taken heed from everyone.

Take me above your light;
Carry me through the night.
Hold me secure in flight;
Sing me to sleep tonight.





Calvin said since it's the start of a new month, I ought to post a blog.
And last night, I would've, but I was too lazy and tired and my stomach hurt.
Though I knew that if I waited until morning, all the words and emotions I was feeling at the time would be gone by then. And I was right. I don't feel like stating all that anymore.
But I wrote notes down on a piece of paper just in case, so I wouldn't forget.
The paper says (I wrote it in the dark so there's a mistake):

blog tomorrow
getting to angry
close -> vent
irritable
little -> dreams (death)
-> cry
pet peeve:
"chill out"
control
calming drugs
i'm sorry

hahaha, can you figure out what that means? xD
An explanation. Calvin told me that lately, I've been getting too angry, and I don't know, maybe I am. Have you noticed that as well?
So maybe I just need to chill out and relax a bit more. I just worry so much and I freak and then sometimes I worry I don't worry enough. I'm just stressed out and nervous constantly, and I don't even realize it. Because as you probably know, my hands are always cold? Sam looked it up and said it could be related to stress, and my mom said the same, plus that I was too nervous. But I don't feel stressed or nervous, so somehow, I think I am sub-consciously. My mind doesn't know it but my body does.
And maybe I'm just making up excuses but what I think is that well, the truth is that I've always been irritable. That I'm always getting angry inside my own mind. You might not believe it, but I can get so mad, but I can hide it. I used to not let anyone know when I was in a bad mood, nonetheless when I was angry. And I think it could be that being close [one of the words i wrote down] to Calvin lets me vent more to him, so he sees that angry side of me now, which is why he thinks I'm getting angry a lot more lately, when it's really not lately at all. It's always been.
Oh, and ever since 6th grade I've hated it when people tell me to chill out. I know it's true, I know I need to just control myself, but I think I might have some minor self-control issues.
Which is why I wrote down the drugs thing; I'd love to try some medicine or something that would just like knock me out.
Because sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Because sometimes I just want to melt into the walls and the floor and all my surroundings.
To evaporate.
So I won't have to deal with life anymore.
Drugs made me think about the psychiatrist, and I've always dreamed of having a psychiatrist, being tested for disorders and syndromes, possibly have my dreams screened, so I could have a clue what they mean.
Speaking of dreams, lately I've been having this one where I'm stuck with a ton of my friends inside this abandoned school, and there's no doors out, and the only way to escape is to go through this crazy maze. It starts in the cafeteria kitchen, and there are no lights on in the school whatsoever, so it's almost pitch dark and there are these two secret passageway doors that lead to this frenzy of fiery paths crossing each other every which way and there are trains speeding by down some of them, and we must make our way through the whole thing. It's sort of like a video game, and we keep getting hit by trains, but we have infinite lives. Some of us are splitting up to find different ways out, but I remain here, dying again and again, and I can't even pass this first stage, and it's scary.
It's one of my more normal ones, more easy to analyze. At least, I think I know what it means.
Also, Tom said I've been acting just like Samantha.
And this isn't what I want, I want to go back to normal. Back to being me.
I've been cursing too much, I've been too happy, but yet too angry?
Damnit, there's another thing. I realize that I seem to be so multi-faceted. I can have a terrible memory, but the best memory when it comes to birthdays. People know me as quiet, yet they're always telling me to shut up. I'm known for never being mad, yet I think I'm much more irritable than irritating. I bottle up my emotions, but I love blogging and writing poetry. I'm not musically inclined as in I don't play instruments, but I try to play the guitar and I can sing alright. I hate it when people will aim a camera at me but I camera whore all the time [but you didn't know that, unless you're Sam or Erin or Kes or Calvin..]. I'm always feeling so contradictory, because if I say one thing about myself, it's always a case where I've said the exact opposite at another point in time. Like I'm always giving and giving, but then again I constantly take.

Calvin said I just need a day off.

But I don't know.
I'm sort of tired of everyone around me at the moment. <- I always have phases where I feel this way. Fuck all of you. :D Don't take it seriously, haha...though I do need to stop cursing, because I remember myself never ever cursing whatsoever, and suddenly it seems to just spill out.
What happened to you, Vy-Anh?

If all this is true, if you think I'm getting angry too, I'm so sorry. If you see me and feel about me the same way I see myself and feel about myself, I'm so sorry. I'm such a burden.




Relax.

Calvin Lin Trend: This is where the fifth and sixth lines I wrote down come in.
Around the ages of 5-7, I constantly thought about and over-analyzed death at night, while I layed in bed. I worried about what would happen to me and how terrible it'd be never to feel again, never to experience any of the wonders of life again; how everything I knew and loved could just vanish. My time felt so limited; that once I died, the rest of eternity would be spent asleep, and in no dream. Gone.
Then, I'd worry that my death was coming at any moment. In just a few minutes, a murderer would walk through my door, or the next day I'd cross the street and car would hit me. I was so convinced I was about to die. I'd freak out and cry and weep until I ran to my mother and told her of my thoughts and she'd order me never to think about death.
But I didn't listen.