tumblr? :D

Like Patricia's!
http://sadxaffairs.tumblr.com/
Yay! Keep or delete? :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C__r7Rm5Tmg&feature=channel_page
^MY THIRD VIDEO CULMINATION YAY! :D

-EDIT-
Oi. Yesterday was not a good day.
I don't know why I'm feeling so down lately. When no ones around I always end up crying. When people are around I end up trying to hold something in, but what is there to hold in? What reason do I have to feel this way?
I was supposed to stay after for the play read-through, but my mom said I had to take the late bus and be home by five or I wouldn't be able to go out again. Hopefully I can stay again today, but I'll need a ride.
So I had to leave the read-through early, which made me feel bad...and then the bus ride was dreadful because my head was throbbing and my neck ached [and still aches] terribly for reasons I'm unsure of. My late bus bus stop is rather far from my house and it was just so cold yesterday...and I had to walk home alone, too.
I got home and my brother needed help with his homework, and he couldn't even figure out a truly simple problem. I asked him for two numbers that add up to 8, and he said 6 and 3 and it took him over a minute or two to figure out he was wrong. This made me so sad. My mom started yelling at me for not helping him properly, or something...and I went upstairs and just teared up inexplicably.
Later, I was really hungry/thirsty but I have nothing to eat/drink in my house, because it's all in the new house. But I didn't want to go to the new house because it was so cold.
After a few hunger pangs [I didn't have breakfast or a lunch either, besides half of Reggie's bread and two crackers] I decided I'd quickly run over just to make dry noodles and come back. So I did, but the oils were frozen, and the stove of the other house smelled miserably when I turned it on. The water never came to a boil, so it took a longgg time for the noodles to soften, and there were no scissors or knives so I had to open the oils with my hands and it got all over me and it took such a long time to get them open that they froze back up and I couldn't even get them into the bowl. And there was no drainer or anything...but I could live with that. I was sniffling from the cold, and my mom accused me of crying and tried to ask what was wrong, tried to talk about it. I told her nothing and she got angry again. She yelled each time I asked her where something was in the house. I asked then if I could go back to the other house, but then corrected myself, asking to go home. Then I grabbed a chocolate milk and ran back home. The back door to my house is not operable at the moment, the lock doesn't work, but it's impossible to open from the outside sometimes. I stood in the freezing cold for what felt like the longest time putting all my strength into trying to open that damned door, and I just ended up crying against the windowpane calling out loud to God, if he exists, to "Please stop this pain. Why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? What it was, I'm sorry for. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Please stop it. Just help me. Let me not feel this way. Open the door. Let me in. Just let me in." But the door didn't dare budge, and I had to run out to the front of the house hoping the front door wasn't locked. Fortunately it wasn't. I walked to the back and opened the back door to retrieve my noodles, which were now also, close to frozen.

So I've been packing almost all day...and my favorite part about moving has always been finding lost items and papers I'd forgot about/been looking for!
I thought I'd go through these lost and found things with you :)
Well so far it hasn't been much besides some poems.

From 8th grade:
What could you possibly expect
Of someone you don't even know?
Since you are obviously unaware
That I have always been the one
To sit and wonder,
To sit and wait,
To sit alone.

Short and not written very well, but I feel it's something I could expand on?


Fear, is killing me inside.
Fear of the dark
Fear of bathtubs
Fear of the rice cooker lid falling upon my hand
Fear of bees
Fear of dead animals
Fear of holes and bumps
Fear of letting me be me
Fear of answering and guessing things incorrectly
Fear of being yelled at
Fear of what others think
Fear of being touched
Fear of treating others badly
Fear of the would being out to get me
Fear of no one understanding
Fear of giving bad impressions
Fear of letting people hear my voice
Fear of opening up
Fear of expressing my feelings aloud
Fear of criticism
Fear of what hides from me
Fear of letting my guard down
Fear of losing anything and anyone
PARANOIA.
of the world that lies outside of
my own head.
Of being myself.


I need to write poetry.
It's been so long.
And I am at complete disbelief.
You.
You are all that resides in my mind.
My brain has been driven away.
Only you.
No rhymes to share.
No emotions which I am able to express.
No thoughts I can put
Into something beautiful.
I try.
And fail.
For you have prevailed.
I want.
And need.
But cannot succeed.



Yep. :D

i don't want to beat around the bush.

So, uh...
Just Dance - Lady Gaga
I LOVE THIS SONG :D
It took me a long time to realize this; I didn't like it much at all the first time I'd heard it on Miss Universe or Miss America or whatever...xD

Sorry I don't blog enough. I get lazy, or I'm afraid whatever I have to say isn't interesting enough that you'd want to hear!
I'm supposed to be packing right now. Got home about half an hour ago? I had quite a fun day (:
I'm getting more content with my life, just as I'm about to move? How inconvenient. NOT UNCONVENIENT, JANSEN. Haha.
Heritage night was on Friday! It went pretty well, aside from us not being able to find a green ribbon and an Asian hat for two of the acts. Of course though, we found them after the performances were over...-_-
Oh and I made callbacks for the "Wizard of Oz"! So, thank you Jansen, for helping me with my lines and convincing me to try out :P
I tried out for a character called Gloria, but I'm probably not going to be her...we'll see what happens :]
It'll be a nice last thing to do at Falls Church though.
Mr. Reed said,
"We've got to get you up on stage more! Whether it's in the plays, or in the chorus, but you've been with the Haunted House for two years now and you keep just, edging or working your way towards this department. You've got a too much of a good personality and beautiful voice and a pretty face, and I'm glad you've finally auditioned. You'll definitely be up on the stage somewhere in this play."
This was a boost to self-esteem? :D

Heritage Night was honestly a lot of fun. I don't know why. It just felt really good to get everything right and finally be up in front of everyone and have congratulations from friends and parents and teachers who watched and to finally make up for all the work we've gone through for weeks, to finally do it and have this relief and joy :D

Today was Tina's birthday! :]
Robert picked me up to go to Fuddrucker's at like 5ish, and they made a strawberry cake with cheerios and food coloring as icing xD...and a penis.
And then we went to Party City and something of an "adventure" until David's parents left his house and we went over there to raaaave! It was a lot of fun as well. I learned how to do the "butterfly" rave technique and then sort of learned "tracing." From the good music to just being with my lovely friends, it was all pretty cool (:
...I could've done without Tom's mindraping butt dance thing though....O_O

I wish I could've stayed the night though D:


Hm. I'm not positive I have a particular subject for this post. How about we look through my diary and see what I can come up with?
So you know how Calvin moved, yes? I miss him a lot. :\ For like the first week, I'd sit in class and think to myself, I wonder where Calvin is, or Why is he late? And then I'd remember, Oh yeah, he's gone... And I have no lunches and no one to walk me to 6th and 7th period anymore...well Jansen usually walks with me now, I suppose. I wear Calvin's aviators and jacket and flannel shirt to feel like he's still there. It's not much, but it's something, you know? I feel lost and lonely a lot of the time he's not there...hm. It's not something I'm used to, I guess.
Two more years without him...D:

I'm trying to upload a new little video culminations on Youtube but it won't let me because supposedly I'm using "copyrighted content," being the song Marching Bands of Manhattan by Death Cab For Cutie, and I'm not "liscensed to," and I don't know what to do. I can't upload it. It won't work. It like analyzes the music in the video and matches it to the real song and tells me I can't use it unless I prove it in print, or some shit. Gah. Maybe I'll upload it on facebook?
...But that's no fun.
All my other culminations are on Youtube :\

the impact of literature.

First time with topic to blog about for a while.
Reason to blog: Calvin says he checks my blog more than i update.

If noticing words are not complete sentences and very fragmented,
Reason is this:
When I read books, I become like the characters of them,
Despite what I do.
Most likely because my lack of personality
Makes me follow my surroundings -
Surroundings including books I read.
This is just way I am.
Shows influence of literature on one who has no life or characteristics.
And resorts to stealing traits of other characters.

Examples:
Catcher in the Rye: "Holden Caufield" = very pessimistic and cynical
Me = became pessimistic and cynical [criticized humans and had a miserable view on the world] after reading this
The Bell Jar: "Esther Greenwood" = clinically depressed for not much of an apparent reason; tries to commit suicide several times
Me = started to think that I could be depressed for no reason, began to look for possible disorders I could have, methods of suicide
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time: "Christopher Boone" = believes that if he saw three yellow cars in a row while riding the bus in the morning, he would have a good day, and that if he saw three red cars in a row, he'd have a bad day
Me = believes that when the lights are off in jagtime,I will have a good day, and when they are on I don't have as good of a day
I Can't Tell You: "Jake" = writes on sticky notes and pads and napkins and other forms of non-traditional stationary little private excerpts and other cute confessions
Me = began to do this more, thinking writing and notes were the best way of communication, or at least the sweetest
Diary: "Misty Marie Wilmot" = artist, causes herself pain as inspiration to create beautiful art
Me = took freezing cold showers and got no sleep in order to draw and paint better

And if you know me well enough,
What's the latest "book" i've read?
Watchmen.
Rorshach, a character you may know if you're Calvin or Jonah or Reggie (but Calvin will probably be the only one of them who reads this), talks in fragments.
As if he's taking notes. Bullet points. Cuts out all the filler words and grammatically correct structres.
Speaks like this.
Without worry or care.
Just to get out most vital information in least time.
Much more efficient.
I love it.
You've probably noticed, Calvin.
Just a few moments ago!
Told you:
"Don't want to go to algebra. Boring. No homework. Probably fall asleep."


So if you hear me in near future,
With my broken speech-
Reason is this.

artificial intelligence and the iron giant.

I just kind of want to cover something before I forget it.
I'll try, but I don't know if I can explain it to it's fullest extent, when it's something I feel so strongly.
Death.
Honestly one of my biggest fears.
When I was little, I watched this movie...what's it called. Wait.
...
A.I. (Artificial Intelligence), directed, produced & co-written by Steven Spielberg.
Have you ever seen it? I don't remember it exactly, but I remember there is a boy, who is a robot/android type thing built with the ability to love, and he spends the whole time searching for a blue fairy, which will help him find his adoptive mother? I don't know. And eventually he is frozen in the ocean for years and years, and by the time he is found and removed, it is by aliens, and humans are completely extinct, and thus his mother doesn't any longer exist. But the aliens tell him they can clone his mother from a hair of her's, which sits on the boy's teddy bear, but the clone won't last permanently. And so a clone is made, and he spends a wonderful day with his "mother", but at the end of the day, they fall asleep, but she never wakes up.
This movie scared me out of my mind.
I started thinking about my mom never waking up, and then myself never waking up. I worried what the boy would do for the rest of eternity, since he would never grow older or die (since he's an android)...and I got so sad and frightened.
I began a routine where I cried every night, worrying that a murderer would break in and kill me. That I would have a heart attack or pulmonary embolism while sleeping...that somehow my death was just around the corner, and everything would be gone.
All my surroundings, my house, my family, my friends.
Emotions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, future, love, everything I knew and cherished and lived for every day...non-existent.
You know how you feel and you can think and be. But do you ever imagine not being? Can you even begin to comprehend the concept of nothing?
Because I've never believed in a heaven or hell or afterlife or reincarnation or things like that. I imagined that once your life is over, it's over. Nothing left. This darkness that immediately takes over. An abyss. The same abyss which consumes your whole when you're sleeping but not dreaming. You know how it is when you're sleeping and not dreaming. Can you imagine that, but lasting forever?
Can you feel what I feel?

*EDIT*

No!
You guys read it before I got to finish it!
I wrote it in Jagtime but then the bell rung....you guys didn't get the full story D:
I hope you come back and reread this!
Anyway!
So yeah Patu, the movie made me cry too D:
I just had a few more things to include.
I think about dying constantly. I worry about dying and it makes me so sad to think that one day I won't have the ability to live anymore. To do and be. And I lay there in bed every night and my heart aches and aches and I roll around trying to get it off my mind, but it's so hard. And lately it's been more frequent and prominent than it has been since I was a little kid. And thus, lately I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I can't imagine that all this. All that I am and have been and will be. All that I've experienced and every day that goes by that I can have the joy of life within me, that one day I won't have that anymore. I won't have anything, even myself. There will be no "I."
From the point I watched A.I. on I complained to my mother constantly that I thought I'd die and what would happen when I did and what if someone else died, then what would I do?
She told me I'd meet them in heaven.
And at some point in the future, I watched "Iron Giant," which you've probably seen? And when the giant dies, the boy's mother (I think) says that death is a part of life. And my mom kept telling me, "See honey, you just have to accept that one day, everyone and every living thing dies."
But I find it very hard to accept.
Or get off my mind.
I'm such a frightened child. ;_;

This really hurts to think of.


But then again.
All this is really selfish. I shouldn't be worried about my own death and wants; but instead of the sake of humanity, the future of the earth and what the ones who will live after me have in store. It is my dream that I can do something for them...so that my life that I lived only to have it taken from me at one point won't have been in vain. So that I could be worth something.
For, as I believe I've stated before, I want to be famous. I think it's useless to have lived if in years after your death, when your children and their children are deceased and there's no one left that knew you while you lived, that at some point in the future, no one will know of you. It will be as if you had never existed. And then what's the point of any of this? If someday, it's all basically worthless.
I need to find a way I can change things, and influence people, and be someone that could be mentioned centuries after my death.
Like George Washington. Or Shakespeare. Alexander the Great. Napolean. These people. Their lives weren't in vain. And neither shall mine be. If I must die at one point, I'm not going through the trouble for nothing.



"To be forgotten is worse than death."