
Last night I was telling myself I didn't care if you never spoke to me again. I didn't regret what I'd done. And this morning I woke up and felt like it had all been a dream. The entirety of yesterday never happened and when I checked in my diary, there would've been no entry on this, and when I checked your blog, those posts wouldn't have been there.
But it's all still here.
I don't really know what I think now- I guess I really must still have some fragment of a heart left inside of me, because I still can't bring myself to say what I want to say out loud. Is it because I'm afraid to hurt you? I think so...
Even after Tiff told me that we all should've let you know what was going on...we should've talked about the situation, before it came to this; this abrupt stop. This sudden change that might not have the ability to be undone.
It's interesting how things can change in an instant, because the instant I decided to stay in Tom's car, I think a lot of things just switched on and off right there. Turned around.
Calvin's right, Jansen, you really need to take this in from everyone's point of view.
Not just yours.
You have no idea.

...I suppose I'll go on with the things I need to let out later........


[PS: Vincent, you were right. Blogging really is just a pathetic method of telling people what you want to tell them because you're too much of a wimp to say it out loud. I don't have the ability to let myself do that yet. I'm not sure I ever will.]

stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face,
When you lose something you can't replace;
When you love someone but it goes to waste...
Could it be worse?





Hmm, Vincent, I don't know about this.
Even though you won't read this...I find it interesting that you think I'm the reason everyone started to blog D: I think Tiff and you had a blog before me...xD
Who knows, Jansen listened to you...maybe you'll be my counter and turn everything around and make everyone stop blogging.
Well I hope I don't come off as trying to "tell you off", to you guys.
I realized my last post sounds extremely self-centered, and I forgot to mention I don't blame anyone for all that! It was a failure on all our parts. Because I know how Tom says he's feeling, and it frustrates me that you guys were blaming it on him, because how can you leave it all up to him to come up with ideas and know what we should do and take us there? You kept saying that his ideas were boring and that you didn't want to do them- but did you come up with anything to do instead? I don't understand, honestly. :\

You're right about one thing though, Vincent.
A lot of people tell me they know me better through my blog than in real life. This saddens me, because it is pathetic, but I keep my blog for three sole reasons, really.
1. Because typing is so much faster than writing by hand
2. So that I don't have to let Calvin borrow my diary or read it out loud to him every time I write an entry
3. ...I love the way my Tumblr looks, and I enjoy pretty websites xD

I don't know about you, but I could NEVER stop reading other people's blogs! I hate not knowing how my friends are feeling, how they've been, what's gone on in their life that maybe they want to talk about. Because it really doesn't make any sense to bring up your problems out of the blue in a conversation, and especially now that a lot of people are in to blogging, I absolutely adore reading what they have to say. I find humans so fascinating, and especially the people I'm close to are so enjoyable to read from.
So I beg you guys to not follow Vincent, because I hope you know I've probably read every single word on every single post of yours. So I don't want to hear any of that "no one's going to read this" crap! :D

...On the other hand, quite alternatively, I've been feeling very fed up with most of my "close" friends. More and more and more lately. It's constantly increasing, and every single action they do is beginning to piss me off for no reason. I'd say misanthrope, but it's not, because I love everyone else.
The people I feel as if I'm going to miss the most are the ones I never hang out with, like Cristian, Sasmit, Jonah, Dao and Earvin. Maybe I just need a break from the VSA kids.

Oh, and Jason! I don't know about the word "crew" either. It's just something Tom used the other day.

melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.

& I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes,
But if the silence takes you,
Then I hope it takes me too.
So brown eyes I hold you near
`Cause you’re the only song I want to hear.

Could last night have been any more pointless?

So here’s a summary!

Okay so I was bored all day, downloading music and such, and then Tiff suggested we do something…and after a ton of complaining and unecessary but light drama and discussion and all that stuff I hate, we decided on Vincent’s house, sleepover at Sam’s, and then do something in the morning.
At Vincent’s, we played Mario Party, and then Robert picked Jansen up, and Tom took Tiff, Sam & I home. And we sung Disney songs in the car!
When we got to Sam’s, we realized we could’ve just stayed out because her parents weren’t home. So Tom picked us up again and we drove around, still singing disney songs. And then we got back to Sam’s just as her mom was coming back…but fail, we were locked out of her house xD We ended up saying we were taking a walk because the house was too hot?
We sat around and complained about the incomprehensible cuteness of a stuffed animal cell phone holder pig thing…and fell asleep.
Up until this point the night had been pretty fun.
Around 4 AM, Sam woke Tiff & I up, saying Robert was on the way to pick us up, and this confused me because I thought Tom’d pick us up. Anyway! FOR SOME REASON, Sam says they’re going to pick us up at Vinh Kee, so we WALK to Vinh Kee at 4 AM, just woken up, in the cold and the rain, God damnit.
…When he could’ve just picked us up @ Sam’s?! POINTLESS #1.
So once we get to Vinh Kee, no one’s there to pick us up. Sam calls Robert, and turns out they hadn’t even left yet! NEVER AGAIIIIIIIN.
We had to wait…and you know who ended up coming to pick us up?! TOM. IT MAKES NO SENSEEEee
Disney songs still playing. Robert, Vincent and Jansen are following us in Robert’s car, and we decide to go to IHOP, because much earlier, Tiff said we should have some 4 AM IHOP. We get there. And we ask, so who’s eating? And no one’s hungry. No one would’ve bought anything had we gone inside. POINTLESS # 2.
So Tom decides to try a car chase tag scavenger hunt type thing.
We go to some bakery, hoping Robert & them don’t find us, but they do. We stand outside the bakery for quite a while, trying to figure out what to do because Robert and them say that this is boring, and that they don’t want to look for us or follow us again, because they didn’t enjoy it. And you know what? We did it again anyway. POINTLESS# 3.
It didn’t really make any sense that we didn’t get a headstart or anything, because they just followed us around town for like half an hour. POINTLESS #4.
We ended up going to Harris Teeter [why?!?!] because Tom said he wanted “boxes,” but then the cereal was too expensive so we just left. POINTLESS #5.
Then we’re like, what do we do now? We drive for soooo long, to where David lives and other places…and then we just go back to Vincent’s. & Vincent says “I don’t see why we didn’t just go here in the first place.” AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT. I’m sitting downstairs listening to them talk about Tom and it sounds like they’re blaming him, and you know what they decide? Jansen says “Wanna go on an adventure?” And I ask “Where?” “An Adventure!” THEY DECIDE TO GO EAT AT IHOP.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
POINTLESS # 6.
But Tiff and I refuse to go to IHOP. While we try to decide on something, Robert decides to drive in circles around lamposts and all over the schoolgrounds of both Fairfax & Woodson High Schools. Wtf? POINTLESS # 7.
We eventually decided on Denny’s. I fall asleep in the car, and awaken to see we’ve arrived at Denny’s, and then Tiff says, “Never mind. Just drive.” And we leave Denny’s, after such a loooooong drive there for no reasonnn ;_; POINTLESS # 8.
I fall back alseep again. I awaken and it’s more than a hour later, and we’ve been driving for THAT long. So sad. We go back into Sam’s house, and we all crash on the couches.
I applaud us.

PS: Though it’s pathetic to admit, I kind of think this wouldn’t have frustrated me as much as it did if it weren’t for one thing. So, my friends- meaning Tom, Tiff, Sam, Tina, Robert, David and Vincent and etc.- who Tom calls “the crew,” meaning the people who he hangs out with…they go on “adventures,” which Samantha always tells me about, and they sound really fun- they go out driving to random places and do interesting things early in the morning [12-7 AMish], and then they all tell me stories about it. But I’ve never been on one. So we were all hoping to have an adventure last night/this morning, and I was feeling kind of excited that maybe I’d finally get to experience one, since I was the only one who never went with them…but then it didn’t work. I feel like it’s because of me. As I wrote in an earlier post, I feel like no one at this school really pays notice to me, or wants me around, except Calvin, when he was still here. But now he’s gone…

And I cannot wait to move.

i just wanna see you looking at me.

You’ll make biscuits and I’ll make tea.
We’ll curl up close and then fall asleep
To the sound...
Of no one else,
No else around.





Look at this nonsense:

"Everything is just going wrong nowadays; the 'group' is supposedly drifting apart."
"Rumors started to spread and thus led to severed relationships."
"The reason why I would say I'm sad, is because my friends are sad."
"Someone is always causing drama, or being blamed for causing it. We're all so distant."
"So lately I don't feel very close to my friends and that's just my fault."
"Some are too block-headed and start up shit."
"Everybody is leaving and nobody is fighting to pull us together."

Do you hear this? These excerpts I've collected, they're words from our friends! Yours, and mine. And you know who they're all talking about? Us! We are the cause of all this sadness, this depression, these rumors, arguments, anger, all this that we constantly complain about. You say we're falling apart, you say things need to change, but are you doing anything about it? It's only us! Us being the stupid angst-driven teenagers we are. Causing not only unnecessary, but also excessive drama all the time! C'mon, grow up. Be happy. Appreciate what we have while we still have it.
Please.

Tiffany Camp once said:
"Only by looking back do we appreciate what we had."

born to gaze into night skies.

You don't know how long I've been
Watching the lantern dim,
Starved of oxygen.
So, give me your hand
And let's jump out the window.






Oh god. What will come out of this continuous procrastination of homework, Vy-Anh?

I thank Vickie & Jansen for this. I think it's an interesting idea. But unfortunately I discovered I can't tell you any names or anything if I'm going to tell you about my life for the past year. I'm sorry. You're just going to have to deal. Most of the things that happen to me are things involving other people; people I can't just reveal the lives of without their consent.
So the bolded words are changed names.

One year ago was around the time I started liking Green Scratch. He had a girlfriend. But he started liking me back too. Wrote me a poem, in letter form, which he slipped in my locker. Was the first time I'd had that happen. Many firsts within the last year. He and his girlfriend went on a break, and eventually broke up. I felt bad about it. Guilty.
School ended, my GPA miserably low. I was having issues with depression, having dreams about drugs. Went to my good friend Alice about it, asking about these drugs. She encouraged it, said they'd help me, as I thought they would.
First day of summer, told my mom I was sleeping over at Alice's house. First time sneaking out and staying out all night. Had my first taste of weed, but it didn't do much. Had three ecstasy pills, and this did do much. First taste of beer, Smirnoff Ice, still my favorite to this day. Snuck out to a pool, went to a park. Green Scratch and I hit it off in the dirt next to a creek in a forest. Second base, which, sadly, is the farthest I've gone, mind you. Felt ecstatic [obviously], happy, and all those other effects you read about which involve X. Went back to his house, kissed him goodbye. Felt even more depressed after the effects wore off. Insecure. Suicidal. Wanted to vomit, but had nothing to throw up- I hadn't eaten for the past 24 hours.
And so that was the night that changed my life. Everything completely transformed from then on.
That night was the first bonfire at Sam's. Expecting Green Scratch and I to somehow be together-ish? Still felt sick, didn't eat anything, and eventually fell asleep. Woke up to have Tyler tell me that Green Scratch had been cuddling with one of my best friends, Squack, all night. Great. Spent the rest of the day making pancakes, then sleeping.
Summer went on, as if nothing happened. Had way too much fun, went out EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. No exageration. Pentagon City. DC. Sleepovers. Power Outages. Monopoly @ McDonald's. Fairfax Fair. Rave2Save. Swimming. The Mall.
Liz and I sleptover at Sam's, and we snuck out to go swimming in the middle of the night at the LaFayette Village pool with Vincent, Anna, Daniel, Amy, Jason and Tom. And then IHOP at 3 AM. Fun :]
Everything was fun, really. I couldn't be happier. Not possibly.
And then all of a sudden, Rice Cooker [LOL for those who know who this is, I didn't know what else to call him] decided to throw a party. My first drinking party. And coincidentially, my mom was out of town that weekend, so I had my friends sleepover and we went out. It was fun. First taste of vodka, and first game of beer pong. More time spent with Green Scratch, and we went up to Rice Cooker's room, to be alone...until two of my friends decided it wasn't a good idea and made us get out. Later that night, Green Scratch was all over Squack again, just like at the bonfire.
Even though we talked about it, that was all that happened between us, but a lot has happened between them two since. He called us, and his ex, his "options," and this is probably what made me stop liking him. I thought it was a very jerk thing to say. Still do. He's been bouncing back and forth between his ex and Squack, and it's not my problem anymore. Sorry.
So that would be another first. My first summer fling?
I spent a week in Texas. Day in DC was fail. Atlantic City was absolutely amazing; what we still call probably the most fun we had all summer. Asian Festival too.
Rice Cooker held another party, and I learned never to play Vodka pong, because you'll end up with absolutely no control or remembrance of what happened. This is when I got caught, and grounded. From then on, I didn't do anything until school began, besides shop, alone, and attend our end of the year bonfire, which was not as much fun as the first, but still something. Maybe that was a sign of the death of our group to come.
No regrets. Regretting isn't worth it. The best summer of my life so far, and I don't plan on forgetting it.
School began, my GPA up again, A & B honor roll ever since. But social life started to go downhill. We've had two more parties since the start of the school year, one which I spent just chilling out and not having much, and the other which I spent sleeping. Homecoming dinner was one of the most fun nights I've had during 10th grade. Along with the musical nights, matching Thursdays, football games, Trung Thu, Cho Tet, GMU, spirit weeks, tailgate, DC again, days spent afterschool, the haunted house, the plays, more dinners, birthdays, christmas & new years parties, raves, sneaking out, board games, movies.
I joined the swim team and it got me fit and healthy, but I'm decreasing in that department ever since it ended. Tyler and Calvin moved, and Liz transferred. Next year all of my senior friends will be in colleges, Jason and I are moving, too.
Things are alright. Boring as ever. Nothing's been the same since sophomore year began, and I've forgotten why I bother getting up each morning, why my friends meant so much to me, how I used to be so happy and have so much fun. I hear the songs that remind me of those times and I begin to tear up. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And I don't know if it's possible for you guys to miss it as much as I do. But I hope I'm not alone in this desire. This desire to make things the way they used to be. I miss the times we shared. I wrote about this on my Tumblr. How now, everyone is depressed, or whining, complaining, stubborn, reluctant, or just completely broken apart from our group. We used to just be happy with what we had, appreciated life, lived it to the fullest, found fun in everything we could, tried to make it last. My life has been dull ever since, so I don't want to bore you guys anymore.

-edited- I want to list the names of all the people that have been at the parties, just for fun. See if you can decipher who's who? It's funny to see what nicknames I can come up with. So far I've already got a lot of comments on "Rice Cooker" xD
Me, Rice Cooker, Alice, Griffin Boy, Squack, Green Scratch, Shang, Any, Mocha Frappuchino, Shtick, Black Dildos, Poop, M-O, Default and WRYYYY.
LOL I love my choices. Try to figure it out! :DDD

In three days, I don't ask for much. I've been going along just fine like this, because I know I'm moving next year, and I hope I can find that fun again. That excitement. Something new. I'm sorry for everything you guys, I know it's terrible to say I can't wait to leave you, but I can't lie. Maybe, if anything, I want us to come back together again, and have fun this Saturday? I miss us.

If you read this then write your own story, One year ago till today. then include what you want to do 3 days from today. and paste this at the end of your blog so everyone else can do it.

when the elephants arrive.

The ornaments look pretty,
But they're pulling down the branches of the tree.
I don't want to think about it;
I don't want to talk about it.
When I kiss your lips,
I want to sink down to the bottom of the sea.







I think I'll keep the Tumblr and make posts on it everyday, but save this blog for my long, extensive stories.

This blog also serves the purpose of following other blogs, because Tumblr can only follow other Tumblrs, and I like to make sure I'm up to date with your guys' blogs too :D

What I really enjoy about Tumblr is basically the appearance it holds compared to the dull, simple design of blogspot. My Tumblr is much pretttier, so you should probably go check it out. I can't really do much on here, but write. Posting photos is too much of a hassle on here; it's much easier on Tumblr. I can also posts music and videos there too :D


I decided to make a Tumblr while I was stumbling, and I was brought to this site:
http://brokenmachine.tumblr.com/

I think it looks pretty damn sweet.

tumblr? :D

Like Patricia's!
http://sadxaffairs.tumblr.com/
Yay! Keep or delete? :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C__r7Rm5Tmg&feature=channel_page
^MY THIRD VIDEO CULMINATION YAY! :D

-EDIT-
Oi. Yesterday was not a good day.
I don't know why I'm feeling so down lately. When no ones around I always end up crying. When people are around I end up trying to hold something in, but what is there to hold in? What reason do I have to feel this way?
I was supposed to stay after for the play read-through, but my mom said I had to take the late bus and be home by five or I wouldn't be able to go out again. Hopefully I can stay again today, but I'll need a ride.
So I had to leave the read-through early, which made me feel bad...and then the bus ride was dreadful because my head was throbbing and my neck ached [and still aches] terribly for reasons I'm unsure of. My late bus bus stop is rather far from my house and it was just so cold yesterday...and I had to walk home alone, too.
I got home and my brother needed help with his homework, and he couldn't even figure out a truly simple problem. I asked him for two numbers that add up to 8, and he said 6 and 3 and it took him over a minute or two to figure out he was wrong. This made me so sad. My mom started yelling at me for not helping him properly, or something...and I went upstairs and just teared up inexplicably.
Later, I was really hungry/thirsty but I have nothing to eat/drink in my house, because it's all in the new house. But I didn't want to go to the new house because it was so cold.
After a few hunger pangs [I didn't have breakfast or a lunch either, besides half of Reggie's bread and two crackers] I decided I'd quickly run over just to make dry noodles and come back. So I did, but the oils were frozen, and the stove of the other house smelled miserably when I turned it on. The water never came to a boil, so it took a longgg time for the noodles to soften, and there were no scissors or knives so I had to open the oils with my hands and it got all over me and it took such a long time to get them open that they froze back up and I couldn't even get them into the bowl. And there was no drainer or anything...but I could live with that. I was sniffling from the cold, and my mom accused me of crying and tried to ask what was wrong, tried to talk about it. I told her nothing and she got angry again. She yelled each time I asked her where something was in the house. I asked then if I could go back to the other house, but then corrected myself, asking to go home. Then I grabbed a chocolate milk and ran back home. The back door to my house is not operable at the moment, the lock doesn't work, but it's impossible to open from the outside sometimes. I stood in the freezing cold for what felt like the longest time putting all my strength into trying to open that damned door, and I just ended up crying against the windowpane calling out loud to God, if he exists, to "Please stop this pain. Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? What it was, I'm sorry for. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Please stop it. Just help me. Let me not feel this way. Open the door. Let me in. Just let me in." But the door didn't dare budge, and I had to run out to the front of the house hoping the front door wasn't locked. Fortunately it wasn't. I walked to the back and opened the back door to retrieve my noodles, which were now also, close to frozen.

So I've been packing almost all day...and my favorite part about moving has always been finding lost items and papers I'd forgot about/been looking for!
I thought I'd go through these lost and found things with you :)
Well so far it hasn't been much besides some poems.

From 8th grade:
What could you possibly expect
Of someone you don't even know?
Since you are obviously unaware
That I have always been the one
To sit and wonder,
To sit and wait,
To sit alone.

Short and not written very well, but I feel it's something I could expand on?


Fear, is killing me inside.
Fear of the dark
Fear of bathtubs
Fear of the rice cooker lid falling upon my hand
Fear of bees
Fear of dead animals
Fear of holes and bumps
Fear of letting me be me
Fear of answering and guessing things incorrectly
Fear of being yelled at
Fear of what others think
Fear of being touched
Fear of treating others badly
Fear of the would being out to get me
Fear of no one understanding
Fear of giving bad impressions
Fear of letting people hear my voice
Fear of opening up
Fear of expressing my feelings aloud
Fear of criticism
Fear of what hides from me
Fear of letting my guard down
Fear of losing anything and anyone
PARANOIA.
of the world that lies outside of
my own head.
Of being myself.


I need to write poetry.
It's been so long.
And I am at complete disbelief.
You.
You are all that resides in my mind.
My brain has been driven away.
Only you.
No rhymes to share.
No emotions which I am able to express.
No thoughts I can put
Into something beautiful.
I try.
And fail.
For you have prevailed.
I want.
And need.
But cannot succeed.



Yep. :D

i don't want to beat around the bush.

So, uh...
Just Dance - Lady Gaga
I LOVE THIS SONG :D
It took me a long time to realize this; I didn't like it much at all the first time I'd heard it on Miss Universe or Miss America or whatever...xD

Sorry I don't blog enough. I get lazy, or I'm afraid whatever I have to say isn't interesting enough that you'd want to hear!
I'm supposed to be packing right now. Got home about half an hour ago? I had quite a fun day (:
I'm getting more content with my life, just as I'm about to move? How inconvenient. NOT UNCONVENIENT, JANSEN. Haha.
Heritage night was on Friday! It went pretty well, aside from us not being able to find a green ribbon and an Asian hat for two of the acts. Of course though, we found them after the performances were over...-_-
Oh and I made callbacks for the "Wizard of Oz"! So, thank you Jansen, for helping me with my lines and convincing me to try out :P
I tried out for a character called Gloria, but I'm probably not going to be her...we'll see what happens :]
It'll be a nice last thing to do at Falls Church though.
Mr. Reed said,
"We've got to get you up on stage more! Whether it's in the plays, or in the chorus, but you've been with the Haunted House for two years now and you keep just, edging or working your way towards this department. You've got a too much of a good personality and beautiful voice and a pretty face, and I'm glad you've finally auditioned. You'll definitely be up on the stage somewhere in this play."
This was a boost to self-esteem? :D

Heritage Night was honestly a lot of fun. I don't know why. It just felt really good to get everything right and finally be up in front of everyone and have congratulations from friends and parents and teachers who watched and to finally make up for all the work we've gone through for weeks, to finally do it and have this relief and joy :D

Today was Tina's birthday! :]
Robert picked me up to go to Fuddrucker's at like 5ish, and they made a strawberry cake with cheerios and food coloring as icing xD...and a penis.
And then we went to Party City and something of an "adventure" until David's parents left his house and we went over there to raaaave! It was a lot of fun as well. I learned how to do the "butterfly" rave technique and then sort of learned "tracing." From the good music to just being with my lovely friends, it was all pretty cool (:
...I could've done without Tom's mindraping butt dance thing though....O_O

I wish I could've stayed the night though D:


Hm. I'm not positive I have a particular subject for this post. How about we look through my diary and see what I can come up with?
So you know how Calvin moved, yes? I miss him a lot. :\ For like the first week, I'd sit in class and think to myself, I wonder where Calvin is, or Why is he late? And then I'd remember, Oh yeah, he's gone... And I have no lunches and no one to walk me to 6th and 7th period anymore...well Jansen usually walks with me now, I suppose. I wear Calvin's aviators and jacket and flannel shirt to feel like he's still there. It's not much, but it's something, you know? I feel lost and lonely a lot of the time he's not there...hm. It's not something I'm used to, I guess.
Two more years without him...D:

I'm trying to upload a new little video culminations on Youtube but it won't let me because supposedly I'm using "copyrighted content," being the song Marching Bands of Manhattan by Death Cab For Cutie, and I'm not "liscensed to," and I don't know what to do. I can't upload it. It won't work. It like analyzes the music in the video and matches it to the real song and tells me I can't use it unless I prove it in print, or some shit. Gah. Maybe I'll upload it on facebook?
...But that's no fun.
All my other culminations are on Youtube :\

the impact of literature.

First time with topic to blog about for a while.
Reason to blog: Calvin says he checks my blog more than i update.

If noticing words are not complete sentences and very fragmented,
Reason is this:
When I read books, I become like the characters of them,
Despite what I do.
Most likely because my lack of personality
Makes me follow my surroundings -
Surroundings including books I read.
This is just way I am.
Shows influence of literature on one who has no life or characteristics.
And resorts to stealing traits of other characters.

Examples:
Catcher in the Rye: "Holden Caufield" = very pessimistic and cynical
Me = became pessimistic and cynical [criticized humans and had a miserable view on the world] after reading this
The Bell Jar: "Esther Greenwood" = clinically depressed for not much of an apparent reason; tries to commit suicide several times
Me = started to think that I could be depressed for no reason, began to look for possible disorders I could have, methods of suicide
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time: "Christopher Boone" = believes that if he saw three yellow cars in a row while riding the bus in the morning, he would have a good day, and that if he saw three red cars in a row, he'd have a bad day
Me = believes that when the lights are off in jagtime,I will have a good day, and when they are on I don't have as good of a day
I Can't Tell You: "Jake" = writes on sticky notes and pads and napkins and other forms of non-traditional stationary little private excerpts and other cute confessions
Me = began to do this more, thinking writing and notes were the best way of communication, or at least the sweetest
Diary: "Misty Marie Wilmot" = artist, causes herself pain as inspiration to create beautiful art
Me = took freezing cold showers and got no sleep in order to draw and paint better

And if you know me well enough,
What's the latest "book" i've read?
Watchmen.
Rorshach, a character you may know if you're Calvin or Jonah or Reggie (but Calvin will probably be the only one of them who reads this), talks in fragments.
As if he's taking notes. Bullet points. Cuts out all the filler words and grammatically correct structres.
Speaks like this.
Without worry or care.
Just to get out most vital information in least time.
Much more efficient.
I love it.
You've probably noticed, Calvin.
Just a few moments ago!
Told you:
"Don't want to go to algebra. Boring. No homework. Probably fall asleep."


So if you hear me in near future,
With my broken speech-
Reason is this.

artificial intelligence and the iron giant.

I just kind of want to cover something before I forget it.
I'll try, but I don't know if I can explain it to it's fullest extent, when it's something I feel so strongly.
Death.
Honestly one of my biggest fears.
When I was little, I watched this movie...what's it called. Wait.
...
A.I. (Artificial Intelligence), directed, produced & co-written by Steven Spielberg.
Have you ever seen it? I don't remember it exactly, but I remember there is a boy, who is a robot/android type thing built with the ability to love, and he spends the whole time searching for a blue fairy, which will help him find his adoptive mother? I don't know. And eventually he is frozen in the ocean for years and years, and by the time he is found and removed, it is by aliens, and humans are completely extinct, and thus his mother doesn't any longer exist. But the aliens tell him they can clone his mother from a hair of her's, which sits on the boy's teddy bear, but the clone won't last permanently. And so a clone is made, and he spends a wonderful day with his "mother", but at the end of the day, they fall asleep, but she never wakes up.
This movie scared me out of my mind.
I started thinking about my mom never waking up, and then myself never waking up. I worried what the boy would do for the rest of eternity, since he would never grow older or die (since he's an android)...and I got so sad and frightened.
I began a routine where I cried every night, worrying that a murderer would break in and kill me. That I would have a heart attack or pulmonary embolism while sleeping...that somehow my death was just around the corner, and everything would be gone.
All my surroundings, my house, my family, my friends.
Emotions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, future, love, everything I knew and cherished and lived for every day...non-existent.
You know how you feel and you can think and be. But do you ever imagine not being? Can you even begin to comprehend the concept of nothing?
Because I've never believed in a heaven or hell or afterlife or reincarnation or things like that. I imagined that once your life is over, it's over. Nothing left. This darkness that immediately takes over. An abyss. The same abyss which consumes your whole when you're sleeping but not dreaming. You know how it is when you're sleeping and not dreaming. Can you imagine that, but lasting forever?
Can you feel what I feel?

*EDIT*

No!
You guys read it before I got to finish it!
I wrote it in Jagtime but then the bell rung....you guys didn't get the full story D:
I hope you come back and reread this!
Anyway!
So yeah Patu, the movie made me cry too D:
I just had a few more things to include.
I think about dying constantly. I worry about dying and it makes me so sad to think that one day I won't have the ability to live anymore. To do and be. And I lay there in bed every night and my heart aches and aches and I roll around trying to get it off my mind, but it's so hard. And lately it's been more frequent and prominent than it has been since I was a little kid. And thus, lately I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I can't imagine that all this. All that I am and have been and will be. All that I've experienced and every day that goes by that I can have the joy of life within me, that one day I won't have that anymore. I won't have anything, even myself. There will be no "I."
From the point I watched A.I. on I complained to my mother constantly that I thought I'd die and what would happen when I did and what if someone else died, then what would I do?
She told me I'd meet them in heaven.
And at some point in the future, I watched "Iron Giant," which you've probably seen? And when the giant dies, the boy's mother (I think) says that death is a part of life. And my mom kept telling me, "See honey, you just have to accept that one day, everyone and every living thing dies."
But I find it very hard to accept.
Or get off my mind.
I'm such a frightened child. ;_;

This really hurts to think of.


But then again.
All this is really selfish. I shouldn't be worried about my own death and wants; but instead of the sake of humanity, the future of the earth and what the ones who will live after me have in store. It is my dream that I can do something for them...so that my life that I lived only to have it taken from me at one point won't have been in vain. So that I could be worth something.
For, as I believe I've stated before, I want to be famous. I think it's useless to have lived if in years after your death, when your children and their children are deceased and there's no one left that knew you while you lived, that at some point in the future, no one will know of you. It will be as if you had never existed. And then what's the point of any of this? If someday, it's all basically worthless.
I need to find a way I can change things, and influence people, and be someone that could be mentioned centuries after my death.
Like George Washington. Or Shakespeare. Alexander the Great. Napolean. These people. Their lives weren't in vain. And neither shall mine be. If I must die at one point, I'm not going through the trouble for nothing.



"To be forgotten is worse than death."

eyes are as red as the sun.

Oh it's been getting so hard,
Living with the things you do to me.
My dreams are getting so strange;
I'd like to tell you everything I see.






There's not anything particular which I want to center this post around; I'm just rather bored and figured I should start blogging a bit more, lest I forget any feelings, thoughts or events which I might want to remember in the future.
So, greetings (:

Hm, yesterday was our last meet, against Stuart, and it was home. Thus, a few of my friends decided to come :D Calvin, Tiff, Jansen, Reggie, Samantha, and Tom I think it was? Erin was there too, but I wasn't aware of her coming~
Anyway! Sorry you guys had to sit through that in stuffy, crowded settings. I think I should've told you that Leah & I's events were within the last portion of the whole meet xD
And I don't want to hear this "you did great" stuff anymore, because I know I didn't because by the time I got out the other lanes were much ahead of us and at the end when Haley had to do a 50 all alone...she was saying "I feel so embarassed, seriously." And seemed so pissed off and I couldn't even bring myself to look at her for I was feeling so bad..and frightened.
Nonetheless, [and thank god that] my contribution to the team was small enough to be insignificant, and the girls won anyway (:
Unfortunately, the boys lost...and the total points from both sides added together contributed to a total loss to Stuart ><

You know in all honesty, though, I don't get extremely tired or worn out quickly...and the only thing that slows me down is my damn breathing. I don't know if it's because I might have inherited a small case of ashtma from my mom (doubtful, but she seems to think it possible), or that I just have small lungs with small capacity or...I don't know. But I lost the ability to breathe so quickly, even after a short 25 sprint my lungs want to explode.
Same reason I can't hold a note in a song...hm. Sounds like excuses, excuses.
..."Excuses are like buttholes; everyone has one." -Mr. Faust :D

When I stay home all day on weekends like I did today...I mean, it's a freaking Saturday, for Christ's sake...I never say "Christ's sake" O_O
Like I was saying, when this happens, I often wonder if my friends are out doing anything. They usually are...I wonder what they're up to right now...and if they are, though I'm not accusing them...I wonder if they thought to invite me? Or maybe it's for the best. And I can say to myself, "Who said they wanted you there in the first place, Vy-Anh? Ever wonder WHY they don't invite you? Don't be so arrogant and filled with your foolishly high expectations."
Sometimes when they do invite me, I can't go or don't want to, and when it's that situation, I feel okay. Pathetically enough, it's a way I can console myself. But when it's like this and I don't know anything happened until later when someone says "Oh the other day was so much fun when we did blah blah blah...! Wasn't it fun Vy-Anh? ...Oh yeah, you weren't there...I thought you were!", I feel...um...not as great.
Haha, sorry for complaining. I always think that someone shouldn't complain if they're not going to do something about it.
But don't think I'm being hypocritical. I don't usually call myself a hypocrite because often, when I say these negative things about others that in truth apply to myself, I am acknowledging the fact that they DO apply to me.

I mean, I complain but don't do anything about it all the time.
I complain that my heart beats twice as fast and my thoughts run away and my throat closes up when it comes to public speaking or answering questions or guessing, but I don't even try to improve myself in that area I'm so freaked.
I complain about the future and occupations and school and such when I'm lazy and put no effort into working or preparing for those types of things...and I procrastinate.
I complain about my lungs when I don't even do those breathing exercises people always reccomend.
And I complain when I don't get invited places when I never plan anything out and invite people myself...when I sometimes refuse invitations anyway and don't want to bother asking if they're doing anything because I have a fear of inviting myself.

That's okay.

I think about humans...and how the average human won't admit to themself their most obvious flaws. It is very common...almost inevitable to find selfishness in a human. And I admit this fully- I am selfish. Too selfish, most times. I think that people need to better clarify their actions and see the bad things they sometimes blindly do. I know it's unintentional; I'm not speaking to anyone particularly, and I don't blame anyone. It's human. So I think more people should accept their humanity :D
Because I see the things you guys do when you don't. I see what I do when I don't realize it until it's done.
Again with this subject of humans...what silly creatures.

I think I'm off to watch a movie with the family...perhaps I'll continue this post later? Perhaps not.
I'm reading Watchmen right now...and I love how it's hard to stop reading and goes by quickly enough that I feel like I'm making progress...if you guys haven't read a comic book, I highly recommend doing so...it's like watching a movie, but I can assure you- much better.