every little piece, love.

& when you find
verything you've looked for,
I hope your life
leads you back to my front door.



Is it normal to worry that everyone talks about you behind your back, but you have no idea they're doing so?
I bet they do.
I know some have.

I hope terribly that people trust me and feel they can come to me when they need anything. I think I'm pretty trustworthy. Am I trustworthy? Maybe not. Hmmm.
Because, to me, and I put major emphasis on the "to me", because plenty of people probably won't agree.
To me, being nice and generous, giving and donating, helping others, being there for them, basically doing anything I can for the good of anyone else- that is the greatest satisfaction I know.
Like baking and giving my food to others.
Or buying someone a nice present, making them a good CD, writing them a well-made card or poem or anything like that. I'm just so incredibly ecstatic afterward.
That's why my favorite holiday is Christmas, because I am absolutely head over heels for the immense gift-giving that goes on. I love going Christmas shopping, deciding what to get people, and giving them all out once the day arrives...all this stuff I'm mentioning makes me just so happy. I don't know how to explain it anymore.
But sometimes I don't do this anyway. Sometimes I just end up taking what I can. Which is bad. But I'm only human. I think my intentions are pretty good though, I'd love to help you.
I can't imagine how great it'd feel to help, let's say, the world. What can I do to change the world?
What will I do to change the world?

I want to change the world.
[instead, I sleep...]

but Earvin thinks no human can change the world.
I disagree.
Highly.


Even more lately, I can't understand the concept of procrastination. If one had nothing to do, nothing at all, but were aware of things they should do, wouldn't they resort to finishing these tasks instead of wallowing in boredom and self-pity? APPARENTLY NOT. Why won't I just do my homework instead of sitting around killing precious time? I just. can't. will. myself. Who knows why. I'm sure I'm physically able to, but mentally? Perhaps not. There's really no reason to put off these things until the last moment. Why do we do this to ourselves? xD

My stomach hurts.
So lately, every time I laugh, something pangs. Even on occasion, breathing in too deeply hurts too. Sometimes it's down in the area of my abdomen, and others, where I think my heart is located, or my lungs. I wonder if this happens to everyone, and I'm just too weak to take it or full of complaint.
I wonder if anyone notices when I say "ow" when this happens, or stop breathing for a while, or pause in my actions and go blank from the pain...because this happened like three or four times today, but no one noticed.
I wonder if people remember me, because there have been so many people I get slightly acquainted with that don't recognize me in the least the next time we meet.
And you know, I'm sort of known to know everyone's birthday, but on my own birthday, about a third of my friends didn't even have a clue that the day had any other meaning than just some other Wednesday. This hurts, though insignificant, it has a lot of meaning to me, because I love birthdays. I consider them more important than most people do.
Mostly, I wonder what it is that I don't know.
What aren't you guys telling me?

I shouldn't expect so much, I know, but it's just, disappointment comes a lot easier than satisfaction.

Don't worry though, I'm feeling content enough with life at the moment. Sort of carefree.
`Cept for one certain person that's been getting on my last nerves, constantly making me feel like shit, or just a complete idiot, and insulting me. But maybe this is because I deserve it.


The whole above rant can be my Calvin Lin Trend Fact for the day. xD
I'm sure you didn't know all that...right?




Coming Home - The 88
^different, but I love these humble little folk-esque tunes with the perky acoustic guitar or choppy piano notes and the guy-whose-face-you-can't-imagine's sweet voice releasing those cute little lyrics. And of course, the la-la-la-ing or na-na-na-ing or pretty much just the plain ol' element of cheering people.
other examples of these types of songs include,
Hold Me Now - The Polyphonic Spree
Eyes - Rogue Wave
Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
You know what I mean? They all fit in the same category. So, stuff them in a box together and devour it.

the answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
How many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
How many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?




So I'm thinking about becoming Buddhist.
Though I don't consider Buddhism a religion, more of just a lifestyle or philosophy. Like Confucianism or Taoism [which is amazing, too]. Because you don't have any real viewpoint on dieties [if you're Theravada, that is].
Because suddenly I realize Buddhism makes so much sense.
Of course selfish desire causes sorrow.
and doing the following [The Eightfold Path] could only be enlightening:
-Know the truth.
-Say nothing to hurt others.
-Practice meditation.
-Control your thoughts.
-Resist evil.
-Free your mind of evil.
-Work for the good of others.
-Respect life.
*bolded=need to work on

I went to the mall the other day to buy a shirt with food on it [for matching day with my bffs], and I was trying to resist selfish desire. I ended up only buying this shirt [which had a purpose], a book [reading isn't selfish, right? xD], and a gift for Anna :]
So many nice things I saw, but I limited myself. I stopped my excessive wanting. Though I DID fall in love with these two jackets from Urban Outfitters and from Delia's.


Oh and I saw this that I wished I could've gotten Vincent, but unfortunately it obviously wouldn't fit him xD
But it's such a cute shirt!


Anyway!
Enough of my fashion ranting.

School's not too bad so far. Pretty busy, but not too stressed. Some days, yes.
With AP World History and PreAP English. Practicing the VSA dance. Working on my French project. Volunteering for community service. Staying after to help Mr. Watson on the mural. Catching up or remaking work. And reviews.
Plus time for fun, of course? I don't know what we're doing for homecoming. But I'm probably going to all the home football games [have so far] and there's musical nights and other stuff.
And I don't even play an instrument/sport -_-
But I think I'm doing swim with Leah & Cristian in the winter! :D

So now I'm off to study for an AP WH test tomorrow, until 9 when I can watch the new Project Runway<3

I'm in a really good mood lately [or at least at the moment], though it may not seem like it.

The Calvin Lin Trend:
Each time someone tells me to be more hyper or happy, to have more fun, that I seem/look too tired or sad, I feel like crying.
I don't mean to. I'm trying not to be the way I am in front of people. I break down and freak out and everything inside decides to leave me for a while. My heart hurts and my mind feels like it's swelling and my throat aches.




Bruises - Chairlift
^ from the new iPod nano commercial? Take a listen if you don't know it :D

JONAH.

How many lives will we take?
How many hearts destined to break?
Nowhere to run, can't escape;
Full of ourselves, tied to our fate.
The end is knocking.



Yesterday particularly, I found many people reading my blog. Like did you know Marc and Jonah check it all the time just to see if I've stated their names at all? xD And Jonah told me to put his name in, so he could rub it in Marc's face, but I'd forgotten until now. So there, this post is titled Jonah :D
Jonah said they read it only to find their names, but I know he reads some, because he asks me about certain things I write about.
And of course Calvin's always telling me to update it, but yesterday Erin told me to, too :] And then Kes sent me a facebook message saying she'd spent 2 1/2 hours reading all my blogs xD And Vincent left a comment, along with Melissa and Kevin mentioning comments they had about my blog to me over AIM.
It's quite odd.
Yay for friends?

I haven't and won't take my normal bus home all week -_-
I missed it twice, stayed after on Monday, am staying after tomorrow & going to Sam's on Friday to watch West Side Story. Yay for musicals!
On Saturday, I plan to bake tiramisu for Samantha's mother :D and I finally get a new phone!
Then possibly shopping for matching clothing on Sunday @ the mall?
ah, yay for life<3 [which is kinda sorta back to normal for me~]

I just clipped my nails to play the guitar xD Hm...I wish I could play better. Maybe I'll take guitar like, senior year or something. Too bad I'm so not musically inclined. I wish. -_-

There's nothing really to say, and that's why I don't make too many posts, you guys! I fear I'll bore you. Don't you agree this seems boring?
Because lately, life's just been about getting through each of my days without falling asleep, and surviving these recent physical pains & lack of food/sleep. I've been having a lot of headaches that make me unable to make large movements and my lungs/diaphragm/stomach/intestines/heart/idk have been through a lot of stabbing pangs lately. Especially when I breathe deep, laugh or sing.
Lately, everything has been boring and dull. So routine, that I don't recall anything that occurs anymore, even only a few moments after it happens. The day is merely a vague blur, that vanishes as it comes. I should write a poem about this. I'll get to it later.
There it is; procrastination! I've been procrastinating way too much lately. It's not like I have anything better to do, and no matter how many times I tell myself I'll start early to get it over with, I automatically put it off until it's so late that by the time I finish there's no time for the sleep I so desperately long for. It's like I can't even help it. I need more willpower! I need to make myself more useful. Start living, instead of wasting away doing things that will get me nowhere, like, I don't know, BLOGGING?!

GOOD BYE.

Well, as always, I am forced to clean my room, AGAIN. I need to start keeping organized & clean. I end up cleaning almost a few times a week -_- And my mom won't let me go out unless she can see the floor~
xD

the calvin lin trend:
i'd do nearly anything to not be allergic to cats.



Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
Thank you Tiff for some of the best music suggestions ever :D

can't take this feeling anymore.

Drain the pressure from the swelling;
This sensation's overwhelming.
Give me a long kiss goodnight,
& everything will be alright.
Tell me that I won't feel a thing.



Don't you hate messes?
and drama?
Sometimes, I wish that everyone could just have one person they love, that they're perfect with, and that one person loved them back, and they found each other as soon as possible and lasted eternally.
Instead of the complications and setbacks of dating [waste of time], and divorces and break ups and new loves and heartache and heartbreaks and yearning and all that.
Doesn't everyone think of that?
Possibly hope for it, like me?
Maybe you like variety or something, but I'm thinking of a love that is so strong, that you don't need anything else.
So perfect.
Because all this is such a mess sometimes.
So here [these are real current situations]:

1.) A likes B, but B doesn't like A back, B likes C.
But C doesn't like B back either, C likes D.

2.) E and F like G, but G doesn't like E and F back.
G likes H, but H doesn't like G back.

and therefore, nobody gets what they want.
I don't know if that made any sense to you.
But oh, what a tangled web we weave~

Why must humans insist on continuously longing for what they can't have?

Of course, there ARE the happy couples, like Anna and Daniel, or Tiff and Jeremiah, or Liz and Jesse [I can say their names only because I don't think they mind, whereas A-H might xD]
And they're very lucky.
Sometimes I wish I had that. :\
I haven't for quite a while.

Oh, and you know what I noticed? Love "triangles" must always include at least one gay person [or else it wouldn't be a triangle]. Hahaha.


So I was looking at pictures of me from 6th grade,
and GOD do I need to lose weight xD
I look so cute skinny!
imo.
:D
how conceited. :D

Anyway!
Not much to say.
Just haven't posted a blog in a while.
Scared about my grades -_-
Already..
AP & PreAP are harder than I imagined.
Everything is.

All I want to do lately is sing my heart out and watch musicals all day.
With my best friends :]

And like, leave this all behind or something. It's tiring.

Calvin Lin Trend: I hate spending time with my family other than my mom and brother. I really do. Seriously. Maybe not because I don't like them, more like I can't talk to them. I just can't. It's so difficult that it hurts inside [tear-worthy hurt]. Anyone out of my age group in general, it aches to speak to, no joke.
Both physically and emotionally.


Can't Let Go - Landon Pigg
^Don't you just love him?

so, can you get me out of here?

I'm playing the role
Of a happy girl, but no one knows
Inside I'm alone,
But I would never let it show.



I only post blogs for calvin!
As in, if he didn't exist, I'd totally delete this. [but save all I've written first!]
Or at least I wouldn't post so many blogs.
But he does exist, so I don't delete this. And therefore, I haven't written in my journal in AGES.
Though I should!
-_-

Well, Kevin also tells me to update sometimes, too xD

Lately I've gotten way too moody and worked up over things that I shouldn't. Not PMS, thank you very much. I rarely get my period anymore. It's rather unhealthy, I think. -____- Then again, judging by all my symptoms, one would assume I'm pretty unhealthy. I mean, I think so. But I drink so much tea and don't eat meat and never use medicine and hate things that are too sweet and prevent myself from eating candy other than gum! ;_;
Shouldn't I be healthy?!
Anyway, about the moody thing. I keep getting stressed and loud for no reason, and I just ALWAYS do that, and I get so mad at myself for it [which sucks, because I'm basically just getting frustrated over being frustrated].
So, my new goal for this year: MELLOW OUT.

I love doing favors for people :]
It makes me feel great.
Also, if you didn't read my profile, my favorite feeling is that I get when I know I've given a good recommendation/suggestion. :D
like Tiff says she loves all the books I've suggested her [A Long Way Down, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Nick Hornby, Chuck Palahniuk, etc.]
and Kevin said he thought Running with Scissors, which I told him he should read, was a really good book.
and I made a few people watch the movies Wristcutters, Loveactually, and Charlie Bartlett and they all liked them !
I love that.
And you all probably knew that I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE SINGING.
love love love.
loooooooooooooooooooooove.
:]
Oh, since Calvin already knows this, I won't put this as my "fact you didn't know", but just so everyone else knows, I often find myself oddly attracted to homosexual guys -__________-
Which,
A.) is VERY weird. and creepy D: [and yes, if I've liked you, you can take that in offense, maybe it means you're too feminine ;D ...but yes, usually I like more feminine guys -_-]
B.) SUCKS, because if I continue to like gay dudes, I'd never be able to have any of them?!
C.) DOES NOT mean I like girls, as Calvin brought up as a possibility! Because I can't stand girls most of the time! Way too drama-prone and bitchy. I get along MUCH better with guys [considering my best friends a male..?], and not ever in my lifetime could be attracted to a girl, trust me >:|
examples [these are only celebrities]: Daniel Vosovic [so hotttt ;_;], Austin Scarlett [not hot, but I LOOOOVE his personality with a passion], and Mika [also extremely hot!].
But I'm thinking, maybe this is only because hot guys = gay or gay guys = hot. Usually. -_- Darn. What a waste, my mother always says. xD

fact you didn't know about me: As long as I can remember, I've never gotten a balloon on my birthday. Also, I love love love getting cards. Love them most out of any gift you could get me. I'd rather get a card and no gift than a gift with no card, very very honestly.

Two more days until "the big 1-5", as Kevin said :P
So younggg ;_;



The Sound of Music - The Sound of Music [Julie Andrews]
^this always gets stuck in my head when musicals come to mind.