mindset; check?

UGHHHHHHHH.
I'm so mad at myself!
What's wrong with you, Vy-Anh?!
ONLY YOU.
Only I could manage to do this.
This morning, I wore my jacket to breakfast and took it off because I was hot.
Not until 3rd period did I realize that my jacket was no longer anywhere to be found. So I'm GUESSING I left it in the cafeteria, but I could be wrong. I'll check the lost and found or my classes tomorrow.
Later, afterschool, I looked into my bag to realize I couldn't find my planner. But I think I might've left that in English. This wasn't so bad; they weren't incredibly important belongings, other than my jacket being the only piece of clothing I owned that kept me so warm and the planner containing all of my homework.
D:
I was sort of in a -sigh- mood, but not angry yet.
And then I borrowed Sam's jacket, in order to keep warm while walking to Providence for swim.
And after swim, I was about to leave when I looked in my bag again and couldn't find Sam's jacket.
This is where I must state immediately, I'M SO SORRY SAM ;___;
I feel SOOOO bad! Because that's about the warmest thing you own, and I can't believe I lost it!
RAHHH. I'm going to go back and check the Lost & Found at Providence tomorrow, but if I can't find it, I promise I'll pay you back so you can buy a, you know, DECENT winter coat. -_-
Leah said something along the lines of, "That jacket was too light anyway." or "She needed a better coat anyway." Which is true. >:O

I'm so fucking unreliable.

Anyway, that was what first ticked me off, but it wasn't until I looked in my bag once again while changing in the girl's locker room, and couldn't find my bathing suit that I felt like I could've just gone absolutely ballistic.
My team suit was gone, which costed sixty freaking dollars. Another $60 lost! After my photo paper, too! Which I still have to go get.
I'm so frustrated with myself. I don't understand why I do this, HOW I do this!
I wanted to break down and cry.
My voice shook.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't know what to do.
I'm afraid that if I don't have my suit tomorrow, I might not be able to participate in the meet.
Today felt like it'd be such a good day at first.
From getting straight A's and B's on the first five classes of my grade sheet I'd gotten signed so far, and decorating paper ties and getting excessive compliments, until...
I realized I'd lost some things....
And I got a D in history on my grade sheet.
And didn't eat anything but a bag of pretzels from the vending machine ALL DAY, with only four hours of sleep and having to go through swim and dryland practice.
And I felt so lost and ostracized at that pasta dinner.
And then I had to stand out in the rain and my paper tie got wet and the ink bled together and my drawing, which took me forever, was ruined.

I should've realized it would turn out as a bad day when I walked into Jagtime and the lights were on.

When unfortunate events pile up against me like this, I start malfunctioning and I forget how to handle things and death; it seems so, so, so abnormally appealing.



My mother just said, "When you do things like that, people will think you're not paying attention, that you don't care."
Maybe I don't, subconciously...maybe I need to focus.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, I really believe that my memory is probably the worst of anyone's I know. Other people complain of their memory all the time, but I worry that theirs can't possibly fail to this extent. They can't even be anywhere near as bad as mine.
That's what I think.
It's not necessarily true, but I believe it with all my heart.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I didn't feel out of it today.
I see no reason why I kept forgetting and losing things the way I did.





You don't understand how much I would give to live as a different person, some days.