bring corruption to all that you touch.

And our freedom's consuming itself.
What we've become;
It's contrary to what we want.
Take a bow.





For Christmas, I received:
-a turntable from my mother
-socks from my mother
-season 4 of the Twilight Zone from my mother
-an iPod case from my mother
-a phone chain from my mother
-$200 gift card to Barnes & Noble from my father
-$100 from my grandmother
-$100 from my aunt
-about 20 packs of gum from my brother
-a Beatles record & VHS from Jansen
-a Vy-Anh house from Tyler
-a panda scarf from Eric
-a black beanie from Leah
-"Fortune Telling Book of Dreams" from Kesiree
-a microphone shaped sponge from Erin
-a microphone shaped soap from Samantha
-a scarf, tea and teacup from Calvin & Tina
-a scarf from Tom
-a cup from Amy
-a Beatles poster type thing from Vincent
-a tiny music box which plays "Hey Jude" from Tiff
-a Chinese "peace" wall hanging from Alena
-a Chinese box & massaging balls from Evelina
For Christmas [so far- I still need to finish buying gifts], I gave:
-mix CDs to my mother
-a chess/checkers table to my brother
-a journal & candle to Liz
-a journal & candle to Leah, as well
-"The Lonesome Puppy" book to Samantha
-Gir [from Invader Zim] hair bows to Tyler
-chipped in for Sexy Slang game for Tom
-teal wallet & robot bows to Evelina
-"A Wolf At the Table" and lighting bolt earrings to Tiff
-necklace & perfume to Kesiree
-boxers & a hat to Calvin
-something to Anna which I can't name yet because I have to give it to her first
-boxers & socks to Tina
-a book of pick up lines to Vincent
-a bracelet I made to Jansen
-one of those little Urban Outiftter bamboozi collectibles to Eric
I still need to buy for Erin.
Yeah.


Anyway!
I love the feeling I get when people love the gifts I give them. :]
Samantha said she loved that book, it's amazing. I worried it wasn't like a useful type of gift. But she really did like it (: She was all, "THE BOOK!" Haha.
Tyler said the bows were so cute, and that she loved them.
Tom says the game's awesome, but then again, the game wasn't my idea xD
Kesiree was all "You got me the necklace?!" and I asked, "You did say you liked it, right?" and she goes "Yes! I love it, it's so pretty." And then she asked about the wrapped portion of her present, "Is this perfume? Because I've been running out of my pink one." I answered yes and she asked, "The orange one?!" and when I answered yes again she said thank you and hugged me (: And she put on the necklace right then and there.
Evelina said she'd just lost her wallet and needed a new one, and thanked me. I felt as if it was a "as-if-you-read-my-mind" moment.
Those words just brightened my days.
More!
The best yet was Jansen's. If you read his blog, he states he is thankful for the bracelet I gave him? :] At first I was worried that it didn't live up to what he bought me, because it didn't cost much. But he said it's like the best gift a friend could get him, or something. Reading that post of his just, it just made me so elated. My heart is so filled with happiness that he liked it so much.
You have no idea how much giving excites and fills me with this indescribable joy.
Thank you, Jansen. :D
I really wanted to say "thank you" after I read your blog, but I knew that wouldn't seem to make any sense if I had, haha.
He didn't show he liked it that much when I first gave it to him, but he put it on immediately and said he liked it, but I still worried it wasn't enough. But apparently it was! Yay!
And also!
Vincent said he loved the book and was reading lines out of it all night, that now they'd be his away messages. :D
& Calvin said he'd wear the hat & boxers for new years!
I LOVE THIS FEELING~
Updated!
My brother & I played a game of both chess & checkers :D
Tiff put on the earrings once she got them, and wore them the whole day and quite a few other days (:
Tina has worn the socks a few times now, Eric called the figurine cute, and Liz says she uses my candle every night.
And Leah might possibly use the journal I gave her as a journal/diary type thing and I've read the first entry :D
I with all my heart, 100% believe that nothing makes me happier than giving to others, and then recieving these reactions.


So, Kesiree gave me that book of dreams. It's like a dream decoder, basically.
And the night after it was given to me, I dreamt I was staying in a hotel, and in the lobby, there were a ton of attractions- like those in an amusement park, excluding rides. And one of them was a maze. A lifesized maze, but not like those hedge or corn ones. It's made of regular, off-white, plaster walls. It's maybe more than an acre large, and is surrounded by children's books which each contain different directions explaining how to reach different prizes and goals within the maze. They're colorful and simple and I remember what they look like very specifically. In the maze, there are traps and doors which will shut on you if you're not quick enough. Spikes and potholes and things that pop out of walls and such. I see people die in this maze. Crushed by the doors, mostly. And supposedly, it's for kids?
And then I have a second dream, where Vincent and I think Tina are with me, in a moonbounce, and somehow, Vincent like, takes control of the moonbounce and sends it sailing off into the air. And before I know it, we're in a moonbounce, soaring through the sky. Up high enough that there are clouds right before my eyes. It's nightime, maybe midnight, and nearly pitchdark with a strong breeze pressing against us- though not cold. Warm and windy. My favorite kind of weather, besides after-rain weather. He's steering us through the heavens, and I'm peacefully sitting on the floor of the moonbounce, almost meditating. While Tina's clutching onto the edge of the moonbounce, holding on for dear life with her legs dangling in the air. D:
But it's very nice. Tranquil. So much fun, because as you know, I've always wanted to fly....It's basically one of the best dreams I've had in a loooong time.
And then a third dream, but I don't remember much aside from being in a white room. And ____, whose name I'd prefer not to mention, keeps touching me- on the sides, the neck, the back...my face. And he tries to kiss me, but I move away, and don't let him. And he asks me why I keep avoiding him, and I say that I hate him.
So I looked in this "Book of Dreams" Kes gave me, and it says this:
There's no "maze" in the book, so I looked up...
LABYRINTH
To get lost in a labyrinth sugests that you must unravel a problem you brought upon yourself.
FLYING
To fly like a bird through the sky indicates that your efforts to achieve something beyond your capabilities will be futile.
NIGHT
A dream that takes place at night is not usually an advantageous sign. Expect challenges and setbacks.
CLOUDS
Dark, foreboding clouds forecast bad luck and sadness.
It also doesn't include "moonbounce," so I settled for...
BALLOON
A balloon is a symbol of unfulfilled expectations. Expect losses in your business.
KISS
To dodge a kiss indicates illness.

All terrible omens.
All bad signs.
It seems I should be expecting nothing good anytime soon.
Oh, and as for the illness thing. Oddly enough, I woke up sneezing. I sneezed at least five or six times in a row, and then had a runny, stuffy nose. How silly. xD

And then last night, I had a dream about swim. The team was at this gargantuous new pool, at where I remember the color pink being very prominent everywhere. Coach Kwon is being very demanding in putting me in more races than usual. Leah and I are laughing at one point. I'm only naming the brief, random bits which I recall. About twenty people are able to dive in at once, that's how big the pool is. It has that many lanes. Splashes...diving in...the rush. I don't remember the order of events or anything very significant particularly. I remember being at a random person's house- probably a pasta dinner...hm.
Anyway. In the book:
POOL
Festive tmes ahead if you dream of swimming in a pool.

THUS!
We have to do something for New Years, you guys :)




CLT: I love the concept of- if you give a group of people one thing, each of them will make something different of it.
Don't get what I mean? Two quotes as examples:
"If I give you a recipe and I give five people the same recipe, I will have different dishes on the table." -Jacques Pepin
"You are all reading the same book, and to get all these different representations of the image described- That's amazing." -Mrs. Napollielo

leaving so soon?

So Christmas is over.

Let's go through how it went, alright?
-Woke up @ noon
-Read some of A Wolf at the Table
-Uncle came over
-Ate rice & fish
-Fell asleep
-Was forced to take family Christmas photos [because apparently, my grandmother is going to go back to Vietnam soon and I'll never see her again]
-Opened presents
-Aunt & her boyfriend & other friend came over
-Peter Pan Buffet
-Went home and played around with my new turntable
-Tyson's to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-We were too late for the first time and had to wait like two hours, so I took a nap in the kid's playground area on the third floor
-Movie; went home

And then once it passed midnight, and became today-
I was conversing with my mother, asking her if I could go to the mall the next day, and then go to Sam's for musical night, and sleepover at Kesiree's and go to Tom's for the Christmas potluck dinner the next day. And I'd asked her several times before, and she'd been okay with it. But suddenly she kept saying I go out too much, when I haven't even been out at all since last weekend, regardless of it being winter break. I've been locked inside for days, and she has the nerve to say I'm out too much. She goes, "Two times too much," when I say that Friday and Saturday would only be two days. And my grandmother decides to jump into the conversation by saying that "What, you go out every weekend, you don't want to be home? You want to go live with your friends? You're never here," Blah blah blah. And my mom listens and takes her side, saying that I need to stay home at least one day. WHEN I'VE BEEN STAYING HOME.
I ask for two days where I don't have to listen to my family and do nothing all day. My mom says that I have to choose one day- Friday or Saturday- to go out. But I'm all, we've been planning musical night for weeks! And it's a Christmas party! These are two events that I, with all my heart, don't want to miss at all!
So I suggest, what if I don't sleepover with Kesiree & Erin, because that's something that can wait more than the others. And my grandmother starts talking about how it's not good for me to stay over at other people's houses because supposedly, they might just be saying that I can to be nice or because they can't say no. And I'm like, BUT SHE INVITED ME. And my mom, once again, listens to her and starts saying that I can't sleepover anywhere anymore because supposedly, I'm "too old."
And this just drove me crazy and I screamed that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and walked away crying over everything that happened that day.

Family just makes me cringe. The thought of it.
Older people scare me out of my mind. They make me want to weep and tear my hair out.
Something's wrong with me.
And as I walked away from my mom and grandma, I could hear them talking about me in Vietnamese.
Like any other adolescent in America,
I can't wait to leave.



I don't even know if I want to do anything at all anymore, you guys.
The mall, the musical, the Hardy Boys, the potluck...
I don't know if I'd be up to any of it.
Fucking humans-


Shut up.
I'm so stupid...

war is over (if you want it) - -

Last day before break!

I'm eating some of my Jagtime teacher's weird German cookies...everyone's saying they taste like shit and throwing them out, but I don't mind them. I think they're pretty good? They have bits of dry fruit in them. I made Mrs. Gmelin a card saying I feel she isn't appreciated enough. She lets us use the computers and printer and lets us talk and sleep, but most of the students just take advantage of this by looking at like, porn or playing online games. What makes me unable to stand this is that they give her no respect whatsoever. No one pushes in their chairs, some of the students have yelled at her, and while the library charges 10 cents to print a page, she only charges 5, and there are still a lot of kids who owe her debt because they just print their things and don't pay, saying they will the next day.
But they don't.
I think it's sad. If I was a teacher, I'd hate to be stuck with some of these kids.

So anyway!
I think something's wrong with me lately.
First of all, I'm going through one of my hate people phases. Where I can't stand humans. And dealing with them. I feel like they should all just vanish. Including me. Sasmit says that world peace would never be accomplished, but it could if all us humans didn't exist.
Anyway, my point is- I tell you about this phase (which I have a lot, every so often) only so I can ask of you, please, if you notice me being a bit of a jerk or stand-offish, just understand why.
Secondly, things have been a bit off.
Yesterday, I was baking, and I spilled like every ingredient at least once. I would fill the measuring cup with flour and somehow, when I pulled it out of the flour container, I got flour all over the floor and counter and everything. I was squeezing paint out of a tube yesterday and it splattered all over my pants. While I was washing the dishes, I ended up knocking over the paper towel roll into the sink while the water was running, and ruining the whole roll.
And then this morning.
Last night, I stayed up until like, 1:30 AM, so I knew I'd have trouble waking up this morning. Therefore, I set three alarms for myself. One from IKEA, which you have to press a switch on the back of to turn off. One that was previously my mother's, which you have to press a switch on the top to turn off. And my phone, which I have to press the corner button to turn off.
All three alarms rang. I turned them all off.
But I don't remember doing so.
I feel as if I went to sleep and woke up this morning to find it was 7:26. But I know my alarms rang. I know I set them, and they're not broken, and my mom even said she heard them herself until I turned them off. She heard them. She's in a completely different room. Why didn't I hear them? Why didn't I wake up? I don't remember the alarms ever ringing at all. But this happens sometimes, and is usually the reason I'm late. I'm considering my ability to sleepwalk, or something.


Things are okay.
Everything's okay.
It's been okay for months.
I'm so bored.









--edit--

Well, right after Jagtime today, right after I wrote the post up above-I got pretty pissed off. In Algebra, I had my box of chocolate chip cookies which I had stayed up baking the night before with me, and I placed it on my desk. There were about five or six left inside. For the last hour of class, Mrs. Johnson gave us boardgames and let us do as we wished. So, I walked over to the other side of the room to play "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" with Stephanie, Victoria, Nam, Iqra and Tony. At the end of class, I walk back to my seat to find my box filled with pink tissue paper. I examine it further to find there is not a single cookie left but half of one at the bottom, already bitten out of.
What the fuck?
Who the hell takes, no, steals someone else's food?
Especially without asking?!
Like, just snatches it when they're not looking.
When they don't even know the person.
Really, humanity never ceases to surprise me. I didn't think that anyone who attended our school could simply just eat all of them. It really, REALLY just doesn't make sense to me. Help explain?
If they were hungry, they could've bothered to ask- I would've given them one. And I know you know that I would've. That's who I am. I don't say no.
I am thoughtful and make things for other people and offer them some and never say no.
Times like this make karma harder for me to believe, but I'd never stop. Karma just seems like it'd make so much sense. Why wouldn't life be based on karma? It's only fair.
Oh wait, I forgot. Life isn't fair.
Can you imagine? Would the thought of taking someone you don't even know's FOOD while they weren't there ever even cross your mind?!
Whoever took them wasn't anyone I know, because everyone in my class is juniors aside from Stephanie and Ingrid and Neal. Ingrid couldn't possibly have stolen them, because she's Ingrid and I don't believe she'd do such a thing, obviously. And I was with Stephanie, and Neal was sleeping like right in front of me. Thus, it was a junior.
I asked the people who sit beside me- James, Tiffany and Brad- if they'd taken them or seen anyone come by and take them, but they said no...but they were right next to the box the whole time. -_-
And I know that it sounds like I'm just making a big deal out of it. But that's my money and time and love in those cookies. And I often make big deals out of smalls things, because my belief is the majority of things that can seem trivial are often filled with so much inner-significance and insight, but no one sees it but me...

every point of view has another angle.

Does the world seem grey with empty longing?
Wearing every shade of cynical.
And do you ever feel that
There is something missing?







I should be doing my algebra homework!
What's wrong with me?

So! Remember that day where I lost my jacket, planner, swimsuit and Samantha's jacket?
It was a day of epic fail; neverending fail.
And within exactly two weeks since then, everything fell right back into place.
Two days after that dreadful Thursday of December 4th, Mrs. Napollielo had my planner sitting up at the front of the room and I asked for it back and had it returned to me :]
Last Thursday, Coach Kwon said to me, "Guess what! Someone found your suit in the lost & found." and Chnar exclaimed, "I found it!" So I had a suit to wear for the second meet (and I also improved my time by three seconds and was the fastest in my lane for my relay!).
And yesterday, Herty told me Mr. Sedine asked his class if they knew who my jacket belonged to, so today I asked him and he said "I didn't find it, it's been sitting in my closet for three weeks!" And now I am wearing it.
As for Samantha, I never found her jacket...but she said she's getting a new one! Which she needed, anyway. That one was old and not warm enough at all, darn her. xD

How can things go so badly
And so well?

Ups
and
Downs.

This makes me feel quite...thankful. And happy.
And I shall celebrate my youth with you, Tyler. :]
And I will protect my magical fortresses from the ogres, for now, Jansen.
And I shall find Eric a Christmas gift and finish the rest of my Christmas shopping.
And I will return Samantha's jeans and Leah's sportswear ASAP.
And I shall buy bread for our finger sandwiches.
And I will improve my grades in both history and algebra.
And things will look up.
Even more than they are now.
& I'll be okay. :D


But I can't help but feel
and think...
and well-
know
that deep down inside
there is still
something

missing



i'm not here



i'm not there



i'm not anywhere









CLT: If you've ever seen maybe an older show or movie, do you know how sometimes during a flashback scene, there are several different ways to flashback? Of course, the classic, fade out to white and back in again with a misty cloudy white border, or there's the normal flashback with just the scene in different colors, or the quick flash to black, scene, black, scene and kind of clicking noises. Is this making any sense? And then there's the commonly used *image warps and morphs into blurred colorful waves and the waves straighten back out into the flashback image* while like, sparkly dream music plays?
...I suck at describing things.
But anyway! That wavelength flashback thing; that happens to me all the time. Especially when I'm reading, my vision starts waving back and forth and everything curves and squiggles and loses their shapes and I get a tad dizzy.
Gr. Does this even make any sense?!

peace of mind.

What is wrong with me?

I feel worse than ever lately.

As if everyone hates me.

As if I should just stop trying.

As if there's no point anymore.

This would be one of those days that I'm frustrated that I had to be born as me.



I am feeling very annoyed at this up and down thing. It's still going on.
Friday:
Subway with swim kids plus Tyler :]
I had a swim meet at Providence vs. Edison! We won in both girls and guys, and Tiff said I was pretty strong, but needed to not breathe so much. I hate having such weak lungs and short breath. D: My mom wants to test me for asthma, but I doubt I have it...maybe a really, really slight case. I have breathing issues. I can't even hold notes in songs -_-
So Friday as a whole was good.
Saturday:
Woke up around 8 for dryland practice, and Leah and Sam came home with me. I tried to bake eclairs, but failed. They were for Michael's birthday. We made a card and Leah bought a grapefruit for him as well. Sam called and he told us we could come over whenever we liked, but my mom didn't get home until like 5, and we didn't get there until like 7....and that's kind of my fault, but I warned Leah we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until my mom got home, because I had to watch my brother.
Turns out, by the time we got there, Michael, Kevin, Jesse, Liz and probably others were at the mall, about to watch a movie.
I still feel bad about that. Because had it not been for me, Sam and Leah would've been able to go to Michael's hours earlier, and what happened wouldn't have happened. As if I was holding them back; a burden.
So Michael's mom ended up driving us back to Sam's house.
On the way, I felt the saddest I had in quite a while. My lip quivered and I started tearing up, but I controlled myself. I just inhaled and exhaled and waited for my moist eyes to return to their normal state. But the tears kept forming again and again. I was so frustrated that I wouldn't get to see Michael on his birthday, of all days. Especially after I hadn't seen him in ages. I was so sad, and I don't even know why. I just thought about everything that had happened back when we were so close as friends and I just missed it immensely, more than I ever expected I would have..
Later, Sam's mother gave us a ride to Tina's to "sleepover", but we really just ended up going to Tom's around like 9 or 10 pm and stayed until like 7 am.
So Saturday as a whole was
-good [exercise & baking]
-bad [missing michael]
-good [tom's house!] day.
Sunday:
We were good kids, so we basically spent the whole time playing one game of Disney Scene It, playing some Taboo, and four games of Cranium.
So much fun! I love having, um, "innocent?" fun.
I really do :)
For Cranium, I was on a team with Tina and Jansen, and we won the first round, lost the second, and then we split up into teams of two, and Jansen and I were losing by a landslide, but made a brilliant comeback and won in one turn :D
And after Jansen and David left, we played with Tina & Sam vs. Tom & I, and we lost.
Afterward, I slept while they watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall...and slept again once we got back to Tina's, only to be awakened several times by Sam's phone xD
Sam and I walked back to her house kind of late, took showers and were off to pick up Calvin and Jansen, stop by my house and to the metro! [we were going to DC to view an exhibit at the National Gallery of Art for AP World extra credit]
On the metro, we got distracted and missed our stop, which worried me because it was almost 4 and I remembered that in the summer, the National Gallery of Art closed at 5 on a Saturday, and I thought it might close earlier since it was a Sunday? But apparently it closes later on Sundays?! x]
And Jansen accidentally left Calvin's stuffed animal pig on the other train and I felt really bad about him getting off our train and going back to the other one and separating from us and having to run in the cold alone...just for that pig. D:
So I was feeling very, very down.
When we got off the train, Sam was speaking to Anna on the phone and somehow, we [Sam, Calvin & I] ended up getting completely lost...and this just made me so frustrated for some reason. We were wasting so much time. I felt like we weren't going to make it, and I knew that if I told my mother that we didn't make it to the museum in time and the whole day was a waste and I'd have to go another day, she'd get so mad at me.
But then Anna told me that the gallery closed at 6, so we had time.
And I got to have my first gelato in four years :]
And everything was all better...

I guess?



I need to stop procrastinating.
To-Do List, perhaps?
-Consumer Literacy Project
-Finish my chemistry lab
-Finish "A Wolf at the Table"
-Read "Ender's Game"
-Driver's Ed Current Event and Signs [I forgot to turn in]
-Driver's Ed DMV Manual Test Project
-Catch up on my algebra homework [which I haven't done any of]
-Buy a new battery for my camera
-Get 5 boxes of doughnuts sold
-Find someone to donate for the swim-a-thon
-Finish buying christmas gifts [there are four more to go]
-Bake the brownies I owe
-Write my AP World extra credit paper
-Get a haircut






CLT: Reading a book turns me into a new person every time. Very few books will fail to make me cry. Books mean a lot more to me lately than usual. I want to read as much as possible in a lifetime. I love feeling knowledgeable when it's solely due to a book I've read- for example: the other day I saw the name "Amadeus" and knew it referred to Mozart because it was Mozart's middle name. I wouldn't have known this if it weren't for the fact that two days ago, I'd finished Lottery by Patricia Wood, which included a quote by Mozart in the epilogue, and stated his full name :D

happy birthday erin & emily :)

This would be my first in-class blog.

I got five hours of sleep which is enough that I'm not tired and can't sleep, so I'm bored with nothing to do...
I WOULD do my Algebra homework, but I don't have my textbook with me.
Typing this makes me self-concious because the room is quiet and this keyboard makes a lot of noise.
Oh and I got an 8/9 on my group history essay! :D
It wouldn't make me as happy if I hadn't been the one who basically composed most of it.
Calvin found the facts, but left the paper with me, so I wrote it and Sam gave me moral support. xD
I just needed a better thesis. But I'm usually good with those...
HMMMMMMMMMMm.
Not much to state.
Maybe I'll try to write a poem...?



Uh...I've got nothing.
Maybe I should only try to compose poetry when I really have something to write about. Because a lot of the time, I do, but I get lazy.

I have a swim meet today, and I only get to do one relay because I'm such a bad swimmer...but that's okay. :)
I ate two bananas, a cup of tea and a nutri-grain bar for breakfast, might have some of Sam's rice and eggs for lunch, and then afterschool I'm going with Alena and Leah and possibly other swim kids to get some subway in preparation for the meet.
Life feels better today.

I really, really wish I could find my glasses though. So much easier than the trouble of putting on contacts and only having one pair to use...
And I wish I could go karaoking with Sam, Jansen and them...

Guess what :D
I'm working on a new video culmination~
Like the random one I made, and the freshman/summer one? Yeah. It's nowhere near finished, it might take months for me to take enough good videos, but I'm using the "Glasglow Love Theme," from one of my favorite movies, LoveActually :D
We still need to watch that.

There's no real purpose to this blog; I just need something to do...
I could try to think of a Calvin Lin Trend fact..

In case you didn't know, Calvin and I have a "drill" [oh, this is not a CLT, btw xD] where he asks me:
What's up?
How are you?
How was your day?
What's on your mind?
But since he doesn't like going through all this, we usually just say, "Drill?" and the other one goes through each answer.
This would be a good way to organize some blogs, so I'll give you an example.
Oh, and usually I go out of order by which I remember first, and I always start with what's on my mind because if I save it for last, I forget whatever was on my mind..xD

Calvin: Drill?
Me: Um, I'm thinking about how I feel bad for forgetting Twilight for Tom, and about how Tiff and Sam use the terms "odd" and "egg" backwards now, and I don't know, I kind of felt like that was our thing, at first. I hope that they don't ever use the drill, because I feel like that's ours, too. I'm okay, my morning's been okay...and, you know what's up.

Yeah, if it's early in the day, I only have to say the morning, and if we skip a day, sometimes he'll ask about my yesterday, or something.
I kind of feel like throwing up suddenly.


Maybe I'll continue/fix this later...

mindset; check?

UGHHHHHHHH.
I'm so mad at myself!
What's wrong with you, Vy-Anh?!
ONLY YOU.
Only I could manage to do this.
This morning, I wore my jacket to breakfast and took it off because I was hot.
Not until 3rd period did I realize that my jacket was no longer anywhere to be found. So I'm GUESSING I left it in the cafeteria, but I could be wrong. I'll check the lost and found or my classes tomorrow.
Later, afterschool, I looked into my bag to realize I couldn't find my planner. But I think I might've left that in English. This wasn't so bad; they weren't incredibly important belongings, other than my jacket being the only piece of clothing I owned that kept me so warm and the planner containing all of my homework.
D:
I was sort of in a -sigh- mood, but not angry yet.
And then I borrowed Sam's jacket, in order to keep warm while walking to Providence for swim.
And after swim, I was about to leave when I looked in my bag again and couldn't find Sam's jacket.
This is where I must state immediately, I'M SO SORRY SAM ;___;
I feel SOOOO bad! Because that's about the warmest thing you own, and I can't believe I lost it!
RAHHH. I'm going to go back and check the Lost & Found at Providence tomorrow, but if I can't find it, I promise I'll pay you back so you can buy a, you know, DECENT winter coat. -_-
Leah said something along the lines of, "That jacket was too light anyway." or "She needed a better coat anyway." Which is true. >:O

I'm so fucking unreliable.

Anyway, that was what first ticked me off, but it wasn't until I looked in my bag once again while changing in the girl's locker room, and couldn't find my bathing suit that I felt like I could've just gone absolutely ballistic.
My team suit was gone, which costed sixty freaking dollars. Another $60 lost! After my photo paper, too! Which I still have to go get.
I'm so frustrated with myself. I don't understand why I do this, HOW I do this!
I wanted to break down and cry.
My voice shook.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't know what to do.
I'm afraid that if I don't have my suit tomorrow, I might not be able to participate in the meet.
Today felt like it'd be such a good day at first.
From getting straight A's and B's on the first five classes of my grade sheet I'd gotten signed so far, and decorating paper ties and getting excessive compliments, until...
I realized I'd lost some things....
And I got a D in history on my grade sheet.
And didn't eat anything but a bag of pretzels from the vending machine ALL DAY, with only four hours of sleep and having to go through swim and dryland practice.
And I felt so lost and ostracized at that pasta dinner.
And then I had to stand out in the rain and my paper tie got wet and the ink bled together and my drawing, which took me forever, was ruined.

I should've realized it would turn out as a bad day when I walked into Jagtime and the lights were on.

When unfortunate events pile up against me like this, I start malfunctioning and I forget how to handle things and death; it seems so, so, so abnormally appealing.



My mother just said, "When you do things like that, people will think you're not paying attention, that you don't care."
Maybe I don't, subconciously...maybe I need to focus.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, I really believe that my memory is probably the worst of anyone's I know. Other people complain of their memory all the time, but I worry that theirs can't possibly fail to this extent. They can't even be anywhere near as bad as mine.
That's what I think.
It's not necessarily true, but I believe it with all my heart.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I didn't feel out of it today.
I see no reason why I kept forgetting and losing things the way I did.





You don't understand how much I would give to live as a different person, some days.

just breathe.

Okay, so, I'm going to try to keep up with this blogging everyday thing.
and PERHAPS, the poems, as well.

I just finished reading Twilight.
And when I reached the last word on the last page, I closed the book and exclaimed [in my head] WHAT THE HELL?!
I don't want to be offensive when stating my opinion on this damned book, but really.
As you probably know, it's about half [or more of] the female teenage population's favorite book, at the moment. But really, you guys? Or girls?
I pity anyone who believe they have read no better book than this one.
Ugh.
Many people have been stating that they hate the book, when they haven't read it, or that they dislike it only because they wanted to, what, come off as all non-conformist and not trying to fit into the crowd, rebellious and cool or whatever.
But I wanted to read the book and be real, because I've always thought that when something is raved about so frequently and heavily, it simply must be somewhat good, right?!
BUT NO.
What a waste of my freaking time.
I got through like, 20 chapters, wondering when it would get good, right? Because so far it had been very dry and repetitive and rather, well, boring. It was so packed full of that teenage lovey-dovey crap.
In my opinion, a romance book seems like it'd be one of the hardest to write, because it could so easily become cliche and meaningless and drive people up the wall. So if you're going to write one, it better be of the highest quality.
And to me, in no way was Twilight of the highest quality.
April had told me that from about page 400 to the end, it became really good, suspenseful and keeps-you-reading kind of good, and I believed her. I thought that if so many people loved this book, and so far I didn't like it much at all, that the ending must have been so mind-blowing that it completely ousted all the dull, endless descriptions I'd previously read.
I hate writers who describe and describe and describe. I'm sorry, but it tends to reach a certain extent before I cease to comprehend.
Anyway, I had read books before that didn't reach out to me until the last hundred pages or so, and then their endings were just so powerful that the fact that the rest of the book remained mediocre no longer mattered.
There are so many books like that, in fact.
Twilight isn't one of them.
>:|
I waited and waited for that excitement to hit, until I suddenly found myself on the last page, wondering how it just slipped right by me. This is because it never happened.
-___-
As I stated, I don't mean to offend you in any way whatsoever, if you're extremely fond of this book, too.
But I can without a doubt tell you that I honestly groan with sorrow for anyone who considers Twilight their favorite book, because it is such clear proof that their lives so strongly lack decent reading material. So sad. SO. SAD.
Never again do I want to read another Stephanie Meyer book, so I pray they don't make a film out of New Moon or whatever that other one is called.
This makes me unable to wait until I can just fill my head back up with some mature, advanced, young adult fiction. Yum.



Cool, alarming water smashes against your unsuspecting face
As you catch your breath,
For the wind's knocked out of you for the shortest of moments.
Arms and legs push and force rhythmic movements.
Together, they work automatically
Without the need for mental concern or consent.
At first, effort is nowhere to be found-
All seems so simple, so easy, so quick and steady.
Until, as you continue, on and on
Things begin slowing.
And suddenly the body overcomes the mind's will.
It breaks and pauses, falling into an unfortunate state of awkwardness.
Still, it's all about try, try, try.
Harder.
Stronger.
Faster.
More, more, more.
The crowd is screaming at you; go, go, go!
But can you still go?
Just hold your gaze upon the wall as it grows larger; closer.
Watch it, reach for it, touch it, almost...
Stop.
Wait.
Breathe.

Swim is a lot of fun. I never expected any sport to offer as much as it does, really. Sure I get tired and frustrated at times, but when practice is over, I feel refreshed and new and full of, I don't know, life.
Makes me want to do more sports.
Regardless of what people say about not being able to see me doing one.
It drives me so much more than anything else.
To do well in school, complete all my homework.
Get a good night's sleep.
Eat healthy.

For once, I'm rather happy with how things are going when it comes to myself.
Life is good. :]





CLT: I always state that I don't want kids, but recently I've been thinking that IF this ever happens, IF- which it probably won't, but maybe by accident or something or when I'm older and am done with my time for fun.....I'd like to name a girl Audrey.

good bye.

One in the morning on a school night,
And your laughter
Is messy and full of static
Playing back in my head
Like a radio.
The screen of my cell phone-
Bright and warm
Against my cheek.
I hear you from miles away; feel your
Presence beside me.
Our conversation reminds me of childhood.
Such innocent talk
And humble matters.
Though not immature nor inappropriate;
It's just right.
Stay awake, keep those eyes open wide
If only for a few more minutes
Because we can't stand to leave.
Not just yet; now's too soon for our
Sad, sad depart.
My speech reduces in volume, slowly,
But jumps octaves, cracks and shakes.
Anxiety and nervousness are not the cause-
I'm sorry, I'm simply
Bad with my goodbyes.

Just something simple I wrote quite a while ago in algebra class after the night before....hm................
This inspires me to write a poem everyday, like Vincent's goal, long ago? xD
Or at least I'm considering blogging everyday, because many people read my blog, which I didn't know of. Apparently you guys are afraid of sounding like stalkers.
And I love writing these.
They make me feel happy and accomplished.


Today was a good day. The lights were off in Jagtime. I tend to have better days when they are.
I hate too much light, most of the time. I wish it were always darker. Not like pitch dark, because that's one of my fears. Again with the contradiction.
But yeah, everything's better in the dark, in my opinion. People don't understand that; they complain.

Like I said, all went well today aside from when my goggles fell off during time trials and I had to pause and re-adjust them, roar. But somehow, surprisingly, I caught up to the other swimmers anyway :)

je suis croque-monsieur?!

Sometimes I don't know what to do.

I feel so ecstatic and full of momentum and then suddenly within the blink of an eye my head is pounding with confusion and insecurities.
Up, down, up, down.
STILL.

Half the time I look in the mirror, I start getting very frustrated at having to be who I am.
And the other half, I'm very, genuinely happy to know that I am who I am.


Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have as many karma points as I think.
Drinking is illegal. D:
.............:D


In response to that question on your blog, Tiff, I don't think I could answer it myself.
Can anyone on this earth actually explain who they are, really?
It seems like, possibly one of the most complex questions a person can pose. Which is why it drove us all crazy when Mrs. Napollielo asked us once.
I'd like to say that I'm, most of the time, even if you don't agree, someone who is constantly changing. There are periods of time when I feel like a new person everyday. I'm always contradicting myself, whether it comes down to being both brave and a coward, strong and weak, confident and insecure, confused and indecisive versus being very set on my views.
All this would be, depending on the situation.
Hm.
Now, all that was pointless to state, because, summaraized.....
It's basically saying that I don't know who I am.
Which is what I started with.
I don't know.
xD




CLT: I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE getting blog comments. It's bad, to love that kind of knowledge that people care and attention so much. And bad to state this in that kind of inconspicuous way to get you guys to comment me.
OH WELL :D

But really.
I don't think you guys understand how much I appreciate the words you leave here, though, at times.

And I don't think I can thank you guys enough for keeping me so sane, or so I think, at times.