a willow tree who's tears didn't care.

I'm a war of head vs. heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak;
My heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say.





Again, feeling up and down.
Black Friday was very back and forth.

-Sam called and woke me up at 7ish.
-I went to Tysons around 8/8:30ish with Sam, Calvin and Jansen, I think? And we bumped into Kesiree, Bruna, Molly, Erin and Ky-Tran, and then Melissa, and quite a few other people.
-Didn't buy much...just a gift for Kesiree and what I thought would be Calvin's gift...but not anymore, because he saw it, so I'll have to get him something else, bwahaha :)
[note: i don't see why people refuse christmas gifts...if christmas is a time of giving.]
-I also met these two guys named Will and D? Funny people...but I don't think they really noticed me. I hate it when my friends hang out with people I don't know [and this includes all of my friends, because all of you do this on occasion], because I feel like if they even have acknowledged my existance at all, they hate me...and it's just weird for me to be there and I can't do anything. No words, not until they're gone. This is the reason why I'm so bad at making friends, is because I can't talk to anyone but the people I know. And I never get to know people unless I'm introduced to them, or they begin speaking to me, first. It does sound bitchy to complain about not making friends when I'm not making the effort, I know, but I'm not complaining about that. I'm complaining about myself. Stupid, shy, fucking fearful me.
-Anyway, when I purchased some of the gifts, I was thinking I should return one but I have no idea why I was stupid enough to throw away the receipt right after I got it..? ><
-Then, I got very upset for some reason, on the bus, when people started saying I looked tired or sad and such -_- and then even more upset when I lost my transfer and had to borrow change from Calvin, and then he saw his present sdfhhlkufytsrxchdklghasowelg
-So I just wasn't in the mood to listen to them having fun and laughing and then they went out for Pho and I wasn't hungry, since Kesiree had given me some salmon pasta :D
-Afterwards, we headed to Tom's, and I still felt really bad because all day, Calvin was hiding the singstar game he bought from all of us, and I still see no reason why, and then he wouldn't take it out, even after I asked him, "Don't you want to play it?" and he said yes.
-They ended up forcing it out of his pants, and he's making me feel guilty for not stopping them, and then I feel even more guilty when he's refusing to sing, while I AM singing...
-I felt like I was using his game and hogging it from him or something...but I kept giving the mic to him, and he just turned around and brooded and acted, well, dead. I would've chipped in if I didn't have anything other than twenties, though.
-Well things kept going wrong, untillll...
-Calvin suggested we play Pictionary, which was a lot of fun, and my teams won both rounds :D
-And then Tom suggested we play charades, which was even more fun, with all the crazy hard words they made..xD
-Aside from the word "nigger", which Calvin thought of, and Amy declared vulgar and that she would never guess that word because she would never use it, which is true. The room just tensed up and was akward for a few seconds.
-Well, we continued anyway...I took videos :D But I got the harder words...like nigger, and nincompoop, and Tom. XD
-Before we left, we played uh, what.. I think they called titdy? tag in the dark yo? I don't know. Chinese tag, or something....which was also, very, very fun.
-Calvin, Tina and I went home with Samantha, and we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show...or some of it, until everyone but Tina fell asleep. Poor Tina! xD She was seated in the middle of the couch and Sam fell asleep on her shoulder, and Calvin fell asleep on her lap...so she couldn't really move and I felt bad for her. x]
-Eventually, Sam slept on the floor though. And eventually, I had to leave.

So like I said, ups and downs and ups and downs.........-_-
And everytime I think about the ups and downs concept, I can't help but think of that freaking F in history, god damn it.

I wanted to practice with the swim team today, but I realized I can't because I have to watch my brother until 3 when my mother gets back from work, and they're going at 1, grrrr.
Why Saturdays?
But I think I'll go to Sam's later tonight and watch movies and possibly have more fun? ;D



On another note, I try very hard to be considerate, and thoughtful. And I wonder sometimes if people realize it. I wonder a lot, really. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, and it's probably because I really want someone to see it. The way I bake and bring so much food to school, and give some to everyone, even people I don't know...and the ones that I do know, sometimes won't even acknowledge me. For example, Francisco, I almost always try to save a piece of whatever I bake for Francisco, but yesterday, we bumped into him at the mall and he didn't even say hi to me when I waved to him, but he said hi to the others. Later, after bumping into him again, he talked to me a bit, though.
Maybe I'm not as thoughtful as I think, but I remember everyone's birthdays, and I remember that on my own birthday, many, many people didn't remember mine. I almost always buy people gifts if they have parties, and especially on christmas.
Honestly; very, very honestly, I really do believe that I go out of my way a lot to help others, but I get nothing in return. My mom always complains that that happens to her. She doesn't know it, but I feel the same way. Maybe it's a trait I get it from her.
I should have so many karma points.
I buy people things when they're broke or need money.
In fact, lend money to people I've never even seen before!
I donate all my old clothes and movies to the homeless or orphanages.
I let people cheat and copy off of me.
I help people if they ask for it; I do favors.
I feel like I'm never going to stop feeling like a pushover.

Calvin and I made this bet, that if I didn't see him scratch his eczema, that I wouldn't play any stripping games on Friday. He didn't want me to. And it was a stupid bet, I know, since it was obvious he'd win, since I'd barely see him until Friday. But that's not what mattered to me. I just, I really care about his health and well-being and stuff, and I just wanted to see the rash go away, and for him not to bleed or be bothered by it. But he didn't listen to me anyway, and scratched it while I wasn't there.
And now it's only so much worse.
I don't understand a lot of my friends, these days, who won't do what they so easily can to help themselves, better themselves. Helping yourself may sound selfish to you, but it's never selfish as long as it does no harm to anyone else.
Not irritating your eczema, Calvin, won't hurt at all. It will only make the process in which it will fade faster.
In fact, it'll probably hurt your friends less, when they don't have to watch you cause yourself more harm.
I care about you, and so I want you to stop it.
But you don't listen to me.

This also goes for Sam, who will wear jeans covered in holes and no jacket on a day when it's thirty-some degrees outside.
Another thing that could so easily be helped, but you guys refuse these solutions.
And only end up causing more and more destruction towards yourselves.

Just stop it, please.


God.
Damnit.





CLT: My favorite part about holidays is telling other people to have a happy, merry, or good one. And receiving these kind words in return, when I do. :) Keep in mind that I'd rather get a card and no present that a present with no card! This is because cards have words, which have meaning. Material objects have no meaning. [I'm mentioning this because I know some people have already bought me gifts and I want them to remember a card over a gift! ldshglasd]

have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Cold November air splashed against the tree's branches. Inside, with the little girl in his arms, the man pulled her blanket tightly around her face.
"Let's see what we can do to get you warmer," he spoke softly. As he pulled the blanket up from underneath her feet, she smiled at him. The fabric was tucked between her small, delicate body and his, so that it would not fall and expose her to the winter-esque breeze.
"Okay, are you ready for the cold?" he asked, staring deeply into her eyes. She gently nodded, and he pushed open the glass door and rushed out. A wave of wind flew inside and brushed my bare face, and I could hear the baby's laughter synchronizing with her father's, and he ran her as fast as he could to their car. It was certain he couldn't bear to keep her out in this weather any longer than he already had.
I pressed my face against the cooling window, staring out at them, wondering whether or not moments like that would make having a child worth it.

That happened.

I enjoy taking inspirational events that occur in my presence, or to me, and putting them into words that could fit in a book, rather than simply explaining them as if I was speaking them to a person.
There is a big difference.
If had I just been telling you straight out what happened instead of trying to make it sound so nice, it would've been more like this:

I saw this guy holding his daughter the other day after swim practice, and he wrapped her in a blanket and was like, "Let's see what we can do to make you warmer," and then he asked "Are you ready for the cold?" And he ran outside and I could hear them laughing even after they were far away. It was really sweet. Made me think about the possibility of having kids, one day.

In fact, I just though of another good example..
You know how about every teenage girl has at one point been all like "OMG MUSIC IS LIFE HEART HEART HEART"
How about...
Where would we be in this world without the music that floods our ears and fill them with splendor nearly every waking second?


So, anyway.
I want to say that lately, I've been feeling good.
But then I also want to say that lately, I've been feeling down.
Everything's kind of up and down, topsy turvy, and everywhere, these days.
Tuesday, I found out I was failing AP World History, but my day was completely turned around during swim, when basically all we did was practice our flips and turns, which was so, so much fun. Best practice so far, in my opinion. Fun enough that the dryland didn't even seem all that bad. We were offered a ride, but Leah and I chose to walk, since there was no room in the car...and the assistant coach said that my flip was so fast that he could feel the impact of it :D
And I thought about history a bit, and I've turned in my last two assignments, and if I ace the next two quizzes and turn in the extra credit for chapter 15, that it's slightly possible that I could get it up to a C by the time grade sheets are due.
Doubt it, though.
That's fine I suppose, I don't mind staying after for history...I guess.
-_-

And then yesterday was good until the end of the day, and I know I sound like I'm bitching about this but I wanted to go out to eat with VSA, but then I thought about it and realized I didn't want to pay any money, because I wasn't that hungry. So they left. Then, I wanted to hang out with Calvin and Sam at Vincent's, but I wouldn't have a ride back for swim practice, so I was trying to figure out what to do...[and this is where I'm going to start complaining] and no one really seemed to care what it was I did, not really trying to help. They said I could ride with Phillip on his moped back, but wtf? I don't talk to Phillip. I'm so sure he hates me, and I'm not extremely fond of him [I have my reasons]. Calvin sort of just laughed and said my life was depressing, and everyone else just ignored me. Aside from Melissa, who offered to walk me to her house and walk me back to school, which was very nice of her; thank you :]
But Leah was in Ms. Johnson's room, and I thought I ought to stay with her until we could walk to swim together, since Melissa was getting a ride from her mother anyway.

Not that big of a deal. Leah and I got chips and guacamole and Sam and Calvin didn't even go anyway, and came over.
But then they left to Reggie's. Or so they said.

After swim practice, I wanted to still hang out, so I was going ot walk over to Sam's, but Leah said no, that she would give me a ride; that she didn't want me to walk alone at this time of night [It was only like 5:30, but really dark anyway], so she gave me a ride. Basically, I feel bad because I didn't want to invite Leah, since A. her mom was already on her way and B. I wasn't sure if Sam was okay with it, and I didn't want to ask Sam. So all in all, I just got a ride from Leah and then left her to go home..D:


CLT: My least favorite part of blogging now is getting to the very end, when I have to think up these Calvin Lin Trend facts. It's one of the reasons I don't blog as much as I want to. Because I know I won't be able to think up one of these.
Gr.
You get a bonus, since it's Thanksgiving.
It's been a long time since I've enjoyed a Thanksgiving. When I'm with my dad, I hate it, because I just hate Texas and I hate his girlfriend and I hate being with him because it's like rotting in loneliness.
When I'm with my mom, her side of the family comes over, and I don't like dealing with my grandmother or uncle because my grandmother always ends up making me cry and my uncle yells and me. Family in general disgusts me, and it's just the worst thing I could say, but I can't deny it. Aside from my mother and brother, whom I do love dearly, I can honestly say that I don't have any trouble believing I'll be better off without them.
Really, I just have the hardest time dealing with ANYONE out of my age group, including younger children, which is the sole reason I don't like school and why I don't want kids.
It's too awkward. I'm too afraid of everything that's going to exist all my life.

this bird has flown.

Ah.
Rene Magritte.
Belgian surrealist.


You know how Google sometimes is dressed up and designed for certain holidays/celebrations and such?
Well, the other day, it showed a skyline of buildings and several men in suits and bowler hats suspended in midair. Along with another hat upon an apple, as one of the "o"s in google. So I hovered over it, to find it saying "Rene Magritte's 110th Birthday."

So why not search up this Rene Magritte person?

If you look him up, you'll find several paintings that consist of odd subject matter. Men with apples or doves over their faces, incorrect reflections in mirrors, the painting that was displayed as the google logo, eyeballs on objects they shouldn't be on, such as a pancake or bibloquet, eggs in cages and giant apples. And my absolute favorite:



If you don't speak French, or can't guess what that means, it means- "This is not a pipe."
You ought to figure out what he meant by that yourself.
He's amazing.

This was during Jagtime, and I started searching the web, finding my way to other surrealists, reading about them, viewing their artwork.
So interesting.

And I can't help but think of my lack of ability to do anything like this.
I can't help but think of my lack of ability whenever I see anything at all, really.

This is stuff I've been contemplating my whole life, and it races back to me everytime I read a real thought-provoking book or see a real thought-provoking piece of art. I always think that, if I could find my creativity somewhere deep, hiding inside me; if I could just grow an imagination, and explore it; if there was some way I had one, and I utilized it to its greatest extent...that maybe, just maybe. I could be a great artist, too.

But I feel like my mind has no room to create and imagine. It can never do these things regardless of how much I want it to; I beg it to; I force it to. Force to a point that the product is so apparently forced.

My mind doesn't have anything worthy to make use of.
Because the thoughts that race through it are never applicable to art.

And so, with a sad and useless talent, I must say that art will never be my future.Because art is not where my head's at.
At least, not yet.
I feel as if I'm just sitting here waiting for inspiration to one day, come along.
But I have been for years.
And it's not coming.


How do I get over this?
Where do I find this inspiration?
And what can I do until then?





--*edit*--
Hey, this is my 50th post!
So uh, happy 50th post. xD

CLT: Calvin is still the only guy who's ever caused me to cry, sadly enough. xD
Which is the reason why I believe that if I even have ever been in love, it was with him.

will i make it back to shore or drift into the unknown?

I'm floating down a river,
Oars freed from their holds long ago.
Lying face up on the floor of my vessel,
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow.



Haha don't worry; I won't quit. I was just saying it came to mind :P
For I feel quite accomplished today, because I did a whole non-stop 200 meter freestyle (8 laps), which means I must be improving because I couldn't do that when I first started swim. In order to make the teams, I had to swim breaststroke. xD
But yeah.
After being worn out from swimming, Peter gave like eight people a ride to school and I experienced my first dryland.
My legs ache more than I've ever experienced. ;_;
We did like two sets of high knees, two butt-kicks xD, two sets of miserable lunges, four sprints, a lap around some of the school, two more sprints, and then like three sets of wall-sits while arms in streamline and thirty push ups and like 5 different ab work-outs and something I think they called "herpes"? O_O then three more wall sits and thirty more push ups and my legs started to cramp up and rahhh.
But I feel good :)

And today was oddly attentive to me? xD
Like when I left the faculty basketball game, Tom and Vincent and a few other people were all "BYE VY-ANH BYE LEAH I LOVE YOU" very loudly, and it was weird...but Leah and I liked it anyway, hahaha
And then when I entered the gym lobby for dryland, Sasmit, Francisco and like two other kids were like "HEY, IT'S VYANH! HI VYANHHH" also loudly.
This makes me happy, you guys. :D


"Don't share water, you'll get AIDs."

"It's not hazing, ...but it's not optional.
...If that makes sense."



CLT: I hate being helped up while I'm sitting down!
So if you offer it, I'll reject.
I don't know if I've ever even accepted a helping hand when it comes to that. xD

could this be out of line?

Oh no,
This couldn't be more unexpected.
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow.
Don't let it throw you off too far,
`Cause I'll be running right behind you.




Boo hoo. I break down too easily -_-
Fucking Tom. xD
Doesn't show up for months and all of a sudden he sneaks up on me >:|

And I feel I might be complaining too much.
Two days in a row I cry? Rahh. I just felt so tired today, it was like two sets of six laps which is more like twelve consecutive laps and I'm just so weak and I don't have the endurance or stamina and I start hypervenilating and sinking and I feel like I'm not good enough for swim and it feels terrible.
I think about just quitting, because I'm probably like the third to worst swimmer xD
And I get so sore...but I need to stop complaininglsdgksadhg
Other people handle it.
Then again, swim is one of the hardest sports...


Anyway!
I was reading up on some of my old diary entries, and the endings I write? Genius.
Yay for arrogance :D
After reading one of my whole speils on a subject, a day, or thoughts...the way I conclude them is beast, in my opinion. It sums the whole thing up so well that it sends chills down my spine. There could be no better last word.
Care to take a listen?
Or a view? Haha.
If you're Sam or Calvin, this might be a bit of a bore. :D

The first entry I ever wrote in one of my diaries ended like this;
-"If I don't remember it, it obviously wasn't worth remembering."
Not a fantastic one or anything, just wanted to note the first one. That was on March 19, 2007. Over a year ago. Remember my diaries continue all the way until this very day.

And now I'll only include my best.
-"If only they knew how much it hurts."
-"And I thought of all the people that have told me they'd die for me, and I broke down weeping."
-"The smell of tears on mahogany."
-"Why did God [if he exists] have to choose this dreadful decade..."
-"My failed attempts to hide my tears from my parents are increasing. I want to be happy. Or at least appear so."
-"How do people stand it?"
-"I think every word I've read Andy [Warhol] say is right on target. He captures life so perfectly, in every aspect possible."
-"Most artists are misunderstood, lonely, and a bit, well, weird. I'm not as much, but I want to be. Odd aspirations, wouldn't you agree? Now, I don't have any idea what to paint."
-"It's funny how easily things change."
-"I just saw a commercial that said, 'Next time someone asks you what's up, tell them.' I think I just might do that."
-"I'm lazy, clumsy, slow, disorganized, forgetful, and all in all, a terrible person, and even more horrible friend."
-"I don't look for anything; I'll let it come straight to me."
-"So many regrets-"
-"And then he said, 'You know, you look really nice tonight.' and for some reason, it scared me."
-"I'm a fucking contradiction to myself."
-"I don't care how mean that is; it's the truth."
-"Oh well, I'm drowning in self-pity."
-"People ask me why I have bangs; do you want to know the truth?" I hate my face."
-"I love the bed [in Texas]. I lay on it & stare at the ceiling fan for minutes, and imagine I'm on an abandoned raft at sea, and I let myself drift away..."
-"Anyway, the days grow longer, and time passes slower than ever, but once it's past, I can't remember a thing [this still happens :O]. At times, I stare out my window at the vast, drowsy, grey skies and I feel as if I'm slowly wasting away..."
-"Dear Lord, what's wrong with me?"
-"All those starving artists; the ones who are looked down upon, the ones who suffer from reality; what possible drive is there for them to cast such a curse upon themselves? Because no matter how much they have to go through, the truth is, making art, doing art; it's what they love."
-"When you're so upset that you feel like you've never been happy; you forget what it's like. And I keep thinking to myself, 'no one knows what this feels like...'"
-"Suicide sound so great sometimes, and I wouldn't even have to watch the ones I love suffer, because I'd be dead.
[Sometimes I think I'd like to see them suffer;
that's how crazy I am.]"
-"I'm just tired of where I'm at and who I am. So sick of all that surrounds me. Like there's something missing. Like myself is missing from me. Hopeless, worthless piece of shit."
-"Maybe I should call Calvin." hahaha, that's just for you, calvin
-"I need to be loud. I need to be brave. And I can't be.
So let me die."
-"Something to feel good about. Take off some of this guilt."
-"I need something to happen soon, before my feelings vanish.
For they're already beginning to fade..."
-"But I don't want to endure this any longer.
I must do something.
So afraid..."
-"I will not lose my best friend with such ease.
I refuse to."
-"Hopefully,
all will be fixed.
Love Always,
VNguyen." [my signature]

and that's the end of journal #1 :D



The last words of my first entry in the newer journal, 6/2/08:
-"I will kill myself if I never feel normal again."

others:
-"I always think everyone hates me. Not because they're hateful or scary people, but because I see so much in myself to hate."
-"Everything is really beginning to scare me."
-"Ah so right now, Calvin's mad at me,
and I miss -insert name here-...
I feel quite lonely."
-"I want someone to be there for me, all the time. I feel like these two songs:
Wouldn't it be Nice - The Beach Boys
Welcome to my Life - Simple Plan.
I feel bipolar. And I feel trapped."
-"I believe I am such a great actress,
because nobody knows what goes on inside my head,
even if they think they do.
They don't."
-"I need confidence. Strength. Courage. Bravery. Esteem. Assurance. Belief.
I need everyone to know who I am.
Because only Calvin does."
-"FACT: Every night, as I lay myself down to sleep,
I pray I won't awaken the next morning."
-"I think regardless of how you display yourself, that everyone is a hopeless romantic deep inside. I don't want any Prince Charming,
but I could use that happy ending."
-"I'm starting to cry a lot lately, like last year.
OH DEAR."
-"How am I so lucky?
Oh, -insert name here-.
Oh my."
-"So, how are you, Vy-Anh?
Never better."
-"'Lucky as fuck,' as Michael put it." hahaha xD
-"I miss Chase inexplicably.
I realized how much I love and want my mother back. I miss everything she does for me.
And I can hardly survive without my friends.
I just want to go home. To be home." [while I was in Texas]
-"For now, I'm pretty much non-existent. For now, I'm going to disappear.
For now, I have no life."
-"When you have a low self-esteem,
the smallest criticism becomes huge."
-"And a major blow to my self-esteem."
-"I don't like him, and if I give him the chance, I know I'll only end up hurting him again.
And I can't bear that."

^That last one is what's going on right now....sigh. What to do, what to do.

Some of the words I've written bring tears to my eyes, though...



CLT: I dream of being British. I try, too. Like I used the term "knickers" once in my diary. That's what the British say rather than "underwear" or "panties," if you weren't aware. Also, I use "bugger" and "arse", in my head. I never say it out loud though. I also prefer writing/typing "grey", "colour" and things like that. I say pants with a British accent, along with saying pe-CON, and EYE-ther, rather than pe-CAN and EEE-ther.
I wish I could describe things as bloody.
But must of all, I wish I could say ", love" at the end of my sentences.
For example...
"Good night, love."
Fortunately, I can use that phrase with Calvin :)

WE SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO CALL ONE ANOTHER LOVEEEEE!

keep losing my beat.

Each morning I get up I die a little;
Can barely stand on my feet.
Take a look in the mirror and cry,
"Lord, what are you doing to me?"
I have spent all my years in believing you,
But I just can't get no relief.





I'm tired as anything!
I made swim. :)
But then again, so did everyone else. xD
So it would've just been sad, had I not.
But I owe a lot to my beloved friends.
Marc, who encouraged and made me feel a lot better and more confident for tryouts :)
He probably helped the most when it came to talking about it.
And all my other friends who asked how tryouts were, if I made it, and the such.
Such as Jonah :D
And Jansen & Samantha, who were late to VSA because they brought me two peanut butter and banana sandwiches and an arizona green tea on a tray that said "Good Luck @ Tryouts!"
It's usually my close friends that are the reason I feel that humans have better hearts and intentions than they are given credit for.
Kindness, to me, seems like the greatest quality you can find in another.
And when it comes down to it, I think I've found the right group of people.
I love you. :D
When all else fails, you give me something to believe in<3


CLT: One of my biggest fears is that my lifespan won't give me time to read all the books that I wish too. I realized this when I read "Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie." It's weird for me to admit, since everyone just considers that nerdy. Whenever I go to bookstores, I see thousands of appetizing books and write their names down, and I have a whole list of the ones that look interesting. Each visit I find more and more, and I always think to myself How will I ever achieve this goal if the authors just keep throwing such beautiful books right back at me?

would you find it in your heart?

Look at me,
My depth perception must be off again-
`Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did.
It has not healed with time.




Sometimes, I feel like I've lost all faith in humanity.

Today, I went to Unique, which is a thrift store in the shopping center with Great Wall and Five Guys and such, next to Luther Jackson?
And I bought a ton of nice clothes! :D
But! The point is, I saw a few nice navy blue and white striped shirts, so I reached my hand out and started to look through them, when this lady turned around and like pulled them away and very sternly and stiffly said, "I'm trying these on."
This freaked me out, but I tried to be courteous and kind of have a laugh about it, I suppose? I said "Oh, I'm sorry!" and smiled, looking up to find her glaring at me with these eyes of steel. She had an ice cold expression and didn't say a word and seemed just pissed off and annoyed with what I'm guessing she just saw as some stupid teenage girl...
We had a few seconds of awkward eye contact, and I don't see why she didn't smile or say something, or at least stop staring, if anything! -_-

I try so hard to convince myself that it's hard to find evil and cruelty in human kind, but they just keep turning back around and proving me wrong. Whether it be something as small and trivial as this incident, or it be something like wasting energy and resources, murdering, stealing (on a high scale, I can't say I haven't stolen, haha), cheating, lying, betraying. These are actions that occur on a daily basis. I want so much to believe that evil doesn't exist; that there are causes for the way people are, and a cure.
Can't you change a person for the better?

Or am I just too hopeful for reality?



CLT: Lately my chest hurts more than ever when I breathe in deeply. Ugh. One of my biggest fears is that I'm developing some sort of cancer or deadly disease that I don't know about yet, because I rarely go to the doctors and get check ups or whatever. At least, I don't remember having done so for a few years xD Then again, it's not really a fear...more of something that I suspect sometimes. This hurts so much, you don't even know.
I also haven't gotten my period for months.
-_____-

la la la. :)

Spur of the moment poetry!
I need to write.
I haven't in months.
It's like a hunger.
and I've just satisfied it.

I've told you all about my weird space out phases where I don't remember anything?
Well Earvin called it once, "a technicolor phase", and a few weeks later I found out there's this song by Owl City called "The Technicolor Phase"!
How coincidental is that?! So now I listen to it all the time, haha.
And I decided to compose a short poem on this technicolor phase.



Lost at Sea.
Objects transform and edges merge.
Definite hues are now vague blurs.
Bright, distant, blinding.
Volumes lower to a silence.
Voices stop, noises cease.
Senses fail; lost in the moment.
Movement occurs at the slowest pace.
Touch is so far away that levitation is made possible.
All that was meant to be marked
Is now of no use
And forever banished into oblivion.
For, when I awaken
From this period of indifference-
There are no thoughts to be thought
Nor words, nor sounds, nor memories.
For as the world returns to a state of normality,
What once resided on the shores of my mind
Has drifted off;
Washed out to the depths of the ocean blue.
So where's my message in a bottle?
Won't you come and save me from this technicolor phase?

smiles returning to the faces.

I feel that ice is slowly melting.
Little darling,
It feels like years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun,
and I say it's alright.




So Calvin and I are in this stupid argument
over like, nothing, pretty much.
Because a lot of people, apparently have been saying that Calvin's too clingy and obnoxious in the way he acts towards me; holding my hand and hugging me and putting his arms around me, going on "dates", or saying "I love you" or "I miss you" and I know I listened to them because I'm just so damn fickle and everyone can so easily sway me to believe what they want me to believe because I am so weak and sometimes I feel like I don't even lead my own life.
Calvin, I'd be lost without you.
So I told him he ought to be less clingy, because honestly, I don't want people to get the wrong idea. And also, I know it annoys a few people.
And he said, "But bffs?!"
And I was like, "Yeah, best FRIENDS forever, and friends don't do that kind of stuff."
Because people always accuse us of secretly going out, or at least liking each other and not admitting it. Earvin says he knows Calvin likes me. Tom yesterday said, "Hey Vy-Anh, Calvin likes you, and you like Calvin. So why don't you two go out?" Jonah asked Calvin if we were going out once.
We don't like each other.
& 8th grade has long since passed.
And so he's like, "You're taking it too seriously."
And then I was like "No, I'm not," and raised up all these fine points that ____ made.
So he goes, "Fine, then we'll just be Fs" [friends, if you couldn't figure it out..]
And then the next day, I ask if he's still coming over, because he planned to before we started arguing. Eventually he does, and I said sorry and I genuinely meant it, even if it didn't seem like so.
But later, at Outback Steakhouse [where we went out for dinner], we were waiting outside and playing with glowsticks and he connected his to mine and said "Yay, Fs!" and I said, "No, BFFs?" and he said "No," so I was like, "Fine."
And later when he asked me to sit next to him during the play I was like "No, I'm frustrated with you."
We didn't say bye, I didn't even see him at all after the play was over.
And to tell you the truth, I'm being really lazy. At certain points I get so fed up that I don't even bother trying to fix it. It's sort of like, whatever. It's bad, but true. I always do this, when my friends and I are having problems I just ignore it until things work out, fix themselves. I leave my problems alone because I can't bear dealing with them. It's heart wrenching, and like I said, I'm too weak.
I kept saying to myself, I'm not even going to try.
Though it IS a stupid argument. Because he's right, I am taking the clingyness too seriously. But he's taking what I said too seriously too, because I was only being biased and my mind was out of control at the moment I said that, because I can say things that I don't mean. And by being less clingy, it doesn't mean I don't want to be bffs. How could we be anything but bffs?
Calvin, I'd be lost without you.
And then there was no need for him to say we weren't bffs, and no reason for me to reject sitting next to him.
I'm so stupid.
This is so stupid!
CALVIN I LOVE YOU.
as a friend.
And I need you, and you should know that >:|

Look, it's a whole post just about you.
I'm so sorry.



CLT: I'd like to name my bakery "Orgasmic", but I think that's a bit too controversial. ^^

taken heed from everyone.

Take me above your light;
Carry me through the night.
Hold me secure in flight;
Sing me to sleep tonight.





Calvin said since it's the start of a new month, I ought to post a blog.
And last night, I would've, but I was too lazy and tired and my stomach hurt.
Though I knew that if I waited until morning, all the words and emotions I was feeling at the time would be gone by then. And I was right. I don't feel like stating all that anymore.
But I wrote notes down on a piece of paper just in case, so I wouldn't forget.
The paper says (I wrote it in the dark so there's a mistake):

blog tomorrow
getting to angry
close -> vent
irritable
little -> dreams (death)
-> cry
pet peeve:
"chill out"
control
calming drugs
i'm sorry

hahaha, can you figure out what that means? xD
An explanation. Calvin told me that lately, I've been getting too angry, and I don't know, maybe I am. Have you noticed that as well?
So maybe I just need to chill out and relax a bit more. I just worry so much and I freak and then sometimes I worry I don't worry enough. I'm just stressed out and nervous constantly, and I don't even realize it. Because as you probably know, my hands are always cold? Sam looked it up and said it could be related to stress, and my mom said the same, plus that I was too nervous. But I don't feel stressed or nervous, so somehow, I think I am sub-consciously. My mind doesn't know it but my body does.
And maybe I'm just making up excuses but what I think is that well, the truth is that I've always been irritable. That I'm always getting angry inside my own mind. You might not believe it, but I can get so mad, but I can hide it. I used to not let anyone know when I was in a bad mood, nonetheless when I was angry. And I think it could be that being close [one of the words i wrote down] to Calvin lets me vent more to him, so he sees that angry side of me now, which is why he thinks I'm getting angry a lot more lately, when it's really not lately at all. It's always been.
Oh, and ever since 6th grade I've hated it when people tell me to chill out. I know it's true, I know I need to just control myself, but I think I might have some minor self-control issues.
Which is why I wrote down the drugs thing; I'd love to try some medicine or something that would just like knock me out.
Because sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Because sometimes I just want to melt into the walls and the floor and all my surroundings.
To evaporate.
So I won't have to deal with life anymore.
Drugs made me think about the psychiatrist, and I've always dreamed of having a psychiatrist, being tested for disorders and syndromes, possibly have my dreams screened, so I could have a clue what they mean.
Speaking of dreams, lately I've been having this one where I'm stuck with a ton of my friends inside this abandoned school, and there's no doors out, and the only way to escape is to go through this crazy maze. It starts in the cafeteria kitchen, and there are no lights on in the school whatsoever, so it's almost pitch dark and there are these two secret passageway doors that lead to this frenzy of fiery paths crossing each other every which way and there are trains speeding by down some of them, and we must make our way through the whole thing. It's sort of like a video game, and we keep getting hit by trains, but we have infinite lives. Some of us are splitting up to find different ways out, but I remain here, dying again and again, and I can't even pass this first stage, and it's scary.
It's one of my more normal ones, more easy to analyze. At least, I think I know what it means.
Also, Tom said I've been acting just like Samantha.
And this isn't what I want, I want to go back to normal. Back to being me.
I've been cursing too much, I've been too happy, but yet too angry?
Damnit, there's another thing. I realize that I seem to be so multi-faceted. I can have a terrible memory, but the best memory when it comes to birthdays. People know me as quiet, yet they're always telling me to shut up. I'm known for never being mad, yet I think I'm much more irritable than irritating. I bottle up my emotions, but I love blogging and writing poetry. I'm not musically inclined as in I don't play instruments, but I try to play the guitar and I can sing alright. I hate it when people will aim a camera at me but I camera whore all the time [but you didn't know that, unless you're Sam or Erin or Kes or Calvin..]. I'm always feeling so contradictory, because if I say one thing about myself, it's always a case where I've said the exact opposite at another point in time. Like I'm always giving and giving, but then again I constantly take.

Calvin said I just need a day off.

But I don't know.
I'm sort of tired of everyone around me at the moment. <- I always have phases where I feel this way. Fuck all of you. :D Don't take it seriously, haha...though I do need to stop cursing, because I remember myself never ever cursing whatsoever, and suddenly it seems to just spill out.
What happened to you, Vy-Anh?

If all this is true, if you think I'm getting angry too, I'm so sorry. If you see me and feel about me the same way I see myself and feel about myself, I'm so sorry. I'm such a burden.




Relax.

Calvin Lin Trend: This is where the fifth and sixth lines I wrote down come in.
Around the ages of 5-7, I constantly thought about and over-analyzed death at night, while I layed in bed. I worried about what would happen to me and how terrible it'd be never to feel again, never to experience any of the wonders of life again; how everything I knew and loved could just vanish. My time felt so limited; that once I died, the rest of eternity would be spent asleep, and in no dream. Gone.
Then, I'd worry that my death was coming at any moment. In just a few minutes, a murderer would walk through my door, or the next day I'd cross the street and car would hit me. I was so convinced I was about to die. I'd freak out and cry and weep until I ran to my mother and told her of my thoughts and she'd order me never to think about death.
But I didn't listen.