a willow tree who's tears didn't care.

I'm a war of head vs. heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak;
My heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say.





Again, feeling up and down.
Black Friday was very back and forth.

-Sam called and woke me up at 7ish.
-I went to Tysons around 8/8:30ish with Sam, Calvin and Jansen, I think? And we bumped into Kesiree, Bruna, Molly, Erin and Ky-Tran, and then Melissa, and quite a few other people.
-Didn't buy much...just a gift for Kesiree and what I thought would be Calvin's gift...but not anymore, because he saw it, so I'll have to get him something else, bwahaha :)
[note: i don't see why people refuse christmas gifts...if christmas is a time of giving.]
-I also met these two guys named Will and D? Funny people...but I don't think they really noticed me. I hate it when my friends hang out with people I don't know [and this includes all of my friends, because all of you do this on occasion], because I feel like if they even have acknowledged my existance at all, they hate me...and it's just weird for me to be there and I can't do anything. No words, not until they're gone. This is the reason why I'm so bad at making friends, is because I can't talk to anyone but the people I know. And I never get to know people unless I'm introduced to them, or they begin speaking to me, first. It does sound bitchy to complain about not making friends when I'm not making the effort, I know, but I'm not complaining about that. I'm complaining about myself. Stupid, shy, fucking fearful me.
-Anyway, when I purchased some of the gifts, I was thinking I should return one but I have no idea why I was stupid enough to throw away the receipt right after I got it..? ><
-Then, I got very upset for some reason, on the bus, when people started saying I looked tired or sad and such -_- and then even more upset when I lost my transfer and had to borrow change from Calvin, and then he saw his present sdfhhlkufytsrxchdklghasowelg
-So I just wasn't in the mood to listen to them having fun and laughing and then they went out for Pho and I wasn't hungry, since Kesiree had given me some salmon pasta :D
-Afterwards, we headed to Tom's, and I still felt really bad because all day, Calvin was hiding the singstar game he bought from all of us, and I still see no reason why, and then he wouldn't take it out, even after I asked him, "Don't you want to play it?" and he said yes.
-They ended up forcing it out of his pants, and he's making me feel guilty for not stopping them, and then I feel even more guilty when he's refusing to sing, while I AM singing...
-I felt like I was using his game and hogging it from him or something...but I kept giving the mic to him, and he just turned around and brooded and acted, well, dead. I would've chipped in if I didn't have anything other than twenties, though.
-Well things kept going wrong, untillll...
-Calvin suggested we play Pictionary, which was a lot of fun, and my teams won both rounds :D
-And then Tom suggested we play charades, which was even more fun, with all the crazy hard words they made..xD
-Aside from the word "nigger", which Calvin thought of, and Amy declared vulgar and that she would never guess that word because she would never use it, which is true. The room just tensed up and was akward for a few seconds.
-Well, we continued anyway...I took videos :D But I got the harder words...like nigger, and nincompoop, and Tom. XD
-Before we left, we played uh, what.. I think they called titdy? tag in the dark yo? I don't know. Chinese tag, or something....which was also, very, very fun.
-Calvin, Tina and I went home with Samantha, and we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show...or some of it, until everyone but Tina fell asleep. Poor Tina! xD She was seated in the middle of the couch and Sam fell asleep on her shoulder, and Calvin fell asleep on her lap...so she couldn't really move and I felt bad for her. x]
-Eventually, Sam slept on the floor though. And eventually, I had to leave.

So like I said, ups and downs and ups and downs.........-_-
And everytime I think about the ups and downs concept, I can't help but think of that freaking F in history, god damn it.

I wanted to practice with the swim team today, but I realized I can't because I have to watch my brother until 3 when my mother gets back from work, and they're going at 1, grrrr.
Why Saturdays?
But I think I'll go to Sam's later tonight and watch movies and possibly have more fun? ;D



On another note, I try very hard to be considerate, and thoughtful. And I wonder sometimes if people realize it. I wonder a lot, really. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, and it's probably because I really want someone to see it. The way I bake and bring so much food to school, and give some to everyone, even people I don't know...and the ones that I do know, sometimes won't even acknowledge me. For example, Francisco, I almost always try to save a piece of whatever I bake for Francisco, but yesterday, we bumped into him at the mall and he didn't even say hi to me when I waved to him, but he said hi to the others. Later, after bumping into him again, he talked to me a bit, though.
Maybe I'm not as thoughtful as I think, but I remember everyone's birthdays, and I remember that on my own birthday, many, many people didn't remember mine. I almost always buy people gifts if they have parties, and especially on christmas.
Honestly; very, very honestly, I really do believe that I go out of my way a lot to help others, but I get nothing in return. My mom always complains that that happens to her. She doesn't know it, but I feel the same way. Maybe it's a trait I get it from her.
I should have so many karma points.
I buy people things when they're broke or need money.
In fact, lend money to people I've never even seen before!
I donate all my old clothes and movies to the homeless or orphanages.
I let people cheat and copy off of me.
I help people if they ask for it; I do favors.
I feel like I'm never going to stop feeling like a pushover.

Calvin and I made this bet, that if I didn't see him scratch his eczema, that I wouldn't play any stripping games on Friday. He didn't want me to. And it was a stupid bet, I know, since it was obvious he'd win, since I'd barely see him until Friday. But that's not what mattered to me. I just, I really care about his health and well-being and stuff, and I just wanted to see the rash go away, and for him not to bleed or be bothered by it. But he didn't listen to me anyway, and scratched it while I wasn't there.
And now it's only so much worse.
I don't understand a lot of my friends, these days, who won't do what they so easily can to help themselves, better themselves. Helping yourself may sound selfish to you, but it's never selfish as long as it does no harm to anyone else.
Not irritating your eczema, Calvin, won't hurt at all. It will only make the process in which it will fade faster.
In fact, it'll probably hurt your friends less, when they don't have to watch you cause yourself more harm.
I care about you, and so I want you to stop it.
But you don't listen to me.

This also goes for Sam, who will wear jeans covered in holes and no jacket on a day when it's thirty-some degrees outside.
Another thing that could so easily be helped, but you guys refuse these solutions.
And only end up causing more and more destruction towards yourselves.

Just stop it, please.


God.
Damnit.





CLT: My favorite part about holidays is telling other people to have a happy, merry, or good one. And receiving these kind words in return, when I do. :) Keep in mind that I'd rather get a card and no present that a present with no card! This is because cards have words, which have meaning. Material objects have no meaning. [I'm mentioning this because I know some people have already bought me gifts and I want them to remember a card over a gift! ldshglasd]