eyes are as red as the sun.

Oh it's been getting so hard,
Living with the things you do to me.
My dreams are getting so strange;
I'd like to tell you everything I see.






There's not anything particular which I want to center this post around; I'm just rather bored and figured I should start blogging a bit more, lest I forget any feelings, thoughts or events which I might want to remember in the future.
So, greetings (:

Hm, yesterday was our last meet, against Stuart, and it was home. Thus, a few of my friends decided to come :D Calvin, Tiff, Jansen, Reggie, Samantha, and Tom I think it was? Erin was there too, but I wasn't aware of her coming~
Anyway! Sorry you guys had to sit through that in stuffy, crowded settings. I think I should've told you that Leah & I's events were within the last portion of the whole meet xD
And I don't want to hear this "you did great" stuff anymore, because I know I didn't because by the time I got out the other lanes were much ahead of us and at the end when Haley had to do a 50 all alone...she was saying "I feel so embarassed, seriously." And seemed so pissed off and I couldn't even bring myself to look at her for I was feeling so bad..and frightened.
Nonetheless, [and thank god that] my contribution to the team was small enough to be insignificant, and the girls won anyway (:
Unfortunately, the boys lost...and the total points from both sides added together contributed to a total loss to Stuart ><

You know in all honesty, though, I don't get extremely tired or worn out quickly...and the only thing that slows me down is my damn breathing. I don't know if it's because I might have inherited a small case of ashtma from my mom (doubtful, but she seems to think it possible), or that I just have small lungs with small capacity or...I don't know. But I lost the ability to breathe so quickly, even after a short 25 sprint my lungs want to explode.
Same reason I can't hold a note in a song...hm. Sounds like excuses, excuses.
..."Excuses are like buttholes; everyone has one." -Mr. Faust :D

When I stay home all day on weekends like I did today...I mean, it's a freaking Saturday, for Christ's sake...I never say "Christ's sake" O_O
Like I was saying, when this happens, I often wonder if my friends are out doing anything. They usually are...I wonder what they're up to right now...and if they are, though I'm not accusing them...I wonder if they thought to invite me? Or maybe it's for the best. And I can say to myself, "Who said they wanted you there in the first place, Vy-Anh? Ever wonder WHY they don't invite you? Don't be so arrogant and filled with your foolishly high expectations."
Sometimes when they do invite me, I can't go or don't want to, and when it's that situation, I feel okay. Pathetically enough, it's a way I can console myself. But when it's like this and I don't know anything happened until later when someone says "Oh the other day was so much fun when we did blah blah blah...! Wasn't it fun Vy-Anh? ...Oh yeah, you weren't there...I thought you were!", I feel...um...not as great.
Haha, sorry for complaining. I always think that someone shouldn't complain if they're not going to do something about it.
But don't think I'm being hypocritical. I don't usually call myself a hypocrite because often, when I say these negative things about others that in truth apply to myself, I am acknowledging the fact that they DO apply to me.

I mean, I complain but don't do anything about it all the time.
I complain that my heart beats twice as fast and my thoughts run away and my throat closes up when it comes to public speaking or answering questions or guessing, but I don't even try to improve myself in that area I'm so freaked.
I complain about the future and occupations and school and such when I'm lazy and put no effort into working or preparing for those types of things...and I procrastinate.
I complain about my lungs when I don't even do those breathing exercises people always reccomend.
And I complain when I don't get invited places when I never plan anything out and invite people myself...when I sometimes refuse invitations anyway and don't want to bother asking if they're doing anything because I have a fear of inviting myself.

That's okay.

I think about humans...and how the average human won't admit to themself their most obvious flaws. It is very common...almost inevitable to find selfishness in a human. And I admit this fully- I am selfish. Too selfish, most times. I think that people need to better clarify their actions and see the bad things they sometimes blindly do. I know it's unintentional; I'm not speaking to anyone particularly, and I don't blame anyone. It's human. So I think more people should accept their humanity :D
Because I see the things you guys do when you don't. I see what I do when I don't realize it until it's done.
Again with this subject of humans...what silly creatures.

I think I'm off to watch a movie with the family...perhaps I'll continue this post later? Perhaps not.
I'm reading Watchmen right now...and I love how it's hard to stop reading and goes by quickly enough that I feel like I'm making progress...if you guys haven't read a comic book, I highly recommend doing so...it's like watching a movie, but I can assure you- much better.

no day but today.

There's only now,
There's only here,
Give into love,
Or live in fear.





I should work on my homework!
Because I have swim practice at 3:45-5:15...and I figured I'd go straight to Samantha's house from there, because I might sleepover @ Tina's? And then I also figured I'd go straight to swim practice again the next day...because idk, no point in going home for probably only three hours xD
And then I have dryland so I won't be home until Tuesday night @ 7 PM? And I won't have any time left to do my homework D:
I'll start my homeowrk after I write this blog!
But I need to go to the bathroom first, brb :D

Alright.
So, lately I've been a bit of bitch, and I apologize.
Idk if you've seen it, but I think so?
I never want to do anything anymore, or talk to anyone or go anywhere. I won't pick up the phone no matter who it is, or call them back if I see a missed call, and like I said, I'm sorry for that...I'd feel content just staying at home for days reading. That's what I've been doing. I've been rejecting invitations simply because I just don't feel like dealing with people anymore. Even if you guys are my friends. I think you're my friends.
I don't know.
It's very weird; I just can't see myself having fun if I go out, so I see no point? Maybe it has something to do with the whole "we never do anything fun anymore it's so routine and boring" thing that makes me not want to bother?
Two four day weekends in a row and I barely go out during them. That's so unlike me. I barely have any pictures or videos for the month of January because I've just wanted to stay home. You'd think all this freetime would lead to good grades. But my grades are just worse this quarter. I'm afraid of getting my report card. I probably failed my history midterm, but I was too afraid to ask...so I don't even know how I did xD
Well, yesterday I went out to Sam's for a musical night...and it was...uh, alright? For the first time, I'm worried this human hating thing isn't just a phase this time...or if it is, it's lasting too long. Humans are still pissing me off constantly, and I don't know what to do about it. I enjoyed having tea...and singing :]
Otherwise, it was alright, like I said.
But even though I never want to hang out anymore, I still do worry that by staying home, I'm not "living my life to the fullest," or whatever. So I decided I should start going out again, maybe I can make it fun? They said something about a rave...but I don't think it's a real rave, and I don't think I'm really into watching my friends spin a ton of lights around in an amateur matter, no offense. Just not really entertaining, especially after I've seen so much of it :P
Like I said, I feel like I'm being a bitch lately xD

To be honest, I can't wait to move.
Naive and hopelessly wishful as it is, I feel as if by moving, everything will turn around and be better again. It's stupid, but it seems like such a plausible solution.
Well, I just wanted to let that out.
To explain my actions, sort of....I'll try to go out more though :]




CLT: I feel like I've forgotten how to blog.

mon dieu. D:

N'essayez pas de traduire!

Je ne peux pas ecrivez en mon ordinateur, parce que il est casse. J'ai avoir mon class Francais et je suis dans une humeur Francais. Alors, tu as l'amusement. xD
Je dormirais, mais je ne sais pas si je peux, haha.
Je me sens tres doux...je ne parle pas a n'importe qui, ou pensez a n'importe quoi, malheureusement. Je marche et parle et mange et dors et lis et nage, mais il est tout automatique. Je veux ecrire la poesie, mais je n'ai rien.
J'ecris en Francais lentement. xD
Alors, je n'ecrirai pas beaucoup. Tout mon debut de phrases avec "je." Il est triste. ):
Tu penseriez que je serais meilleur au Francais, mais non.
Oh! J'ai eu des reves etranges!
Premiere, j'ai eu une classe d'ordinateur obligatoire, et j'ai du conceivoir une video de rap. O_O Quelque chose au sujet de la coordination de couleur...?
J'elaborerai dans Anglais, plus tard.
Deuxieme, j'ai essaye de capturer une mite pour Kesiree, mais elle a sur un certain rongeur, et quand je les ai capturés, j'ai decide que ce serait une bonne idee de les placer dans le refrigerateur. Et ils sont morts.
Tres etrange, non?
D'accord, je m'arreterai maintenent.

Hey!
Okay you guys, so I've heard you complain about why I haven't posted a blog for quite a while now, so here I am :D
I'm in jagtime currently, and grateful that I have access to a computer everyday- I can print things, write blogs, research, check on things, study...and then of course, sleep since my teacher's so nice :D
If you can't tell, the reason I feel grateful and am using smiley faces is because I'm in a pretty good mood after history class. We watched the Pachabel Rant, which is hilarious...and also watched this, since Mr. Crochet was supposedly explaining to us the influence of classical music on the modern world. xD I liked it :)
I also have a meet today which I don't have to swim, because no one in my two lanes are swimming, basically, unless they're possible replacements. And I don't feel hungry and we're having sushi today and it's Friday and I had a bagel and some good juice and white fudge pretzels thanks to Samantha & Calvin :D
One of my new favorite quotes is [we read it in history class]:
"All murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."
We got to read a lot of quotes from this Voltaire guy...with no first name? Idk, Voltaire is apparently a pseudonym, but I see a lot of insight in him.
As you can see in that quote, it's got that sarcastic wit.
"Though I disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death your right to say it."
"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."
"The secret of being boring is to say everything."
I believe in all those things :)
And that last quote reminds me of the book The Catcher in the Rye, which states at the very end...um, I don't remember exactly but something along the lines of "Don't ever tell anybody anything because if you do, then you'll start missing everybody." They don't relate, but idk, it just reminded me of it. Sounds the same? Idk.
It's a good way for him to have ended that book. I should probably reread it.
I also have to read Inkheart, because the movie comes out next week -_-
And I'm in the process of reading About a Boy - Nick Hornby [there's already a movie based on that with Hugh Grant, and I love Hugh Grant...and Nick Hornby's writing]
and Watchmen - Alan Moore [So I can watch the movie in March, and then I have to also read V For Vendetta so I can watch that too]
Other books to read [because they are movies] include:
The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Journey to the Center of the Earth - Jules Verne
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
It really surprises [and possibly scares?] me that I knew all those book titles and their authors by heart without having to look them up O_O
There's not really anything at all to say, which is why I haven't been blogging, just so you know. I feel content with life, I suppose. Kind of miss hanging out with my friends. It'd be nice to live around here, so I could do so more often...since I think they do about everyday.
Lately I've been feeling more nostalgic than ever- I really miss the summer. The whole aura and vibe of it still lives in my heart and it aches to think that my life feels so diminished and pathetic since those times which were just so amazingly fun...when I was so happy.
Makes me question why I'm still here.
Because back then I felt like there was just so much reason to live. So much confusion over why death seemed like a liable, possible solution at all. But now, idk.
Everything's just become a bit too routine, dull and boring for me to handle. I've been having constant headaches this past week, and felt like throwing up a few times. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Maybe it has something to do with being sick...
If I haven't told you, I might be moving soon? Or so my mother says.
And honestly, I do want to. I want a way to start over, maybe be someone who is more outgoing or more fun or interesting or something...because for some reason, I feel like I can't be that here. I want something new, not the same old people doing the same old things ALL THE TIME. Come on, surprise me!
How can one live without change?
Most of my friends have lived in the same house/apartment or whatever for years and years, if not their whole life. I don't have the stength or tolerence for that stability. I need something to look forward to, or dread, or simply to think about. Calvin, the reason I never have anything on my mind is simply because there is nothing to BE on my mind. No one and nothing interests me any more [no offense]! I'm just so easily bored.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm used to moving, and the house I'm currently living in is the longest I've stayed in one place [4 years].
Uh...the bell rung. I'll finish this later!

Back! Um. I don't really know what to say but I want to show you some pictures I drew on my tablet :D
They're my illustrated dreams.
The first is from a dream I had a while ago, in what is supposedly Samantha's house, or it's the house she owns in my dreams...and I'm sitting on the couch when all of a sudden Kevin and Sam come in from the sides of the room singing Sing Out - Cat Stevens to me. xD

And then this one's from a more recent dream, which I'll elaborate on in the future...where I'm in this huge, gigantic- possibly larger than a gymnasium- room which is made of all moonbounce material. It's a huge moonbounce, but it's filled with water, and thus Jonah called it a "Poolbounce." xD This picture is a scene I remember specifically, while I'm swimming, I see Anna standing in the shallow water and I stop to say hi, and she tells me "Shh." There are a few little children swimming in circles around her, and I'm confused and ask "What?" But once again, she just answers "Shhhh." And I woke up.

I'm working on more. I'm bored at home all day. xD
Kay, bye guys :)