miss you tonight.

& I don't want the world to see me,
`cause I don't think that they'd understand.

that's probably one of my favorite set of lyrics in the world.


My birthday's coming up this Wednesday! Finally 15! dslahlalkd
I don't feel like doing anything special for it though. I don't think I deserve it this year.
But people keep asking what I want, so I'll list stuff here so I can remember :]
-HATS. I LOVE HATS.
-OR SCARVES. <3
-any other accessories, like jewelry or leg/arm warmers, work too (:
-iPod case [i have a black 80 gb classic]
-camera case [I'm pretty sure you've all seen my camera]
-one of those hot/cold cups? I don't know what you call them. canisters? they usually hold like tea or coffee. I had one last year that i brought to schoool.
-pins! or a pinmaker?
-giftcards? [any art supply stores, Border's/Barne's&Noble's, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, H&M, Delia's, Starbucks, whatever.]
-baking cookbook?
-sketchbooks?
-arizona green tea..? :D
-anything Beatles related, I supposee
-whatever you think I'd like? I think I trust your taste~
They're not too specific, as you can see. You don't have to get me anything, of course. But I do like gifts. :D
Though I USUALLY hate surprises.

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately.
Fashion Designer? Author? Journalist? Psychiatrist? Baker?
?!?!
Well, I'm taking fashion design, psychology and journalism next year, to figure out which I like best.
And from there, we'll see what I'll become :]
I'm so afraid of not becoming famous, because I always think, if I end up just some other stay-at-home-housewife, then in a hundred years or so, after I die, and after everyone I was associated with dies, no one will remember me. It'll be as if I never existed. And what's the point in existing at all, if one day, it'll seem I hadn't. I need to contribute and put my mark on the world. You know, that phrase- "To be forgotten is worse than death." And how true, that I'm so much more frightened of being lost in history, like so many other people have been, than I am of dying.
I have been sketching out a lot of garment designs lately, though. I think I'll compile a portfolio, in case I do decide to major in fashion, then I'll actually have something nice for my resume.

fact you didn't know about me: The strongest of my 5 senses is my taste :D

Fly Away - Lenny Kravitz
flyyy awayyyyyy.

suddenly, my life doesn't seem such a waste.

And there's no mountain to high,
no river too wide.
Sing out this song,
and I'll be there by your side.
Storm clouds may gather & stars may collide.



Drinking green tea ginger ale. Tasty.

Today I was healthy :)
I had my first meal before 3 PM so far this school year, and also finally took a nice nap. Because lately the most sleep I've gotten a night [excluding weekends] has been five hours, which isn't even the average amount a person needs to get per night. I've stayed up all night other days, or gotten only three or four because I've woken up early to finish the homework I can't keep from procrastinating on.
Sam brought me a waffle in the morning, and a peanut butter & banana sandwich for lunch :) Thank you, Sam. That was honestly very nice.
So my birthday's next week, and people have been asking me what I want, but I don't know. And I don't care. Don't get me anything? I'm trying to be less selfish, because I'm too selfish. Cristian told me to bake brownies. I said, "for MY OWN birthday?" and he said yes. So I guess I will.
My current favorite movies are probably Rent and Tokyo Godfathers, even though I've only seen either once.
Oh yes, and if I haven't told you myself, my mom gave Chase away :\ She said she was tired of his shedding and smelling and a few times doing his business in the house~
Fortunately, the family who took him in live near, so I can visit whenever. I really miss him. I was crying all day, that day. Like serious hours of bawling and hyperventilating. And each time he comes to mind I have to breathe in deeply and heavily a few times again.
Today in AP World History, we had a Socratic Seminar, and God- I hate them. So much. Today was actually the first day I said anything in one. We had them all last year in English, but I never got any credit cause I never said anything. But this year, I'm trying to get good grades, so I have to. Calvin and Sasmit and others kept encouraging me to speak, and I told Calvin I was trying, but he was all IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT.
But I was. I was trying to gain the courage to speak. It sounds lame and melodramatic, I know, but it couldn't be more true. Each time I thought of something I could say, right before I attempted to raise my hand, my heart would start beating really fast, and I could hear it pounding, feel it beating in my chest. And then I'd get really tense and blink rapidly or breathe deeply, trying to relax. It really isn't a big deal, participation. I think I have a serious problem/fear, and I asked my mom if maybe I could get a doctor to help me with it? She told me it's all in my head, so I'm trying to convince myself so too, because if it is, it could be easier to get over. I guess in truth, all fears are just in the person's head, hm? I'm so afraid. I'm tired of it.
We have 45 min. in class writing next class, and people starting moaning and groaning in complaint, but in all honesty, I'd rather write a ten page essay than have had to participate twice in that Socratic Seminar. Luckily, I did get to say something. Though it wasn't much. It wasn't really much of a statement, but it's half credit, right? Eh...
Jason stole Ice Bat yesterday, and I thought he'd give him back, but this morning he said Reggie has him. When I asked Reggie where he was, Reggie said Jason still had him, and that Jason and Vincent ripped his wing/arm off. I then went over and hit Jason on the shoulder [There goes pacifist Vy-Anh? Well, it's not like it was painful.] and he said that Reggie really did take him, that he was fine, but Puck was in pieces. Reggie made this appalled face, and Jason was all, "That's what you get for making me get slapped!" and I said, "Yeah, and that's what you get for lying!" But then Reggie told me once again that Ice Bat really had been torn apart. :\
I don't know what to believe, but if he is injured, how could they..? ;_; And what about Puck, too?! Grr.

So, life's okay. Dull. Tiring. Bearable. The usual?

Calvin: She [Tiff] wrote a "something you didn't know"! I'm starting a trend!
Me: Do you want me to write one?
Calvin: YES! EVERYONE SHOULD WRITE ONE! I'll start too!

So, Tiff's was about Vinh and others calling her "hot", and well, I get called "hot" a lot, but me, I really don't like being called so. Beautiful's a much more meaningful word, considering that it actually means what's intended. xD
& I've only ever been called "beautiful" by three people. Who are Calvin, Michael and Earvin. =]



I'll Cover You - Rent Soundtrack
^ more musical songs stuck in my head! I loooooove this one.

no matter which way you go,

You're out of my mind,
out of my mind.
I was walking with a ghost-
I said, "Please, please don't exist."



Okay so yesterday, Napoliello [am I even spelling her name right? hahaha] gives us one of the hardest assignments I've probably ever gotten.

She gives us all an index card and says, "On it, I want you to write..." and she writes on the chalkboard:
-Your name
-Favorite word
So I did this. I wrote "obituary," because it was the first world that started me off in collecting my favorite words. I also like kiosk and extraordinaire. But I hate the word pinnacle. xD I don't like obituary for it's meaning, but I love saying it out loud. It was the first word I really liked, and a month or so after I decided I liked it, I watched Factory Girl, which is a movie about Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick, a model/icon he used for his movies & photography and as inspiration. I enjoyed it, and at the end there's a little clip, where Andy and Edie say:

Andy: I wonder if people are gonna remember us.
Edie: What, when we're dead?
Andy: Yeah.
Edie: I think people will talk about how you changed the world.
Andy: I wonder what they'll say about you...in your obituary. I like that word.
Edie: Nothing nice, I don't think.
Andy: No, no- c'mon. They'll say: Edie Minturn Sedgwick, beautiful artist and actress...
Edie: ...and all around the loon...
Andy: ...remembered for setting the world on fire...
Edie: ...escaping the clutches of her terrifying family...
Andy: ...made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody...
Edie: ...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. *laughs* ...That's nice, isn't it?

It gave me the chills. You can watch it, if you want: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VC8Y2kwFtL0
And I fell in love with the fact that Andy said he likes the world obituary too :)
It's like the perfect scene. I love the music. I watched it over and over again.

So anyway, after we finished writing that, she also wrote up on the board:
-Sound you love
And at first I wrote "marble bouncing on a hard surface", because I do love that sound. But instead I wrote a "pipa [chinese musical instrument]" Most people should know what this sounds like, but if you don't, listen to Aqueous Transmission, by Incubus. Sam recommended it to me, and I fell in love with it, just like I did with that scene. That song is so ambitious. It's calming, and relaxing, and yeah, they're using a pipa. And probably some other Asian-esque instruments. The pipa gives me chills, just like that scene too. I love the sound of it. It sounds perfectly out of tune. What an oxymoron :D

Then, Napoliello wrote:
-Pet peeve
And wtf? I have so many pet peeves. Endless pet peeves. Probably some I haven't even discovered yet. I hate crushed ice. And talking on speaker phone. And when people say "sorry" over and over again, especially for things they shouldn't be sorry for. *COUGH COUGH* SAM *COUGH* Not that that became a pet peeve of mine because of you, I've always been annoyed when people do that, but meeting you just exercised my irritation. :D Anyway, I ended up writing "rudeness", and I didn't say so, but what I'd meant by that was, specifically, when students are rude to teachers. Or kids to parents. Or anyone who's rude to anyone older than them. This drives me up the wall. It's completely incomprehensible, to me.

& I kept thinking that was all, but she'd would just write another one, such as:
-Greatest wish
This one was a bit easier, because as I've written a few posts ago, I always knew that if I looked into the Mirror of Erised [from Harry Potter- if you don't know what it is, look at my post on August 10th], that I'd see myself in the past, probably with the Beatles. Or in the 80s. So I wrote, "time travel."

She writes below this, the hardest one:
-Who are you? (1 sentence)
And I really don't know who I am. I turned to Reggie and was like, "What?!" And he looked towards the board and had the same reaction as most of the people in the room. We started muttering and such, and Napoliello was all, "Shhh- don't talk." I had to think for a very long time, and at first I wrote "I am someone who doesn't know who she is." Then I was thinking about writing something like "I'm lost." or "I don't belong here.", but these were a bit too much, so I wrote "I am a coward and a mess." Because I think of myself as someone who's always afraid of nearly everything. And a mess pretty much sums up the idea of being lost, and irresponsible, and confused, and all that I am. I still don't think I answered this question though. I need to rethink. I think I faintly heard Reggie say "..an enigma...", but I'm not sure of what he actually wrote down as his answer. Afterwards, he said he wanted to have a better understanding of himself. I think after this, we were all thinking that same thing. Sasmit wrote, "I am what my words and actions make me to be.", or something close to that.

Really, after that one I thought we were done, because there was no more room on the board, but she go ahead and says out loud anyway:
"I'm just going to say this one, so listen up."
-What is the one thing you would change about yourself?
Also took a bit of thinking, and I was going to write "courage" or "bravery", but then I thought about how actually, I'm not afraid of most of the things people usually ARE afraid of. [i.e. bugs, heights, crossing the street..] So instead I wrote, "better memory", because I have one of the worst memories I know of. I think I have long-term memory loss, or something. I can't remember anything but birth dates and outfits. xD Anyway, after we'd turned it in, I wanted to change what I wrote the instant I set it on her desk. I realized I should've written "be more suave/urbane", because that would of covered the memory factor, but also include how clumsy and unorganized and lost I always am. Damn.

Jason told me, "Of course we'd change our minds about what we wrote afterwards. That was the whole point. I bet at the end of the year, she'll give it back to us and say, 'Now, is there anything you want to change?' I bet you she'll do that."

I really like her as a teacher. Some of the people in our class don't, but I do. She's gotten me thinking a lot. I think I'll learn a lot from her this year. :)

PreAP English is my 7th period, and after class ended, I walked to the gym lobby and was explaining the assignment to Sam, and when I brought up the "Who are you?" question, she said "dance!", because Calvin says you can find yourself by dancing. And I was all "Oh yeah! I should've been like, 'Excuse me for a second, please,' and gone out into the hall and danced until I knew the answer." hahaha :]

I ended up going to Sam's with Calvin and Earvin and we finally got to dance some xD But I still don't know myself. My goal this year is to discover who I am! ....Okay, no it's not, but I'll be sure to do so before I die :D
And we watched Rent, which was really good. It got me thinking about how I'd love to be Bohemian, rather than so ordinary and normal. I should be more unorthodox and different, but I don't really know how to do that. Or, I don't think I'd be accepted. I need to find some Bohemian friends. This is why I think I'd love art college, cause everyone'll be a bit on the odd side there :D
Hopefully, I come off as pretty different and unique right now, just the way I am. I try, in the way I dress, and my choice of words, and such.


The Saltwater Room - Owl City
I've found a lot of people have been into Owl City, lately.

Oh, and I've been very happy recently, for some reason.
...To tell you the truth, I think I might be developing feelings for a certain someone? :X

scared of myself again.

If I had a dollar bill
for everytime I've been wrong,
I'd be a self-made millionare,
and you'd still be gone.



Dude. I need to get my life together.
I missed the bus yesterday morning AND this morning, forgot my gym uniform, and forgot to complete a question on my AP history homework. My mom took my iPod away, and I cannot answer questions in class. In English, Napoliello called on me, and I got startled and made quite an odd noise, and then ended up not giving her an answer. Reggie told me I seemed nervous. I was. I always am. In history, 1/3 of our grade is participation, and I was supposed to participate at least twice today, but I just couldn't. Even when I know the answers, I can't speak. I freak out and back down. And this is going to lead to a bad grade! Damnit. I haven't raised my hand in years. I don't answer questions. I don't guess things. I don't talk to adults, in most cases. I believe self-check outs are one of the best inventions, because I hate dealing with humans -__-

This is the first time that participation has mattered this much. I need to learn not to be such a freak. D: I'm just so afraid of being wrong about everything ;__;


Note-- Our school's terrible this year. >:O

Come What May - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack (Nicole Kidman & Ewan McGregor)
^I've had nothing but musical songs stuck in my head for like, the past week. Especially Moulin Rouge & Chicago. This is one of my favorites :D

don't need no authority.

One light, one mind-
Shining in the dark.
Blinded by the silence of
A thousand broken hearts.



I told you I'd be over it by today :)
A few people made me feel better~
And some shouldn't feel as guilty as they do D:
Earvin said this "side" of me took him by surprise..but it's not really a side, it's just me. Only, I keep it in. Some people tell me they've never seen me angry or scared, but the ones who know me well know I get angry very easily and I'm scared of nearly everything.
I'm feeling good today. I was thinking about my life and how I wouldn't ever want to be anyone else. I like being who I am. Or at least, I think I do. Well, I do for now :D

I think I'll copy that post in my journal and then delete it from here. Sounds good. But I'm feeling lazy at the moment..
There, I did it.

You know, I have trouble singing in front of other people when there's no karaoke or singstar. But I love singing so much. SO MUCH. I have sung without those two only in front of: Sam, Liz, Leah, Calvin and Earvin. People say I'm good. I think I am pretty good. =] But people who haven't heard me are always asking me to, but I can't just sing on the spot. When I'm alone I hear myself and I think, Oh it should be easy to sing in front of people. I will next time. Or something like that, but when it actually comes down to it, I choke and nothing comes out. Even when I want to, and try to will myself- it never works. I'm alway so afraid.

Lovefool - The Cardigans
^I cannot stop singing this song.

happy birthday kevin!

this post is just for kevin :D
happy 15th birthdayyy~!
kevin & michael are here, and liz is coming later, and i might stop by sam's later to give everyone cheesecakeeee.
maybe i'll edit this later if i have something to say.
once again,
happy birthday kevin!

images of broken light.

Words are flowing out like
endless rain into a paper cup.
They slither while they pass.
They make their way across the universe.


Fuck.
I hate [love] watching videos of the 60s-80s, cause it really does make me so sad. Really. You might not understand, thinking about The Beatles enough can bring me to tears. It sounds too over-dramatic and such, I know- but it just gets me so upset. I was watching KC & The Sunshine Band's "Get Down Tonight" on Youtube, and the clothing and the colors and everything; the whole vibe- I knew that was where I wanted to be. Not here.
Not now.
If you've ever read/seen Harry Potter, you know there's that mirror that tells you what you want most, and I've known for at least five years now that what I'd see would definitely be either myself finding true love, or myself some-when else other than the 2000s. Probably jamming with The Beatles.
Because I'm a hopeless romantic.
& a hopeless dreaming hippie, who loves neon and bell bottoms and other groovy tacky things.

I'm so tired of everything. I feel so sick to my stomach. Sickened by all that surrounds me.
You may not believe me, but these videos make me so sad...

There's something you didn't know about me, Calvin;
Reading about/listening to/watching The Beatles can make me cry, some days.


That's The Way I Like It - KC & The Sunshine Band
^I've been dancing all night. :D
Though you probably can't imagine it, I know.

IMMA DANCIN' MACHINE

Just a reminder to myself and everybody out there:
I love Calvin Lin with all my heart, and he loves me just as much :D

lightbulb in a dark room.

Like the desert
waiting for the rain,
like a school kid
waiting for the spring-
I'm just sitting here
waiting for you.

So yesterday I saw St. Elmo's Fire, which was very good. :)
`Cause you know, that song "1985" by Bowling For Soup? It goes;
"She's seen all the classics, she knows every line-
Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, even St. Elmo's Fire."
And since I love The Breakfast Club, I asked my mother about the other two movies, and she said St. Elmo's Fire was very good.
Btw, I've had 1985 stuck in my head since then. How sad. Because I love love LOVE 80s movies, and I love love love LOVE 80s music.
Why couldn't I have lived in the 80s? ):
I've decided I wish I had been born in the 60s [around when my mother was born?] Because then I would've grown up listening to The Beatles, when they were big- and during a revolution ^^ And then I'd go through puberty and adolescence in the disco era, dancing my pants off everyday. >:D
AND THEN I'D BE IN MY TWENTIES IN THE 80s :DDD The best years of my life in what I consider to be the greatest decade. Ah, dreams.
Oh, speaking of the twenties being the greatest years of my life, I consider it would be so because so many things would finally be legal. But once I pass 30, I think I'd seem too old to have anymore fun D:

You know that phrase, "story of my life"? How someone might say;
"I got fired today."
"Story of my life."
I like that phrase. I need to find more situations & conversations to say/use it in..:P

I've been reading The Happysad Archives lately, and I'm hoping to get through every single one of them. My favorite is this one: http://gallery.happysad.be/#4.11
Isn't that just so sweet?
They're all so cute and sad. :(


This quote randomly got stuck in my head:
"Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."
Can you remember where it's from?
I couldn't. I had to search it up xD

you've broken a feather.

You and I cry,
but the sun is still in the sky
& shining above you.
Let me hear you sing once more-
like you did before.
Sing a new song.



Damn dreams. >:O
Seriously, what the fuckkkkk. D:
3 days in a row of absolutely sick, unwanted, random dreams I've had while sleeping. Wanna know? Here they are~

Day 1: I'm on a train, in a very confined, dark compartment pressed up against several strangers, most of whom are grown people, all in the same cart. A particular man who sits next to me has long scraggly, poorly kept hair and is shirtless. Suddenly, he moves his hand across my lap, his palm against my right thigh, fingers digging into my skin. I attempt to push his arm away, but he retorts with merely grabbing my hand and holding it as if we were a couple. As I turn to him, the train comes to a halt and he rushes off, with my hand still in his, pulling me with him, jumping off from the nearest exit. We land in the ocean, about 100 feet from the shore, and the tide is extremely low. From behind us I find swimming our way....Reggie?! Fortunately, despite the randomness of it, REGGIE comes and saves me from the odd man, who was apparently planning to rape me?!
Go Reggie ^^

Day 2: We were sitting together on an....exercise machine? Once again, randomness. I have my legs on either side of the cold, white, metal bar, keeping my balance. He asks if he can. Can do what, you ask? Let's just say, I dreamt I lost my virginity to him. -_- But I don't want to, trust me.
And I'd rather not specify who he is.

Day 3: Though I don't remember quite clearly, if I had to make a guess, we were vacationing in Atlantic City. We, as in my friends and I. For this dream, I'll use pseudonyms for the two main people involved in it, cause I don't think they want to be displayed as how they were in my head -_- I'm walking through a rundown town, graffiti on any space available, when out of the blue is a bar/cafe type building, which [thanks to ANNA- not a pseudonym :P] is Alice in Wonderland themed. There are mushrooms and a hookah bar..and the walls are covered in images from the story. I have trouble deciding on which omelette I should order...
But that's just a random part of that dream. Later, when I'm back at the hotel we're staying at, SQUACK. [hahahaha, she chose the name xD] enters the room, with her belly quite convex and...what?! As if she's.....pregnant?! NOWAI. And somehow, Tiff [not a pseudonym either] tells me that SQUACK. and Jar are now in a relationship, and have been apparently ever since SQUACK. got pregnant. And considering that her stomach's already very obtuse, that must've been a while ago. This gets me more frustrated than concerned; the fact that they didn't tell me they were together! Two people I considered to be very good friends of mine can't even let me know when they're dating? And Jar was the guy who got SQUACK. pregnant, which was the reason they hooked up.
If you knew who those two people were, you might understand why I'd rather not have had that dream. -_-

Really, I don't choose my dreams. If you know me well enough, and have had a taste of the other dreams I must endure, you know they're crazy and disgusting at points, and I really wish I could just sleep in peace some days. There are some people I'd rather not imagine naked or having intercourse. Gah. Sleeping angers me now. I can't control them, and no Sam, they're not a "wish my heart makes." :\

...WOO. My camera just came! :)

Honey Honey - ABBA
^ more ABBA music, yay :D

it used to be so good.

Where are those happy days?
They seem so hard to find.
I tried to reach for you-
but you have closed your mind.



currently listening to:
Another Day - Tune Up!
woo! So I watched Mama Mia! That musical based on all the ABBA songs? And omg, I'm now obsessed with ABBA. I've been singing and dancing to them for a while now~
My favorite song is Lay All Your Love On Me :D

Also, I won my cell phone back in a bet I made with my mother. We've always made bets about all our disagreements ever since I was little, and I'm nearly always right and always win, but she never learns. And when she realized I was correct, she was like "No- I take it back." But I think she should be returning my phone soon >:[

Life becomes unbearably dull trapped inside this house all day~
I really should start The Red Badge of Courage, but procrastination drowns out everything else. Plus, what motivation do I have for anything anymore? Gr. I've had a headache all day, and I believe it's due to the laptop. For the past few months, everytime I get near a computer for more than like, half an hour, my head starts panging incredibly. I told Leah this, and she immediately exclaimed, "You're allergic to computers!" Apparently, she read an article about a man who was technology-intolerant. Hahaha, maybe I am.

In my days of extreme lethargy and boredom, Ice Bat is here for moral support. :)

Don't you just freaking love him?! I do. ^^



Take A Chance On Me - ABBA
^too catchy for my own good ):

let me sing for ever more.

Fly me to the moon,
& let me play among the stars.
Let me see what Spring is like on
Jupiter and Mars.



currently listening to:
Pandora - Madina Lake

Earvin keeps saying my mother's up to something, because for some reason, she gave me $400 to go shopping, took me to the mall, and gave me back my laptop & home phone. Maybe she is, but I'm fine with that :)
It's funny, because I keep seeing my friends everyday, regardless of my grounding. The day afterwards, I go to the mall and just happen to run into Vincent. And then the next day my mother switches her shift at work and is out from 3-9 PM, so Earvin came to visit & helped me clean my room! (: And today I think Samantha's dropping by to pick up her ipod~
I can still have fun >:D

Haha, so I just wanted to let you know that I have my home phone & laptop back- though you probably don't know my home number.

currently listening to:
All That I've Got - The Used

The Smiths are my current favorite band :D
Of course, The Beatles will always be my all-time favorite, but I always have little periods of time obsessed with a certain other band. Like before, it was The Used, if you couldn't tell.
And Queen's always my 2nd favorite, so you could say I have on and off 3rd favorite bands x]

Oh, and I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately >:]]

currently listening to:
Hashpipe - Weezer


The Boy With The Thorn In His Side - The Smiths
^ stuck in my head<3>