could this be out of line?

Oh no,
This couldn't be more unexpected.
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow.
Don't let it throw you off too far,
`Cause I'll be running right behind you.




Boo hoo. I break down too easily -_-
Fucking Tom. xD
Doesn't show up for months and all of a sudden he sneaks up on me >:|

And I feel I might be complaining too much.
Two days in a row I cry? Rahh. I just felt so tired today, it was like two sets of six laps which is more like twelve consecutive laps and I'm just so weak and I don't have the endurance or stamina and I start hypervenilating and sinking and I feel like I'm not good enough for swim and it feels terrible.
I think about just quitting, because I'm probably like the third to worst swimmer xD
And I get so sore...but I need to stop complaininglsdgksadhg
Other people handle it.
Then again, swim is one of the hardest sports...


Anyway!
I was reading up on some of my old diary entries, and the endings I write? Genius.
Yay for arrogance :D
After reading one of my whole speils on a subject, a day, or thoughts...the way I conclude them is beast, in my opinion. It sums the whole thing up so well that it sends chills down my spine. There could be no better last word.
Care to take a listen?
Or a view? Haha.
If you're Sam or Calvin, this might be a bit of a bore. :D

The first entry I ever wrote in one of my diaries ended like this;
-"If I don't remember it, it obviously wasn't worth remembering."
Not a fantastic one or anything, just wanted to note the first one. That was on March 19, 2007. Over a year ago. Remember my diaries continue all the way until this very day.

And now I'll only include my best.
-"If only they knew how much it hurts."
-"And I thought of all the people that have told me they'd die for me, and I broke down weeping."
-"The smell of tears on mahogany."
-"Why did God [if he exists] have to choose this dreadful decade..."
-"My failed attempts to hide my tears from my parents are increasing. I want to be happy. Or at least appear so."
-"How do people stand it?"
-"I think every word I've read Andy [Warhol] say is right on target. He captures life so perfectly, in every aspect possible."
-"Most artists are misunderstood, lonely, and a bit, well, weird. I'm not as much, but I want to be. Odd aspirations, wouldn't you agree? Now, I don't have any idea what to paint."
-"It's funny how easily things change."
-"I just saw a commercial that said, 'Next time someone asks you what's up, tell them.' I think I just might do that."
-"I'm lazy, clumsy, slow, disorganized, forgetful, and all in all, a terrible person, and even more horrible friend."
-"I don't look for anything; I'll let it come straight to me."
-"So many regrets-"
-"And then he said, 'You know, you look really nice tonight.' and for some reason, it scared me."
-"I'm a fucking contradiction to myself."
-"I don't care how mean that is; it's the truth."
-"Oh well, I'm drowning in self-pity."
-"People ask me why I have bangs; do you want to know the truth?" I hate my face."
-"I love the bed [in Texas]. I lay on it & stare at the ceiling fan for minutes, and imagine I'm on an abandoned raft at sea, and I let myself drift away..."
-"Anyway, the days grow longer, and time passes slower than ever, but once it's past, I can't remember a thing [this still happens :O]. At times, I stare out my window at the vast, drowsy, grey skies and I feel as if I'm slowly wasting away..."
-"Dear Lord, what's wrong with me?"
-"All those starving artists; the ones who are looked down upon, the ones who suffer from reality; what possible drive is there for them to cast such a curse upon themselves? Because no matter how much they have to go through, the truth is, making art, doing art; it's what they love."
-"When you're so upset that you feel like you've never been happy; you forget what it's like. And I keep thinking to myself, 'no one knows what this feels like...'"
-"Suicide sound so great sometimes, and I wouldn't even have to watch the ones I love suffer, because I'd be dead.
[Sometimes I think I'd like to see them suffer;
that's how crazy I am.]"
-"I'm just tired of where I'm at and who I am. So sick of all that surrounds me. Like there's something missing. Like myself is missing from me. Hopeless, worthless piece of shit."
-"Maybe I should call Calvin." hahaha, that's just for you, calvin
-"I need to be loud. I need to be brave. And I can't be.
So let me die."
-"Something to feel good about. Take off some of this guilt."
-"I need something to happen soon, before my feelings vanish.
For they're already beginning to fade..."
-"But I don't want to endure this any longer.
I must do something.
So afraid..."
-"I will not lose my best friend with such ease.
I refuse to."
-"Hopefully,
all will be fixed.
Love Always,
VNguyen." [my signature]

and that's the end of journal #1 :D



The last words of my first entry in the newer journal, 6/2/08:
-"I will kill myself if I never feel normal again."

others:
-"I always think everyone hates me. Not because they're hateful or scary people, but because I see so much in myself to hate."
-"Everything is really beginning to scare me."
-"Ah so right now, Calvin's mad at me,
and I miss -insert name here-...
I feel quite lonely."
-"I want someone to be there for me, all the time. I feel like these two songs:
Wouldn't it be Nice - The Beach Boys
Welcome to my Life - Simple Plan.
I feel bipolar. And I feel trapped."
-"I believe I am such a great actress,
because nobody knows what goes on inside my head,
even if they think they do.
They don't."
-"I need confidence. Strength. Courage. Bravery. Esteem. Assurance. Belief.
I need everyone to know who I am.
Because only Calvin does."
-"FACT: Every night, as I lay myself down to sleep,
I pray I won't awaken the next morning."
-"I think regardless of how you display yourself, that everyone is a hopeless romantic deep inside. I don't want any Prince Charming,
but I could use that happy ending."
-"I'm starting to cry a lot lately, like last year.
OH DEAR."
-"How am I so lucky?
Oh, -insert name here-.
Oh my."
-"So, how are you, Vy-Anh?
Never better."
-"'Lucky as fuck,' as Michael put it." hahaha xD
-"I miss Chase inexplicably.
I realized how much I love and want my mother back. I miss everything she does for me.
And I can hardly survive without my friends.
I just want to go home. To be home." [while I was in Texas]
-"For now, I'm pretty much non-existent. For now, I'm going to disappear.
For now, I have no life."
-"When you have a low self-esteem,
the smallest criticism becomes huge."
-"And a major blow to my self-esteem."
-"I don't like him, and if I give him the chance, I know I'll only end up hurting him again.
And I can't bear that."

^That last one is what's going on right now....sigh. What to do, what to do.

Some of the words I've written bring tears to my eyes, though...



CLT: I dream of being British. I try, too. Like I used the term "knickers" once in my diary. That's what the British say rather than "underwear" or "panties," if you weren't aware. Also, I use "bugger" and "arse", in my head. I never say it out loud though. I also prefer writing/typing "grey", "colour" and things like that. I say pants with a British accent, along with saying pe-CON, and EYE-ther, rather than pe-CAN and EEE-ther.
I wish I could describe things as bloody.
But must of all, I wish I could say ", love" at the end of my sentences.
For example...
"Good night, love."
Fortunately, I can use that phrase with Calvin :)

WE SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO CALL ONE ANOTHER LOVEEEEE!