artificial intelligence and the iron giant.

I just kind of want to cover something before I forget it.
I'll try, but I don't know if I can explain it to it's fullest extent, when it's something I feel so strongly.
Death.
Honestly one of my biggest fears.
When I was little, I watched this movie...what's it called. Wait.
...
A.I. (Artificial Intelligence), directed, produced & co-written by Steven Spielberg.
Have you ever seen it? I don't remember it exactly, but I remember there is a boy, who is a robot/android type thing built with the ability to love, and he spends the whole time searching for a blue fairy, which will help him find his adoptive mother? I don't know. And eventually he is frozen in the ocean for years and years, and by the time he is found and removed, it is by aliens, and humans are completely extinct, and thus his mother doesn't any longer exist. But the aliens tell him they can clone his mother from a hair of her's, which sits on the boy's teddy bear, but the clone won't last permanently. And so a clone is made, and he spends a wonderful day with his "mother", but at the end of the day, they fall asleep, but she never wakes up.
This movie scared me out of my mind.
I started thinking about my mom never waking up, and then myself never waking up. I worried what the boy would do for the rest of eternity, since he would never grow older or die (since he's an android)...and I got so sad and frightened.
I began a routine where I cried every night, worrying that a murderer would break in and kill me. That I would have a heart attack or pulmonary embolism while sleeping...that somehow my death was just around the corner, and everything would be gone.
All my surroundings, my house, my family, my friends.
Emotions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, future, love, everything I knew and cherished and lived for every day...non-existent.
You know how you feel and you can think and be. But do you ever imagine not being? Can you even begin to comprehend the concept of nothing?
Because I've never believed in a heaven or hell or afterlife or reincarnation or things like that. I imagined that once your life is over, it's over. Nothing left. This darkness that immediately takes over. An abyss. The same abyss which consumes your whole when you're sleeping but not dreaming. You know how it is when you're sleeping and not dreaming. Can you imagine that, but lasting forever?
Can you feel what I feel?

*EDIT*

No!
You guys read it before I got to finish it!
I wrote it in Jagtime but then the bell rung....you guys didn't get the full story D:
I hope you come back and reread this!
Anyway!
So yeah Patu, the movie made me cry too D:
I just had a few more things to include.
I think about dying constantly. I worry about dying and it makes me so sad to think that one day I won't have the ability to live anymore. To do and be. And I lay there in bed every night and my heart aches and aches and I roll around trying to get it off my mind, but it's so hard. And lately it's been more frequent and prominent than it has been since I was a little kid. And thus, lately I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I can't imagine that all this. All that I am and have been and will be. All that I've experienced and every day that goes by that I can have the joy of life within me, that one day I won't have that anymore. I won't have anything, even myself. There will be no "I."
From the point I watched A.I. on I complained to my mother constantly that I thought I'd die and what would happen when I did and what if someone else died, then what would I do?
She told me I'd meet them in heaven.
And at some point in the future, I watched "Iron Giant," which you've probably seen? And when the giant dies, the boy's mother (I think) says that death is a part of life. And my mom kept telling me, "See honey, you just have to accept that one day, everyone and every living thing dies."
But I find it very hard to accept.
Or get off my mind.
I'm such a frightened child. ;_;

This really hurts to think of.


But then again.
All this is really selfish. I shouldn't be worried about my own death and wants; but instead of the sake of humanity, the future of the earth and what the ones who will live after me have in store. It is my dream that I can do something for them...so that my life that I lived only to have it taken from me at one point won't have been in vain. So that I could be worth something.
For, as I believe I've stated before, I want to be famous. I think it's useless to have lived if in years after your death, when your children and their children are deceased and there's no one left that knew you while you lived, that at some point in the future, no one will know of you. It will be as if you had never existed. And then what's the point of any of this? If someday, it's all basically worthless.
I need to find a way I can change things, and influence people, and be someone that could be mentioned centuries after my death.
Like George Washington. Or Shakespeare. Alexander the Great. Napolean. These people. Their lives weren't in vain. And neither shall mine be. If I must die at one point, I'm not going through the trouble for nothing.



"To be forgotten is worse than death."